Ex kept my things

**stressed** · 08-31-2011 06:36 AM

This is more to vent than anything, really. I don't want to burden my friends with it as there's nothing they can do.

I recently got my things back from my ex after several months. I left for the holidays while we were together, we had an argument, and I didn't return (he lives in another country). We shared the same place for nearly three years and I bought every new piece of furniture he has today at his place (he could never afford anything other than the bills). Kitchen, living room, bedroom furniture, everything.

Well, he basically only returned my clothes and a couple of other things, not everything. He had asked for the apartment keys before I got my things back and he didn't want me to enter his apartment, removed my name from the door right away (which caused me a huge problem with my bills, as they had no address to go to for over a month) and so on.

I don't keep in touch with him but I just sent him a short, angry e-mail about it, not expecting anything to happen, just to annoy him. During the break up he'd say that I may have bought so many things but the rent and food he bought was worth more.

It's just so frustrating, because it's not like I could take a taxi and pick up my things during out break up, I thought he'd have the decency to return the things that belong to me, not just my clothes. I don't want the furniture, I want things I owned even before I moved there. It's like he kept everything he found useful and what he'll say back will be "well, you left, I packed what I could".

I'm glad we didn't have a child together, sounds like he'd be one of those people who wouldn't even let me see my own child. I guess I paid leaving him and "saving my life" with many of my personal belongings. Better the things than the rest of my life I guess.

Anybody been through the same or similar situation over items after a breakup?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-31-2011 06:48 AM

That's incredibly frustrating. Part of you says "Cut your losses and get over it", but the other part says "Yeah but what he did was SO wrong".

Recently an ex of mine told me of his ex (the one he cheated on me with haha) taking a bunch of his things. He had moved, and they had shared a home here together. He paid for EVERYTHING. He agreed for her to go in to the home and get her things. She not only got her things, but took several things of his that she thought may be of value. They were not things she purchased or contributed to purchasing. He was, of course, very angry at her. Said it proved to him what kind of person she was afterall. In other words, it makes you even more thankful you're no longer with that person.

What kinds of things did he leave out? Have you thought about making a list of the things that you bought and want? Let him know you have receipts for each thing and can prove they are rightfully yours. Yes, he paid rent, but he still has his apartment AND the furniture you bought for it.

**KMonte85** · 08-31-2011 06:49 AM

It's sad to see. There are 2 people who were once so fond of each other, chose to be in an exclusive relationship, share a home, and once things go sour, then one or both people make parting ways sour... forgetting what once was, and being civil in that memory. I haven't personally been through this sort of situation, but I'm currently watching a close friend go through it with his ex. It is long and drawn out as they both still live near each other, but the hard feelings are causing her to act with her emotions and not her mind. He was lucky to get his clothing back, and he also paid for everything (he worked, she didn't. No kids). Luckily, it seems the law is probably on his side when it comes to the house they bought together... but like you, he's realizing now that as painful as it is to deal with such a messy break at the moment, once it's said and done, he'll have the rest of his life to be happy, much happier than he would have been with her. And that is worth all the dishes and furniture and the cat.

As you said, stressed, the "things" can be replaced... yes, you just made an expensive involuntary donation to a person you don't much care for, and holy cow can that be frustrating (even enraging - its YOUR things!!). But in comparison to the blessings you'll receive from making this positive change in your life? Well, there really is no comparison! You're going places now! Let him have the "stuff" because what you've got going on is so much bigger than that.

**ska1331** · 08-31-2011 07:14 AM

I have actually had a few similar experiences and have a 21yr old son I've never seen. What I have found is aside from never getting to have a relationship with my son, there was nothing I couldn't replace or live without. I basicallytraded those things for the oportunity to have a better life and to find my true love. Sometimes we have to let go of one thing in order to receive another. If starting over from zero a few times is what it took to find my wife, well I would do it again. I pray that thru this you find the one you are meant to be with. This is only another step on the road to where you are meant to be.

**stressed** · 08-31-2011 07:38 AM

Thanks, girls, it helps to read your comments

(I'll be angry again once he replies to my e-mail, but I just had to send it. If anything he'll see what opinion I have of him). I even bought him a bike to go to work with... (the store person had laughed at us and said "it's the first time a girlfriend buys a bike for her boyfriend here, how sweet") (grrrh).

