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Thread: Together for 8 years and still no marriage

  1. #1
    Junior Member Array azariah's Avatar
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    Default Together for 8 years and still no marriage


    I have been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years. I am in my early 40's and am not getting any younger. I also have an adult daughter, from another marriage, that lives in another province. We have never lived together , but we spend time together. He was the first one to help me when I arrived to Canada and did not speak the language or know anyone or anything about this new place. Usually we spend time, at my place, and very rarely, if at all, are we ever at his place. He has helped me so much in the last eight years. When I need help with money or other things, like household stuff, he is always there and always comes through. Whenever I call him, he always comes. We have great sex and really enjoy each others company. We love each other, even though he rarely goes out with me and or my friends. He is not very social and likes to keep to himself. He also owns his own company and works 16 hours a day, mostly nights. I am very social and like to go out dancing and having fun....you could say I am an extrovert and he is an introvert. I kept asking him to marry me and he said he would after he had enough money to bring his family over from another country. I realized that he was not going to marry me and so I decided to split up with him because of this. This did not last long and now we're together again. He said he does not want to marry for many reasons. I want to marry. I want to have a husband to live with and be there with me always. I am not getting any younger and really want to live with this man and be married. Marriage is very important to me. When he says he will not marry me I do not know what to do. I want to be married and have a husband and live together. If he does not want to marry then I need to leave him to find a wonderful man who loves me and wants to marry me. Time is running out. I do not know what to do. It has been 8 years and still no marriage. I love him so much, but my dream has always been to be married and have a home together. It is what I dream of and it does not seem to be coming true. I think he does not love me because he does not want to marry. I do not understand. He is with me for everything else but does not marry me. My friends say that just cause he won't marry me does not mean he does not love me. It is more complicated then that and he has experiences and beliefs that are a part of why he does not want to marry me. I believe that they do not understand, and that I am right. What should I do? I am confused, stressed out, and worried. I am sad and hurt that I think he does not love me and do not understand why he does not want to marry. He says we do not need a piece of paper to marry but I want to marry and live together. Someone have any advice to give me to help me decide what to do. I would appreciate it a lot.....Thanks and have a great night.

  2. #2
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    Wink follow up

    I'll try to help you if you want But i'm curious what was his reason to not get married? And also...Did you tell him honestly how much marriage and having a life with someone you love meant to you...Were you upfront with what you need and expect about this relationship?

    Tell me more..so i'll try to help you !

    Take care of yourself

  3. #3
    Senior Member Array JubesInquest's Avatar
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    What do you know about this man you want to marry?
    IMO, sounds like he's already married!

    How many times have you seen his place? What's the problem that he doesn't spend time with you at his place?

    He doesn't like to go out with you & your friends. Ok, maybe he's shy.

    He won't marry you -- after 8 years. He doesn't see why he should "put it on paper". Maybe he just wanted to have fun for 8 years and that's it.

    Have you really checked into his background? Do you know for sure that he's not already married or even separated from a spouse?


    If he's not willing to marry you and you don't want to keep waiting (I mean, after 8 years, I'd imagine you're tired of waiting) then let it go. It's up to you what you want to do... and you sound like you are sick-and-tired of waiting for what may never happen.

    He sounds satisfied to keep things the way they are, and you want more of a commitment. Sounds like he's not able or willing to commit to what you want.
    Quitters never win; Winners don't give in

  4. #4
    Junior Member Array azariah's Avatar
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    Default Response Blue moon.............

    Thanks blue moon. He says he does not want to marry because a piece of paper does not make the fact that he loves me any different. Because he
    has learned a lot from other peoples experiences and he says that when people marry they fight about money and fight about other things. After work they are tired and grouchy and have no time for one another. That if he were to marry me, I would not see him any more then now. He owns his own business and works night and we would not see each other much. Before he said that he has no money because he sends to his family in another country and wants to eventually bring them here for the wedding and to live with us in a house together. He switches reasons and I am not sure but they all sound like excuses sometimes. I have explained to him how I feel but he still will not marry me. I do not understand. He know I will leave him if he does not marry me and he is willing to accept that. I am so confused. He is willing to let me go because his reasons not to marry me are more important to him. I love him so much but do not know what to do. Am I prolonging my suffering? Any help would be great. Thanks.

  5. #5
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    You sound exactly like I sounded 10 years ago. I met my husband 10 years ago and we have only been married for 4 years. He too did not want to get married and knew how I felt about it, but our reasons for getting married were not what it should have been, not for love or anything like that...
    I can honestly say that it was the biggest mistake I ever made, my dreams of the beautiful white wedding, the ring, the white picket fence, the kids(I have and I adore them), the dog etc etc have all been a fantasy, it is just a dream and in reality marriage is not about that at all. Firstly, if he doesn't want to get married and he feels trapped into doing so he will despise you later. Secondly, a marriage takes alot of work and commitment and once you are in it, it is a drama to get out. Not too scare you or anything, but I wish I never got married...
    Maybe I am pessimistic because of my bad experience, but it has made me realise that life and especially happiness is hard to come by and if you have that with him treasure it and try not too worry about the what if!
    Hope this helps

  6. #6
    kaylar
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    As long as you and he are NOT living together, you
    have not, in all truth, been 'with' him, anymore than
    a casual date is with him.

    That he may be married is a possible. I wouldn't
    rule it out.

    This relationship seems to be a permanent visiting one.
    If you're looking for a husband, keep moving.

  7. #7
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    i can't believe this. I wrote a book and it's gone.

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