Guy friends...

**kygirl** · 09-06-2011 01:44 PM

So, I've always had a decent amount of guy friends, and I've dated some or whatever before we were friends or we were friends, dated, and then became friends again. Now, my bf and I have talked about this, and he is okay with me having guy friends, but I am starting to have issues with one of them.

My bf and I have been together for almost 7 months. Things are great. We basically live together. We share groceries, I've started cooking, helping with cleaning, etc. I'm extremely happy. My bf has met one of my friends one time about 3 months ago and he said he got the feeling that my friend liked me and therefore did not feel like the friend liked him. I blew it off as just some mild jealousy and went on.

Over the last few months, I've come to realize that he might be right. The thing is, that my friend and I only dated like a couple weeks over 3 years ago. But I am starting to notice that he always seems more interested when I'm attached. This time he seems VERY interested. He constantly asks how things are going, if I am happy, how he's treating me... He's even implied a few times that I didn't answer his texts because my BF didn't like him with 1) isn't a fair assumption since he only met him once with a group for about an hour and 2) had nothing to do with it. I told him, I'd mostly started going to sleep earlier so when he texted me with his insomnia, I wasn't available to chat. Then the other day, he said I still needed to come see his house, even though I've mentioned that SEVERAL times MANY moons ago. Now I just feel like that's inappropriate to ask me to do when I'm seeing someone?

I'm not sure how to handle the situation. We've been friends for almost 4 years, we work together, he's a great guy, but I am starting to get a bit frustrated by his clinging on to me all the time. What would you do? I don't want to just totally write him off, but now he's starting to make me feel like he's just waiting for us to break up and it's not gonna happen.

HELP!

**Little** · 09-06-2011 01:57 PM

My gut says to give him a serious talking-to. But if he likes you, he'd probably deny it until he was blue in the face.

Another option is to be flippantly oblivious. Blather on about how great your boyfriend is. Annoying? Yes. But it's also very to-the-point. If you're happy, and you are, there should be no problem with your expressing it.

Though I don't think it's necessarily inappropriate to see a male friend's home while attached, in this case it seems like he's vying to get you alone. Don't give him the time of day. You may have to put your friendship on the back burner until he finds someone else. Then you can rekindle your friendship via a double date

**KMonte85** · 09-06-2011 02:35 PM

Yeah, there's a good chance this guy-friend is starting to have more than "friendly" feelings for you. And don't be so quick to discredit your boyfriend's initial reaction. Just like women (secure women, anyway) can honestly tell when another woman is crushing on her man, a man can tell when another man is crushing on his woman.

It seems mostly harmless, like he's not actively trying to pursue you, but he's crossing some boundries that need to be re-established. So next time he whines that you didn't respond to his text because your BF doesn't like him, throw that back in his face. Why is he so occupied with what your boyfriend thinks that it would be the first conclusion he comes to when you don't text back?

When he says you should come see his house, accept the offer and ask when you and your boyfriend could stop by...

I'm not one for being passive-aggressive, but if your friend isn't seranading you by moonlight and making decoupage art of your image, he probably only needs some gentle hints that you're very much taken and very much NOT interested in him.

**kygirl** · 09-06-2011 02:52 PM

thanks ladies

He knows that I'm extremely happy, and I think that part of him is probably happy for me, but also jealous a bit. I'm definitely *not* interested in pursuing anything. I've been waiting for someone like my bf for a really long time, and I'm not going there

I tell him stories about what we did all the time, and he's seen the flowers he sent for my birthday, etc. I also have our picture on my phone, he knows we're together all the time. I don't think I could be much more clear, but I do like the "when can we stop by" approach

I don't want to lose a good friend, because he's been there when I've needed him and vice versa, but I just want to make sure he understands that the boundaries are *mine* and *I* am the one who thinks the behavior is inappropriate. I am hoping it doesn't have to get any more firm that that.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-07-2011 05:48 PM

he always seems more interested when I'm attached. This time he seems VERY interested. He constantly asks how things are going, if I am happy, how he's treating me...

I tell him stories about what we did all the time, and he's seen the flowers he sent for my birthday, etc. I also have our picture on my phone, he knows we're together all the time.

I see two things actually.

You are treating him like a "buddy friend" one that you can confide in and share your good news, flowers, love etc, it's a bit like when a girl talks to another girlfriend about how fantastic her sex life is and all of a sudden her "girlfriend" starts fantasizing and then acts on it, behind her back through that fantasizing.

So I see, this guy probably fantasizes about how "good" your relationship is and wishes he had a "good" relationship and maybe therefore, fantasizes about you and him together as a result.

I also see a "buddy" friendship therefore, him just wanting you as that "buddy" in his life sharing like two girls in a way.

My suggestion would be, stop talking to him about your relationship in any fashion even if it's sharing your woes, that may make him think it's a "get in" as he feels for you, too close to your relationship, in-other-words...

Keep your friendship separate to your relationship...

PS: I want to know as soon as your results come in

CW

**stressed** · 09-08-2011 05:15 PM

I agree, there's no point telling him everything about your relationship or proving that you are in a relationship all the time. Friends talk about other things when there's no interest.

I don't know how it works for the other girls here, but I never talk about relationships with guy-friends of mine. Whenever they ask me about it or want to know more it's because they're interested in more than a friendship and that's where the friendship ends. Even talking to girlfriends about our relationships all the time isn't great either, whether we are fine or there are problems, both for our sake and theirs. Friends are friends, not therapists

**kygirl** · 09-16-2011 08:14 AM

CW and Stressed:

I do want to clarify that I don't really talk to him about specific details. It's more like in conversation when you are talking about Oh BF and I went to this great restaurant this weekend or BF said the same thing about that movie or I hope weather is nice this weekend because BF is wanting to go play golf...those sorts of things.

I have already let him know that I feel like inferences to anything sexual are TMI. I don't even go into details on that (or great detail) with my GFs and I def think those conversations would be too much. I think he's starting to get the drift. I do think some of it is that he's lonely and we're friends and obviously we both think each other are great to some extent or we wouldn't be friends. I realize that sometimes it's easy to start thinking there is something more, but I have def been there done that before and I know it always seems like the grass is greener

I guess part of it is maybe his curiousity about how serious things are and stuff. We know I haven't had the best track record with men the last few years and I'm sure at times he is just wanting to make sure I'm happy and being treated well. Hopefully, the longer the BF and I stay together, the more he will realize how good things are and start focusing on something else!

PS. WC, I will be sure to let you know the results..Hopefully they are good!