He cheated before he got serious with me

**Hun** · 08-26-2011 07:21 AM

I could really do with your advice on this one. Sorry it's long!

My partner & I started sleeping with each other a year ago but he wasn't ready for a relationship yet and neither was I.

After a few months we got close and I asked if we could be exclusive because i didn't like the thought of him being with someone else. He said he didn't mind and that he didn't want to have sex with other people anyway but that he still wasn't ready for a relationship. Later he maintained that he couldn't handle the thought of me even dating anyone else.

I then found out (he didn't tell me) he had been having sex with someone else for 6 months of us seeing each other. He stopped it before we had become officially boyfriend and girlfriend. It was also before he realised he love me. BUT he got back in touch with her very recently after we had been official for 3 months and tried to meet with her again for sex. He tells me he changed his mind but I know she said no so I will never know if he would have gone through with it. Plus there were a lot of very sexual messages between them. This was after a week where we had been apart and arguing a lot.

It was a very painful relationship for a year as he wasn't committing to me but not letting me go either, manipulating, lying etc. saying whatever he needed to do to keep seeing me.

Now since I found out, and it's all kicked off because I am so angry at the deceit, he is being the perfect boyfriend. Now he is doing all the things I wanted before. He is really attentive, supportive, committed & tells me he is 100% sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and has been talking a lot about our future. He wants everyone to know we are together etc. We don't argue any more cause he is so 'with' me and what he says is what he does, not like it was before when nothing felt right.

He is also doing a lot of work on himself re: working out why he lied & how he can stop lying. He is being honest with me about everything at the moment, I can tell. He says something has just shifted with him and doesn't want to loose me and loves me so much. We are amazing together now. I can feel the shift in him. He said he was sick of what he was like. When he realised I might leave him he completely fell apart and that's when something changed in him.

I can see us working out. We really fit well together. IF and that's a big IF I can get past all the lying (there was lots of lying about other things also for the whole year). Should I give this a chance? Can and should I treat it like before doesn't count or am I a doormat for even considering it?

Thank you so much for reading,

best wishes

**Crystalblue** · 08-26-2011 09:34 AM

I feel like I can't really take a vote on this. It's one of those decisions where the individual has to decide what they want. That's a hard choice to make sometimes. Love doesn't follow logic and reason so even a seemingly wrong choice can be the right one. I get why your head would be spinning.

Sit down and make a pros and cons list for your relationship. Do some writing on what you want in a relationship and then maybe it'll be easier for you to see if he can offer those things. You don't have to rush yourself into making a decision either way.

**stressed** · 08-26-2011 09:48 AM

How long has he been so "great" and "different" for?

**Hun** · 08-26-2011 11:05 AM

Thanks for your very helpful replies. very much appreciated.

"How long has he been so "great" and "different" for?"

Since I found out, so about 3 weeks.. He is now going to be away working in another country for 3 months! He wants to keep it going while he is away but I am not sure about that. I'll get space at least.

Crystalblue you & I are very like-minded! I already wrote out what I wanted and found out what he wanted too and they match up. Pros: we are like minded, have a shared sense of humour, interests, values & get on very well when we are problem solving, chilling & people who have seen us together think we a great together. Cons... he tried to have sex with someone else 3 weeks ago and although I do actually believe he has changed his mindset since, I am still taking a big risk if I stay. Other con is that I am still hurting from the lying and that feeling hits me in waves unexpectedly. I hear you can still feel hurt years later when you see a film with someone cheating in it or things like that. We weren't officially together when he was having sex with her but we were acting like we were, he was saying there was no one else.. and the thought of him sleeping with her while I was at work!... and her staying over

x

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-26-2011 11:20 AM

Eh. So he's all wonderful now, being attentive (I don't consider that wonderful, I consider an expected part of a relationship.

) AFTER you caught him trying to cheat on you. In my eyes, he might not have gotten to meet up with her and seal the deal, but he cheated because he certainly intended to.

Virtually any guy that gets caught cheating, beeeeeeeeeeeeegs for forgiveness, says "I love you", uses words like "forever" because they know you want to hear that, pleads and cries and begs for you to keep them. That doesn't mean it's sincere.

Reality is, if this were indeed the ideal relationship, he wouldn't be trying to meet up with an ex for a booty call. He can promise you never to do it again, but the real issue is the need to deceive. He can say in the beginning you weren't "officially" together, but that's nothing but a label. When someone tells you there is no one else, yet as soon as you leave they're calling someone else over to sleep with....that's deceitful. Very similar to what he's doing now, right? "You're the only one I want", yet you know only a few weeks ago he invited another women to sleep with him.

For someone, you will be enough. Never settle for someone who deceives you.

**Hun** · 08-26-2011 11:28 AM

wow. Thank you

**Hun** · 08-26-2011 11:41 AM

I do agree with you but also don't..

He also sees the lying as the main issue and has been trying to work out why he does it, why he started lying, how he can stop etc. he is listening to NLP hypnosis mp3s specifically about that, going to general self help groups & reading books to be the person he wants to be.

He sees it as completely wrong, what he did and has never made any excuses or tried to say it didn't count because we weren't officially together.

When I found out and I was angry and wanted to hurt him I (lying) told him that I had been sleeping with someone else the whole time behind his back. he was devastated & that's when he realised how bad what he had done was as he'd never been on the receiving end. He also said straight away that it is nothing short of what he deserves and he has no right to be angry with me. I told him later that the truth, that I had never cheated on him. He says he understands why I said I had. The relationship started to be great after that. It wasn't at the time of him trying to cheat!

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-26-2011 12:23 PM

I'm not saying people can't change their ways. I'm just saying they often don't. If you feel good about things and believe him in what he says, then you should do what you think is right if that means giving the relationship another chance. Just know that it shouldn't take cheating and threatening to leave to get someone to treat you right.

And if you believe in the relationship enough to continue in, there's no need to be checking his email files then right?

**Hun** · 08-26-2011 12:37 PM

very good point

**SoCoKen** · 08-26-2011 02:52 PM

Why do you say he "cheated" if it was before you were exclusive? Seems like a contradiction to me.

Sometimes it takes a moment where you have a fear of losing someone to really commit yourself.

Some people are just not good at being monogamous.

Only you know him well enough to know the difference. Strangers can make judgments over the internet with nothing to lose, but you need to do what YOU feel is right.

Maybe more of a question is, if you were able to give him another chance, would your trust in him (or lack of) be an issue that harms the relationship in the long run?