How do I get my boyfriend to stop hang out with this man?

**Blue Pearl** · 08-18-2011 05:03 PM

Normally I don’t like to tell my boyfriend who he can or can’t be friend with. But few months ago, my boyfriend met this deaf man on his water polo team.

He seems nice at first, a bit awkward though. It took bit to get use to his deafness. Over time, my boyfriend and this man become a pretty good friend. This was fine with me until this my boyfriend start to get curious about all sort of stupid this this man was doing such as surfing at night, climbing buildings illegally, riding motorcycle on a dangerous road when it’s raining, and other things. My boyfriend eventually thinks it was so cool and decided to join him on some of stupid ideas he come up with.
I tried to put up with it for as long as possible. But it is just starting to get to extreme. Last week he asked my boyfriend if he want to go hang gliding across city at night which is very illegal! I have to really fight to keep my boyfriend from doing it and he was mad at me!

I tried to talk to this man about it a few times. I tried to tell him to take it easy, he was like “talk to your boyfriend if it bother you” I have tried to explain him that unpredictable things could happen and he have got hurt enough, he was like “if I die, at least I live my life to fullest and am not going to miss out on anything” I have tried come up with alternative plan, he’d not have any of it.
I tried to talk to my boyfriend about this and tell him I don’t want him around this man any more. My boyfriend was like “give him a break, he don’t have a family or very many friend and is trying to make best of his life” UGH!

My boyfriend acting like this man has it hard me off! It is hard for me to sit and worrying about what they may do next!

**LanaBear** · 08-18-2011 07:02 PM

Bottom line, though it sucks... Your boyfriend will do what he wants to do, you can't make it stop hanging out with anybody.

Other than having an honest, calm, conversation with him, telling him all his concerns, that is all you can do. Whether he chooses to listen and change who his friends are, is completely up to him. It sounds like your boyfriend is trying to be a good friend to him, however, his friends idea of fun isn't all that great. Can you suggest other things for them and possibly you to do? Activities that, although may be extreme, are a bit more sane?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-18-2011 07:06 PM

Firstly, breeeeeeeeeeeeathe.

The issue here is not the friend. He's an extremist, adventurous, see's no boundaries. Who are you to judge? Right?

Your boyfriend, this is a different story. He is falling to the classic male comraderie peer pressure. What is concerning here is that your boyfriend is so impressionable that all it takes is being around someone behaving this way, to make him also want to behave this way. Risking his life, risking his career and relationships by doing things which are illegal, etc. The issue is not them being friends, it is your boyfriend not being able to be this mans friend, support him for who he is, WITHOUT turning into him. BF needs to understand from you, "I like to have fun and see some adventure, but I'm not an extremist. I'm not someone who is ever going to be comfortable blatanly putting my life or livelihood at risk for a rush. We have always been on the same page with this and I'm concerned that you've suddenly taken a turn in the opposite direction. I would like to plan fun adventurous things we can do together than are safe and legal and I'd be glad for *friends name* to be a part of that too, but I will not sit back and watch you risk your life for kicks. People love you, I love you, and maybe if something happened to you you'd die living your life to the "fullest", but you'd be gone leaving all of us who love you behind to grieve for the rest of ours. I don't want to forbid you from a good friend at all, but I want us to get on the same page before we veer so far off the same page that we can't pull it back together."

Take your focus off the friend. He is who he is. Your boyfriend needs to learn not to be a chameleon, to stand firm in what is important to him and what he's willing to risk in his life.

**BabyGirl** · 08-18-2011 07:12 PM

All I can say Hun ..

Is Ask him to Chose between You and this Guy ?

Give the reason that You want the Man you Love and Want to Live with to be a Healthy Long Living, Legally Abiding Man.

**jns** · 08-18-2011 11:37 PM

Your bf is a follower and his friend is a leader - a strong alpha figure. Your bf has to decided if he wants that life or a life with you. Do what is right for you - if it is more than you are comfortable with, consider breaking the relationship.

**WildChild** · 08-19-2011 12:02 AM

Its possible he may change someday, if he chooses to. But its unlikely he will anytime soon and it may only be after some kind of near miss or disaster. Do you want to be tied to a follower who fails to see problems with blindlly following another?

**Blue Pearl** · 08-20-2011 02:03 AM

Ok I just talked to my boyfriend today…
This man isn’t a leader at all. In fact, he barely has anybody to do anything with outside of water polo. My boyfriend says the reason this man is willing to risk his life for a rush is because he doesn’t have much to life for, so he doesn’t have much to lose and doesn’t want to live a dull life.
My boyfriend join him partially as a peer pressure because he’s hoping that he’ll somehow be able to help this man out in long term and partially because he want to try new things and since this man is the only one that we know of who have capability to do a lot of things, he doesn’t want to lose the opportunity.

My boyfriend want to help him out and say he’ll cut down on it more if I also put effort in help him out as well.
I didn’t know what to say besides saying I’ll try. I just feel like it isn’t our position to help an adult man with his social life and don’t know what to do since he’s deaf which just make thing hard and awkward in many cases.
I just hope my boyfriend eventually give up.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-20-2011 02:53 AM

So you both sign language? Good for you.

How do you deal with lost souls... IDK but I know in all of my experience in doing that exactly, myself, that I have succeeded less times than I have won..But I won't give up either.

Your boyfriend needs to be a shoulder to lean on and a strength to draw on he needs to get him involved in other things he does, so he feels that he belongs...

Not do what he does which is dangerous bless his heart.

To guide someone to go into a "right direction" when they are lost, is to have them believe in you and therefore themselves.

CW

**jns** · 08-21-2011 07:07 PM

Originally Posted by Blue Pearl

Ok I just talked to my boyfriend today…
This man isn’t a leader at all. In fact, he barely has anybody to do anything with outside of water polo. My boyfriend says the reason this man is willing to risk his life for a rush is because he doesn’t have much to life for, so he doesn’t have much to lose and doesn’t want to live a dull life.
My boyfriend join him partially as a peer pressure because he’s hoping that he’ll somehow be able to help this man out in long term and partially because he want to try new things and since this man is the only one that we know of who have capability to do a lot of things, he doesn’t want to lose the opportunity.

My boyfriend want to help him out and say he’ll cut down on it more if I also put effort in help him out as well.
I didn’t know what to say besides saying I’ll try. I just feel like it isn’t our position to help an adult man with his social life and don’t know what to do since he’s deaf which just make thing hard and awkward in many cases.
I just hope my boyfriend eventually give up.

If your bf isn't a follower, why does he participate? He could sit on the beach as the other guy surfed at night, he could stay near the building as the other guy climbed it, he could refuse to take the motorcycle ride, etc. I have been around others doing illegal things, but have not participated, even when the peer pressure was high. Now your bf is trying to rope you into the same situation. He is trying to co-opt you.

A friendship with this guy should be based on mutual respect and should be something that has a future, instead of possible problems.

**SoCoKen** · 08-23-2011 12:49 PM

Peer pressure? A follower? Why does weakness have to be implied when these guys are living life! If I had a friend that showed me those opportunities to be extreme and wild, and my gf hated it and gave me the old "its him or me" ultimatum, I would choose my life and adventure over a controlling partner any day. If he chooses the girl over the fun, he will resent it forever and always think of the memories he could have had.

If your boyfriend has a sense of adventure and you are a worrier, you just might not be a good match. Many women appreciate a lust and zeal for adventure, many guys live life safely.