Internal trust issues with boyfriend-or myself?

**Saberhead** · 09-06-2011 04:49 PM

Hey everyone-

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and we are very much in love. We have been through some really really hard times. Hes a recovering alcoholic, 2 months sober then he fell off the wagon, now back on for over a month but this time going to AA and taking anti depressants. We just moved in together this month (practically were living together 6 months ago anyway) and I love our apartment and our life together here.

Im having some really bad issues internally with trust. My boyfriend just got his old job back from a seasonal place where this one girl works. To me, she is prettier than me, thinner, much more "hip" in dress sense, I dont know her that well but the two times Ive met her she seems really nice. One night almost 8 months ago we went out with her and drank at a dance club (when we both drank). She was incredibly nice to me and told me how much my boyfriend loves me and talks about me all the time. For some reason on this night my boyfriend told he didnt want me to dance "closely" with him because she was getting over a break up and it might upset her. He repeated this several times and it made me incredibly paranoid that perhaps he liked her in some way? This is a residual thing from him being extremely drunk....bad memories....but hes never cheated or ever been distant from me. All he ever does is tell me how much he loves me and how hes working so he can "share" his money with me and buy me things and take me out to places I "deserve". We're both pretty poor and have been for a while so money has always been an issue.

I know this girl is not a bad person. I know my boyfriend wouldnt have moved in with me if he didnt love me. The situation is totally absurd but Im so frustrated that I cant just GET OVER IT. They barely talk or hang out even! I dont know what is wrong with me and why Im so upset about something that happened SO long ago. I even brought it up to him several times in the past and hes always said "I dont even remember saying that to you, I totally understand why that would make you feel that way and I promise nothing is going on. Everytime I see her she just asks me about you".

So I mean, obviously the issue is with me! What can I do to just...stop? Why am I thinking so badly of myself?
Im a physics/math student, I have two jobs, Im fairly attractive and not unhealthy or mentally disturbed. Im a great catch but for some reason I cant seem to obsess over the fact that someone would choose her over me? How can I deal with this? I dont want this to continue and become an issue every time he goes to work

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-07-2011 05:56 PM

Im a physics/math student, I have two jobs, Im fairly attractive and not unhealthy or mentally disturbed. Im a great catch but for some reason I cant seem to obsess over the fact that someone would choose her over me? How can I deal with this? I dont want this to continue and become an issue every time he goes to work

Hes a recovering alcoholic, 2 months sober then he fell off the wagon, now back on for over a month but this time going to AA and taking anti depressants. We just moved in together this month (practically were living together 6 months ago anyway) and I love our apartment and our life together here.

Welcome to the Forum Saberhead.

I think that because he is a recovering alcoholic, that is struggling with this but trying hard to kick the habit, it gives you mis-trust in any event.. Being on anti depressants means he is not coping but hey, you are by his side, be happy, keep loving and forget the past. The happier you two are together the easier it is going to be for him to get past all of his own problems and reasons for becoming an alcoholic. Yes, I believe there are reasons why people lose themselves, their hope, dreams, goals...

You don't feel safe that's all.. So you are reminding yourself of things in the past due to that.

What are your dreams and goals together, you've made one move that you are both seemingly happy with, and that's living together.. And what are your dreams and goals seperately. How can the two of you move towards those, what do you need to do to do so.. Start working towards the future and I think you will find that you will not think of these things anymore, obviously given they hardly talk, or did, he is just a sensitive soul that cares about people, in my opinion.

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-09-2011 02:25 PM

bumping for more replies.

**Seeker_Advice** · 09-09-2011 02:39 PM

A male's perspective...

Contiuing to harbor concern over this single event to me shows immaturity and/or insecurity on your part.

According to the way in which your BF treats you, compliments you and tells you he loves you, you need to get over it....today.

Like so many other things in our lives, mine too, this is a choice you're making, allowing this to keep bugging you. Sooner or later, if it hasn't already, it's going to impact your life with your partner and then it's going to start bugging him.

So as hard as it appears now, "flip the switch" and move on. Yes, it's that simple.

I could write a book, that no one would read, on how many insignificant things I use to let bug me until one day a friend of mine told me the same thing. It's a choice...flip the switch!

While there is no alcoholism in my relationship, there is plenty in my family history, so I can relate to that too...first hand.

Remember, NOTHING you do or say, for the rest of your lives together, will ever cause him to drink, if he ever does. Once his body detoxifies and is free of it's dependence on alcohol, it becomes a choice for him whether to drink or not drink that day...

Days add up to weeks and weeks add up to years. One member of my family has 37 years, or 13,505 days of sobriety...One Day At A Time !!

Flip the Switch! He did...(in his desire not to drink anymore)

I wish you the best.