Porn stars get more attention than me...

**SunnyDlite** · 08-15-2011 12:56 AM

Every relationship is different and for those who are okay with their boyfriend, fiance, or hubby watching porn, more power to ya.
For me, it hurts, it's disrespectful, and yes, I will admit to low self esteem.
My boyfriend has been looking at porn, (behind my back), every since we got together 11 years ago. He claims he loves me and he just wants to make me happy, yet with the same lies and broken promises, it has caused many bad arguments, lots of tears on my part, and even splitting up once. He will stop for awhile, but before I know it, with some searching and spying, I'm finding him right back at it.
The so called "experts" say that men sometimes do it because of the fantasy aspects and that many women aren't into wild sex. I used to be a VERY sexual woman, willing to try new things, different positions, etc. Every since we've been together though, he has had "performance issues" in the bedroom. He is a Type 2 Diabetic and claims that causes him to not be able to "get it up" at times. In the last few years it has gotten to the point where we don't have sex. I have tried lots of different things to get him "in the mood", yet he shows no interest because of his medical issues, (so he says)...? I went all out one night, with the sexy lingerie, heels, candles, and tried seducing him when he came out of the shower. We got down to business only to have him lose his erection. I was devastated! He said it wasn't me and still says that to this day, yet he has ZERO interest in me! That lack of interest doesn't stop him from looking at porn, now on his phone, where it used to be his computer. I know there are those who would say, "he is only looking", not going out and cheating, but the fact that he isn't interested in me at all sexually has my confidence in myself as a sexy, desirable, woman at rock bottom. I don't know what to do other than continue to be lied to, hurt, and rejected by him in bed or cut my losses?

**Mes T** · 08-15-2011 02:03 AM

When it comes to a point in a relationship when one partner is knowingly hurting the other partner, again and again, no matter what it may be... I wonder if it would be better to call it quits, to be honest. Imagine getting your self esteem and confidence back, with the freedom of no longer being glued to someone who values porn over a beautiful, willing, amazing woman?

Look at the end of the day, if you are miserable in a relationship and your partner refuses to make any changes, then what choice do you have but to leave. It could be an issue much smaller than that. Say you and your boyfriend disagreed on which pizza topping is best. Well if that darn pizza topping was basically ruining your life day in and day out, wouldn't that be reason enough to leave?

This is my opinion on the matter, of course I don't mean to be so pushy in the one direction. I don't know the details of your relationship, the big picture, or anything like that - only what you've posted here.

**jns** · 08-15-2011 11:40 AM

Originally Posted by SunnyDlite

Every since we've been together though, he has had "performance issues" in the bedroom. He is a Type 2 Diabetic and claims that causes him to not be able to "get it up" at times. In the last few years it has gotten to the point where we don't have sex. I have tried lots of different things to get him "in the mood", yet he shows no interest because of his medical issues, (so he says)...? I went all out one night, with the sexy lingerie, heels, candles, and tried seducing him when he came out of the shower. We got down to business only to have him lose his erection. I was devastated! He said it wasn't me and still says that to this day, yet he has ZERO interest in me!

SunnyD, the being devastated about him losing an erection probably has a lot to do with the situation. Your reaction has probably hardened a performance anxiety started by his diabetes. Of course, the porn use simply makes things worse. But the fact that he lost an erection is an ongoing topic of conversation is problematic. Talking about it or being disappointed about it in body expressions will cause his esteem to drop. That may be the reason he doesn't want to have sex.

I have both Type 2 Diabetes and diagnosed Erectile Dysfunction so I know some of where he is coming from. I have discovered that the cholesterol controlling medication interferes with erections, even taking Levitra. The doctor just about said I would be dead in a short time if I didn't take it. I ignore her advice when necessary. Cholesterol is a necessary precursor to testosterone. The doctor would not give me testosterone due to the side effects. The blood pressure medication also can interfere with an erection.

The best way to handle this is to have sex with no expectations. He should use hands and oral to get you your orgasms and if you get one or more from intercourse, so much the better. Never seem too disappointed about the loss of erection, just give him a chance to recover, then go back at it. Even fool around in the time in between by playing with each other. Encourage him to quit looking at the porn. Notice that I said for you to orgasm first, but not stop there.