Desperately need advice re my open relationship. PLEASE HELP!

**Atinam** · 08-20-2011 01:12 PM

PLEASE HELP ME! I feel like I am going mad and really need some advice on this. I have been seeing this guy for nearly six months and it has been really intense.

We were colleagues who occasionally spoke but then we have a few shifts where we really started to get to know eachother and realised we had a lot in common.

It came out that we both quite liked the idea of a open relationship. Anyway, we started seeing eachother and it was and still is quite a lustful and passionate relationship and we decided to label that we had a open relationship - the rules just being - no mutual friends.

Things were brillaint, he's a very decent and honest man who hates the idea of lying to me and I really do believe this. He's very intense and says everything a girl wants to hear.

Anyway, things have been going well and we never really mentioned whether we had been with anyone. I hadn't and haven't. Then yesterday, I found out the code for his phone and looked at his text messages on his phone. I found sex texts to another girl he used to go to school with, and I knew they had met up for a drink recently, but I thought that was it. These texts he was sending to her 1 week ago, and it absolutely killed me and broke my heart when I saw those messages. I then asked him, about an hour late, whether he had slept with anyone. He looked at me for a minute and told me he had slept with someone, on a night out, a friend (not the girl he was texting, and not anyone I knew) about a month ago.

I then went on to question whether he was actively going out to look for sex with someone else, to which he denied -- but this is not the case because I found those filthy texts to that other girl. Now i am very confused -

I'm not devastated he's slept with someone else, I'm just absolutely gutted about those texts...he even called her "beautiful" in one of them, which to me is something so deep and meaningful and I thought it was only for me.

Now what do I do?? I can't admit I went into his phone, but to me, this has shifted something in our relationship and I can't help but see him in a different light now - as though he doesn't care for me or have any respect for me. What shall i do??

Also we're going on holiday in about 3 weeks...WHAT SHOULD I DO???? Please help, I would appreciate any advice. Thank you.

**rosekitten** · 08-20-2011 01:28 PM

If you're devestated that he slept with someone else, then you aren't able to handle an open relationship. You should tel him that. Open relationships only work with -lots- of communication, and being able to be open about sleeping with others. It shouldn't be a secret when/if you do, because that's not exactly "open." If you can't handle him sleeping with others, then you need to tell him you can't do an open relationship. He hasn't done anything wrong, because he assumed that you meant what you said about wanting an open relationship. You say it upsets you that he called her "beautiful." Were you expecting he'd just treat other women like and you like a queen? All women like to be complimented, and there's nothing wrong with him doing so. It's not that he doesn't care or have any respect for you, it's that he made the mistake of believing you when you said it was okay.

**Atinam** · 08-20-2011 01:34 PM

I know. But the thing is, I am fine about him sleeping with another woman, I don't care he slept with that girl...I just cannot get over the text messages to that other girl.

**Atinam** · 08-20-2011 01:37 PM

And also the fact he sais he's not actively looking for sex with other women when clearly he is, because he was sending that girl a booty text, asking her to come round! I thought it was more of a case of - if it happens, the opportunity arises to sleep wtih someone else, then so be it.

**rosekitten** · 08-20-2011 02:31 PM

You two need to sit down then, and define what you are or aren't okay with in an "open" relationship. You two obviously have different definitions of what it should mean, so it's not really fair to expect him to play by your rules, if they aren't clearly stated and defined.

**jns** · 08-20-2011 03:43 PM

Originally Posted by Atinam

PLEASE HELP ME! I feel like I am going mad and really need some advice on this. I have been seeing this guy for nearly six months and it has been really intense. We were colleagues who occasionally spoke but then we have a few shifts where we really started to get to know eachother and realised we had a lot in common. It came out that we both quite liked the idea of a open relationship. Anyway, we started seeing eachother and it was and still is quite a lustful and passionate relationship and we decided to label that we had a open relationship - the rules just being - no mutual friends. Things were brillaint, he's a very decent and honest man who hates the idea of lying to me and I really do believe this. He's very intense and says everything a girl wants to hear. Anyway, things have been going well and we never really mentioned whether we had been with anyone. I hadn't and haven't. Then yesterday, I found out the code for his phone and looked at his text messages on his phone. I found sex texts to another girl he used to go to school with, and I knew they had met up for a drink recently, but I thought that was it. These texts he was sending to her 1 week ago, and it absolutely killed me and broke my heart when I saw those messages. I then asked him, about an hour late, whether he had slept with anyone. He looked at me for a minute and told me he had slept with someone, on a night out, a friend (not the girl he was texting, and not anyone I knew) about a month ago. I then went on to question whether he was actively going out to look for sex with someone else, to which he denied -- but this is not the case because I found those filthy texts to that other girl. Now i am very confused - I'm not devastated he's slept with someone else, I'm just absolutely gutted about those texts...he even called her "beautiful" in one of them, which to me is something so deep and meaningful and I thought it was only for me. Now what do I do?? I can't admit I went into his phone, but to me, this has shifted something in our relationship and I can't help but see him in a different light now - as though he doesn't care for me or have any respect for me. What shall i do?? Also we're going on holiday in about 3 weeks...WHAT SHOULD I DO???? Please help, I would appreciate any advice. Thank you.

I don't think you can handle an open relationship in almost any normal form. Most cannot. Unless you also try to break into other friends' phones, you are not secure about who you are enough to detach from anything your SO is doing on the outside. That is the reason you went after his confidential communications. Further, you get jealous about him using the same style of intimate communication that he has with you to communicate with another person. That style of communication is to be expected and may have more or less impact than his saying such things to you does. You cannot expect him to have an open relationship where the others he is with are found by bumping into them at the corner, quickly followed by passionless sex. Your judgement about him being honest is off, but you found out about it by breaking his trust with you. That puts you in a bind because to let him know you know he is being deceitful, you have to confess to that breach of trust.

You could see if he is willing to upgrade to an exclusive relationship. He will probably still be deceitful, even if you get him to open all of his communications. You have to work on yourself about breaching trust. Generally, I don't see him changing to fit your new terms. You may want to start over with someone new.

**oxy-moron** · 08-20-2011 04:12 PM

In any open relationship( and any relationship for that matter) there need to be clearly defined rules - and they need to be rules you can live with.
To me he is not acting in a open manner- you also know that he has been deceitful during questioning. This could only be considered to be sanctioned cheating.
You need to sit down with him and work out some rules- and they have to be rules that you can both live with.
Let him know that that you will be keeping an eye on him and making sure the rules are followed.

**Atinam** · 08-20-2011 05:09 PM

Thank you for all your advice so far...it means a lot that you take time out and let me know what you think because I am confused. I don't want to lose him and I feel to just leave things as there are. I mean like it was said, he hasn't really done anything wrong. We just had the one rule - no mutual friends. Would it be weird to say - no booty calls/tetxs to people, or is that wrong of me? Since yesterday, at times I just can't help but see him in a different way, as though he's such a !

**Atinam** · 08-20-2011 05:10 PM

*...as though he's such a scab! Lol.

**oxy-moron** · 08-21-2011 02:41 AM

You can have as many rules as you need to feel safe and comfortable.
A good one to start with is full disclosure of upcoming arrangements. Have a think about it for a while and make sure you cover as many of your bases as you need.