Thread: Why can't I let the old fat me go?

I think it's more than letting the "fat" you go. I'm not trying to minimize that part of it because I understand that is a factor. But I think it's that you have consistently experienced relationships in which men disappointed you. I was never overweight, yet I experience these similar feelings at times. Almost like waiting for the ball to drop...."I know it's gonna happen sooner or later, so I'm gonna make it happen sooner rather than later", subconsciously of course. You have experienced several relationships in which the men gave you the stability of a relationship, but there was more to it, there were part of those men you didn't know, and their true selves eventually came out leaving you disappointed, betrayed, deceived, feeling like a fool. You just don't want to be fooled again.

Frankly, you're absolutely gorgeous. Stunning even. I know you don't see yourself that way, we never do see ourselves the way others do. But it doesn't make it any less true. It's going to take a man with whom you can sit down and show your "fat" pictures to and say "This is me. This IS me. Even today. I am still that girl with that same heart. And sometimes I still struggle with my self image. I don't expect you to relate, but I want you to understand." Because it is still you. YOur weight, even then, did not define who you were. And it doesn't now either. Same girl. Same heart. Same spirit. Why try to get rid of her? Think of it like a piece of restored furniture. The character of the furniture, it's story, its spirit never changes. But somewhere along the lines, it gets restored and now it's outside beauty matches its inside beauty. But it still is and always will be, the same piece of furniture it has always been. Embrace the "fat" you, because she has proven herself to be beautiful, intelligent, ambitious, successful, loving. Cut her some slack.

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

You have experienced several relationships in which the men gave you the stability of a relationship, but there was more to it, there were part of those men you didn't know, and their true selves eventually came out leaving you disappointed, betrayed, deceived, feeling like a fool. You just don't want to be fooled again.

BD,

First of all, thank you for the nice comments That was really sweet and made me smile.

I think you're right to some extent. A lot of it does probably tie in with the relationships. I mean, to some extent, I think at times, I blame myself. It's not that I needed to stay in those relationships when I found certain things out, but I guess to some extent, I fault myself for not realizing sooner. Then I guess you blame yourself for attracting losers for so long

I have no reason to believe my BF now is anything like those people. He's been honest with me (sometimes too honest lol) about everything we've discussed. He tells me exactly what he thinks, and he's let me know that he obviously cares about me. But sometimes it's so easy to read something into the slightest thing. Maybe some of that is because I feel like I missed things before or didn't want to see them. Some of that also probably comes with age and being to the point that I don't want to deal with BS and games anymore and would rather someone leave than waste my time.

I don't think my BF now is anything like those other people. I know he's had his ups and downs, his failures, his hurts. I think we are both hesitant at time out of fear of reliving those moments. If anything, we're really alike in that regard. I guess you just get to the point where you start to think it's you. Where you start to feel like if you were just more or something that it'd work out, that it'd come together. The closer he and I get the more the fear creeps in. It's one thing when you can keep someone at a distance, but when you are sharing intimate details and so much of your time and lives together, you realize what there is to lose. At the same time, I don't want to let my fears cause myself to cause problems that don't exist. And a lot of my worrying stems from things that don't even exist. I try to reassure myself at times, but I get so aggravated with myself. I want to not worry about it, I want it to not even come up, but now I've let this amazing man into my life, and part of me is afraid that the more he gets to know me, the more he may want to leave. (be that irrational or not)

KM, You're right. I do notice triggers. When I am stressed about out things that I have no control over, I find I tend to turn the focus on myself. I am sure there are ways I could do that positively and I do some like working out more, learning new things, etc, but I find that a lot of times it's easier to fall into the routine of being hard on myself. I know I've got to get over it and lord knows, I thought that when I got older, it'd just naturally happen. I'm not sure why I believed that, but I always kind of thought when I got older, I'd stop comparing myself to others so much. I honestly think it may have gotten worse because now I do have small wrinkles starting and gravity is slowly beginning to take effect lol

I like who I am as a person. I love that I'm smart, that I'm sarcastic, ambitious, etc. I dont' know why I can't let it go that I don't have to be everything all the time. Maybe if I can figure that out, it might help me work through things.

I've grown a lot the last 2 years as a person, but the insecurities are still very much there.