Thread: Obsessing over HIS ex?

D,

We all have insecurities at times. I think most people tend to feel a twinge of jealousy when thinking about your SO being with someone else. You have to remember though, that if you dwell on those insecurities, it's going to drive you crazy. I don't know how old you are and that honestly might add some clarity for me, but either way, you have to focus on what you all have. The lucky thing for you is that you don't have past relationships to bring baggage along with you, but you do have this insecurity. He says he loves you, wants to be with you, etc. You are going to have to trust in that. Obviously, he's not going to drop an entire set of friends. Also, even though he understands the insecurities now, if you keep on with the same things, you will end up pushing him away. A lot of people have SOs in their past, and you have to learn that obviously there was a reason it didn't work and he is with YOU now.

When those fears creep up, just remind yourself that you're the one with the guy, and push them to the side! Then, maybe try to get to where those fears are coming from. That is the only way you'll ever truly get over it.

Thank you for your reply! I really appreciate it.

I just turned 22 (which seems a bit embarrassing, I feel like I shouldn't be as insecure as I am) and my boyfriend will be 26 next month.

Your not the only one with a tonne of insecurities - im exactly the same and im 25 (so you would have thought id have some control over them ha!) Some days im that bad that I dont even want to watch movies with him incase there is a hot girl in it, and dont even get me started on if he even briefly looks at another girl when we are walking through town! ha! Although when i do sit back and think that he chose me instead of the billions of other girls he could have picked, it leaves me feeling very special. But dont think for a second that you are the only one with crazy thoughts - because your not!

I dont think i would appreciate very much if my boyfriend would be bringing his mates on nights out or holidays and such. I would feel totally insecure aswell i would have thought. Its good that you have spoken to him about it - really positive that you can speak to your guy about things like that and feel comfortable in doing that. Maybe suggests holidays or weekend breaks away for just he two of you? no one else - have some proper quality time together. Will help you realise that he only wants you and wants to spend time with you and just you.

As ifor the shyness - you will get more involved with your guys family in time. It took me a while as i was a bit apprehensive at first. Try to relax and to just realise that they are just people at the end of the day. Legs up to their butts just like you (as my mum would say!)

Originally Posted by drock

Thank you for your reply! I really appreciate it.

I just turned 22 (which seems a bit embarrassing, I feel like I shouldn't be as insecure as I am) and my boyfriend will be 26 next month.

D, I just turned 30 this month and *I* still have insecurities. Honestly, I don't know that they ever go away a 100% and if someone says they have, then I am guessing they are in the minority. We all have things that trigger us to feel uncomfortable or a little bit less secure in ourselves. I think the thing you learn as you get older is how to try to start managing those insecurities so that you they do not control you.

I'm not saying that is an easy process. Sometimes, even now, I let my fears get the best of me, but you want to make sure that you are not letting fears over things that you either 1) cannot control or 2) may not be as bad as you think ruin the times that you and your boyfriend have. I think the best line of defense is to not let yourself dwell on it. When you start to catch yourself thinking about his exes, just remember (as many times as you have to tell yourself) that there is a REASON why he's not with them. We all grow and move on. Just enjoy your man and be good to yourself!

Girlie, it is completely normal for you to feel uncomfortable whenever he or any of his friends mentions her. It's completely normal for you to feel insecure about this. It's completely normal to feel like you can't possibly live up to being the kind of person YOU THINK SHE IS. I capitalized those words because I just want you to keep that in mind, that your mind creates those insecurities because you have this IDEA of who you think she really is. You have this idea of how you think your boyfriend and her had their relationship. But it's completely normal. And I'm going to tell you this because I, myself, am in a similar situation. I mean, I feel the same way you do about my bf's ex. And no matter what I try to tell myself to make it better, nothing helps.

I'm 22 also, so kudos to us =)

I understand you completely. My situation is a little different because the ex of my bf is the mother of his first son...and so she will never ever go away. I feel a twinge of jealousy or insecurities a lot because there have been moments when he has said he thought she was attractive. (He told me when we first got together that the kind of girls he thinks are super hot have dark hair and olive skin...guess what my bf's ex looks like? YEAH!) There are pictures he has of her with his son...he says the one thing he misses most about her is the way she cooks (and I could never compare to that! I am a terrible cook because I never had anyone to teach me growing up!) He calls her all kinds of names and swears he hates her, but there's something about her that still makes me insecure. He told me once that he had gotten her an engagement ring...THAT hurt. He and I have talked about marriage, but knowing there is someone else in his life who he has felt the same way about just HURTS. He is the first guy I have ever thought about marrying, but I am not the first girl for him. And it's not his fault, the past is the past and can't be changed. But it's not my fault either for feeling that way, so I don't beat myself up over it. Nor should you about your situation!!

And KYA, that is HILARIOUS that you said that about feeling insecure about hot girls in movies! ME TOO!! =) I hate when we're watching a movie and there is a sex scene, or big boobies on the screen, or a nice set of cheeks walk by the camera....UGH!!! Talk about running to look in the mirror afterwards! HAha!! But it's normal. So I just shrug it off and live it up when my favorite hunk of muscle comes on screen and he has to watch me go goo goo over him. Hee Hee!

And Drock, one more thing: It is admirable to hear you say that you know it's probably just you and your own insecurities...It is admirable to hear you say that you put in an effort to get to know the ex when you had the chance. That's what makes it all even more normal, and that's what's going to make it even more easy for you to accept yourself and easier for you to get over. You are totally worth loving. No wonder your bf is with you.