It's so many CD's, electronic things (I'm a technology freak and I love my tech stuff), even other things I'd have to see to recall I brought over with me. He even kept the kitchen gloves and aprons my mom had sent me (not that important, but I did relate them to my mom). Table clothes and so on. I have to start collecting everything again I guess. At least I got my Windows 7 back, because I had specifically asked for them (costed over 200 euros at once and are so important that I couldn't let that go).

It's just ridiculous that he sent me bed covers and bed sheets, his framed photos (because the frame was mine?) and other laughable objects that I bought for "us", that I only threw away, and didn't send me actually useful things. He even moved the chair I had at my desk to his mom's, expecting me to pick it up (of course I told her she could keep it, what on earth would I do with a single chair. I suppose it was taking up space in his place ha!).

I always thought it was ridiculous to argue over objects after a break up, I thought people should at least get their own things back, split the rest, or at least agree on what's to be kept. Why argue over objects for. Now I know that it just shows you what the other person is really like. How selfish and greedy one can be during a break up and it only scares me to think what divorced couples go through over children and why we see them fight at courts.

All this just makes me want to share next to nothing in my next relationship, I've already been through this twice (first time not to this degree, but I still lost a few things after leaving my abusive boyfriend in the same way, even if we didn't live together). You give, you spend, emotionally, practically, in every way, only to have greed back at you. This last relationship has made me so poisonous toward relationships that it will take years before I'll give anything to a guy again, even a gift.

But you're right. If the best he got out of this was material things, I got my freedom and another chance at life. I'm even going to lose my new car now, as I have to sell it since it costs too much to move it to this country (something my parents helped me buy for "us". His parents never contributed to anything, or even visited us, and they lived 15 mins away, mine lived a whole other country away). But the lesson I learned was priceless and I could only learn that good by losing that much. I've even stopped buying many things now as I don't feel they're worth that much, I could lose them at any point (which is not 100% valid, but I guess it's good to see it that way and become less materialistic).

Thank you for reading, I'm glad I have you here over bad times

Friends are great to have, but some times you need someone else.

**stressed** · 08-31-2011 07:40 AM

Originally Posted by ska1331

I have actually had a few similar experiences and have a 21yr old son I've never seen. What I have found is aside from never getting to have a relationship with my son, there was nothing I couldn't replace or live without. I basicallytraded those things for the oportunity to have a better life and to find my true love. Sometimes we have to let go of one thing in order to receive another. If starting over from zero a few times is what it took to find my wife, well I would do it again. I pray that thru this you find the one you are meant to be with. This is only another step on the road to where you are meant to be.

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you haven't met your son, it must be tough on you, but like you said, some times we have to make sacrifices to live our lives. Thank you again.

**kygirl** · 08-31-2011 02:03 PM

Stressed:

I know you may not want to mess with it, but is there any way you could take him to court? I mean, I don't know the value of all the things he kept, but maybe if he got a subpeona served to him, he might hand it all over.

If you'd rather just cut your losses I *totally* understand, but that's not fair to you either!

**Elanor-Jane** · 08-31-2011 10:33 PM

when you lose everything i find you dont go out and aquire so much stuff. or if u do its stuff you would burn lol

sounds like he's just trying to get back at you. tool

**ska1331** · 08-31-2011 11:51 PM

Not a problem. I only pray that you don't allow your past to hinder, but to guide and grow you. I used to spend quite abit of time wondering "what could have been" and all the "what ifs" but I have such happiness today that its not worth it. My son's mom walked out on me the night I proposed to her without any warning. Needless to say it took me a year before I could even date. As a matter of fact I didn't even touch a woman, other than hugging my mom, for over a year. Even after meeting and marrying my wife, it was still a lot of work to get over her. Sometimes its the bad relationships that are the hardest to overcome. But then you are strong, wise and able and this will not stop you.

**rcoreyus** · 09-02-2011 11:09 PM

Hi Stressed
Maybe look at this in a positive light. He behavior will cure any doubts you could have possibly had about leaving him. It gives you absolute certainty that you did the right thing - that he was fundamentally a very selfish person. You probably already knew this, but his actions remove any possible trace of doubt. Maybe that is worth more than any amount of "stuff".