Messed up Big time with boyfriend of 6 years

**aem45** · 08-15-2011 12:18 PM

Hello,

I am writing in desperation for any advice on what to do. I have been with my boyfriend 'bob' for six years. It hasn't been easy. We've had our ups and downs and most recently I've carried out a relationship with a guy that I've ended it with. Bob found out and now doesn't want anything to do with me. Here's the story:

Bob is a great guy. He's genuine, caring, considerate and we where head over heals in love with each other. The last two years of our relationship, he ran into economic problems in his field in animation and was for the most part unemployed. I had no problem with this, except for the fact that he was very lackadaisical about the whole situation and besides the few cold-call emails here and there didn't really try hard enough. I've always been a hard worker and have worked for everything that i have. So about a year ago he moved in with his parents and although he was trying harder than usual he wasn't doing much than lolling around the house depressed. I am 24 and He is 29. I felt like he should be doing more with himself. I found this very pathetic and couldn't get past that fact that he'll probably be this way with his life and I can't start a family with a guy who is lazy and unmotivated. I tried ending it with him, but he begged me not to, so I didn't.

So my eyes strayed and I carried out a full on relationship with another guy. The new guy was fun, talented, successful and memorized me for six months. I even wrote a few posts about him. It turns out the grass isn't always greener on the other side. He is neurotic, phobic about everything and expects something for anything he gives me. What I realized is that, I was searching for a guy from a lifestyle that I don't fit into, yuppy superficial crowd. I am now on a path to try and find myself and figure out what i really want in life for myself and not from another man.

Bob is now getting himself together (he's going to grad school in the fall) and has a somewhat stable job. He's finally doing things that I wanted all along (I guess I couldn't wait the 2 years). He also found out about the other guy and now doesn't want to be with me at all. Well actually he found out month ago, and I lied about it and finally the truth came out. He was always by my side when I went through my hard times (family issues), and he felt that instead of me cheating I should have been women enough to tell him i couldn't take it and end it or just hang in there with him. He was right.

Me and Bob were wonderful together, if we didn't factor in life - like the forces of money a career and starting a new life, which eventually ruined everything. He still talks to me over the phone, but ended it with me. I feel like if I push myself on him he will take me back (with lots of regulations i believe). I miss him terribly and want him back. I know things won't be the same and I am willing to take the lack of trust and accusations.

Do you think its worth fighting for? Can anyone give me advice on somehow mending this relationship? Has anyone gone through something similar and made it out alive? I don't want to loose him.

**hanni** · 08-15-2011 12:43 PM

"I am now on a path to try and find myself and figure out what i really want in life for myself and not from another man"...

I don't know whether to comment on getting your relationship back, but there is obviously an underlying reason why you felt you needed to go with another man. Maybe when you have done some soul searching and worked out what is best for you[ you will be in the right place to start dating again.

**aem45** · 08-15-2011 12:48 PM

Thank you Hanni,

Yes you are right. I do need some soul searching which is why I think I messed up in the 1st place. I'm wondering if it is worth pursuing him after all that I did. I don't want to loose him and I'm very depressed. I can't see myself with anyone else and I don't want to let him go.

**Crystalblue** · 08-15-2011 12:48 PM

I agree. Find yourself before you dive back in to repair a broken relationship. If y'all are still talking, you might even tell him what you're going through. Learn how to be happy with you before looking to someone else to make you happy.

**aem45** · 08-15-2011 12:51 PM

Do you think the relationship can be salvaged? Or is it too late?

**KMonte85** · 08-15-2011 12:52 PM

I think after all that has happened, you owe it to both yourself and Bob to let him be for a while. If you push yourself on him, he might take you back now, but I think you know that any relationship will not be what it once was. Pressuring Bob to be with you will not solve the problem of you cheating, and how resentful/hurt he feels about that. He and you are both on a new path, and need to focus on yourselves right now.

I also get the feeling that you're partially blaming him for your infidelity. Like if he had been a more motivated man, if he had been more successful, your eye wouldn't have wandered and this whole mess wouldn't have happened. Perhaps I am reading too much into your post, but it is in NO way his fault that you cheated. Nor was it "life" ruining everything between you two. We make our own decisions in life, we choose how we react to life.

If you're ever going to stand a chance to get him back, you need to be absolutely, blantantly clear that what you did (cheating, and then lying about it when he found out) was your own doing, and the repercussions are yours to bear. It might be worth it to tell him that, and then tell him that you're going to give him the space he needs to heal and be successful in his new journey in life. Meanwhile, you should do the same.

**aem45** · 08-15-2011 01:12 PM

You are absolutely right. It is my fault. As much as i want to believe that its him, I'm the one that cheated. I will say that I did break it off with him and it was off and on for the time I was with the other guy. Even still, I lied about it and I feel deeply ashamed of myself. I was thinking of trying couples consoling, but it might be to late for that. I just can't let him go. I don't know how . . . I feel like I have to cut off my right arm. Me and bob were very very close. I don't want him to leave me.

**jns** · 08-15-2011 02:06 PM

Originally Posted by aem45

Hello,

I am writing in desperation for any advice on what to do. I have been with my boyfriend 'bob' for six years. It hasn't been easy. We've had our ups and downs and most recently I've carried out a relationship with a guy that I've ended it with. Bob found out and now doesn't want anything to do with me. Here's the story:

Bob is a great guy. He's genuine, caring, considerate and we where head over heals in love with each other. The last two years of our relationship, he ran into economic problems in his field in animation and was for the most part unemployed. I had no problem with this, except for the fact that he was very lackadaisical about the whole situation and besides the few cold-call emails here and there didn't really try hard enough. I've always been a hard worker and have worked for everything that i have. So about a year ago he moved in with his parents and although he was trying harder than usual he wasn't doing much than lolling around the house depressed. I am 24 and He is 29. I felt like he should be doing more with himself. I found this very pathetic and couldn't get past that fact that he'll probably be this way with his life and I can't start a family with a guy who is lazy and unmotivated. I tried ending it with him, but he begged me not to, so I didn't.

So my eyes strayed and I carried out a full on relationship with another guy. The new guy was fun, talented, successful and memorized me for six months. I even wrote a few posts about him. It turns out the grass isn't always greener on the other side. He is neurotic, phobic about everything and expects something for anything he gives me. What I realized is that, I was searching for a guy from a lifestyle that I don't fit into, yuppy superficial crowd. I am now on a path to try and find myself and figure out what i really want in life for myself and not from another man.

Bob is now getting himself together (he's going to grad school in the fall) and has a somewhat stable job. He's finally doing things that I wanted all along (I guess I couldn't wait the 2 years). He also found out about the other guy and now doesn't want to be with me at all. Well actually he found out month ago, and I lied about it and finally the truth came out. He was always by my side when I went through my hard times (family issues), and he felt that instead of me cheating I should have been women enough to tell him i couldn't take it and end it or just hang in there with him. He was right.

Me and Bob were wonderful together, if we didn't factor in life - like the forces of money a career and starting a new life, which eventually ruined everything. He still talks to me over the phone, but ended it with me. I feel like if I push myself on him he will take me back (with lots of regulations i believe). I miss him terribly and want him back. I know things won't be the same and I am willing to take the lack of trust and accusations.

Do you think its worth fighting for? Can anyone give me advice on somehow mending this relationship? Has anyone gone through something similar and made it out alive? I don't want to loose him.

Here is the post you had a while ago about your other relationship:
http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...tml#post272216
It gives insight into what Bob is thinking. You had a second relationship with a guy who was successful, but cheap. Bob realized he cannot compete against that kind of money. What will happen in the future if some rich guy sees you or you see some rich guy? Will Bob be left in the dust again?

Animation is one of those fields that is related to movies. I have known a lot of people who work in the movie industry, in fact I was talking with a friend I hadn't seen in maybe 20 years who works in that industry over the weekend. The movie industry runs on either feast or famine. When times are good, you make a lot of money. When they are bad, you cannot get work for long times and have to do with unemployment and savings. You have no idea when bad times are going to hit, you can only see it looking back. The next good job is only a day away (maybe). If you call too much, people will not want to know you so you don't get jobs. If you take a job at a fast food restaurant, that job you could have got will go to someone else who didn't get a job. You are expected to suffer in silence.

Bob is breaking the cycle by going back to college. Good for him. He needs to get into something he can have a future at.

I suspect that if you be nice and caring with Bob, he will take you back after a while of you paying penance. It will take much longer to repair the damage that your seeming to chase money caused. After quite a while I think he will trust you again. Do you want to take that road or go fishing again?

This situation would fit in Los Angeles and Hollywood very well.

**KMonte85** · 08-15-2011 02:58 PM

Originally Posted by aem45

I was thinking of trying couples consoling, but it might be to late for that. I just can't let him go. I don't know how . . . I feel like I have to cut off my right arm. Me and bob were very very close. I don't want him to leave me.

Counseling (not necessarily couples counseling) is probably a good idea, but make sure you're going for YOU, not because you think it might bring bob back.

Perhaps with some time and soul-searching he will come back, but for anything between you two (even a friendship) to ever be successful, it has to be on his terms now. Forcing some semblance of a relationship will never work out well in the end.

If he wants it to end, you must let that happen. Don't try to force him back, it isn't fair to him OR you. He needs to better himself and grow, and you need to do some serious reflection about why you're preoccupied with wealth and success, to the point of hurting someone you love dearly over it. You can't grow if you're grasping at Bob for comfort. And Bob can't grow if he's being guilted into staying with you.