Boyfriend unwilling to loan me a mere $50?

**michelly** · 09-07-2011 07:29 AM

I'm hoping I can get the advice of some people closer to my boyfriend's age (30) so that I'm able to understand his perspective more. I'm a 21 year old student, whereas my boyfriend used to be a banker but recently went back to study about a year ago.

Anyway I needed $50 urgently today. I couldn't get through to my mum's phone, and I didn't feel like bothering my dad or my sister who were working. So I asked my boyfriend if he could loan it to me first and I'd pay him back when I see him tomorrow. He said that he didn't think it was a good idea for us to get involved financially with each other so quickly as it might turn into a bad habit (we've only been dating 4 months). After that he told me that I should ask my parents and sisters first before approaching him, and hung up shortly after that.

Okay, I do know he dated this girl before me who was tens in thousands in credit card debt and she kinda wanted someone rich to loaf off. But seriously, I'm nothing at all like her. I'm a huge spendthrift and I save up most of the allowance which I'm given. It's not as if I don't have the money to pay him back. It's all at home, I just didn't have enough money on me then.

As hard as I try to just forget it, I can't and I'm still really teed off by it. I think it was a perfectly reasonable request. $50 is honestly not much at all, especially not to him. Furthermore I have a good record with money. I try to save as much as it as possible and I don't spend much at all. His statement about how I should ask my family members first just worries me as it feels that he'd be extremely reluctant to help me out financially should I ever need it.

Perhaps what really upsets me is that if the situation were reversed, I'd have gladly helped him out, even if he told me he needed to borrow $500 for a month or something.

Can someone else who's able to understand his point of view please explain it to me? Because I'm extremely pissed off at his reluctance to help me out regarding financial problems.

**KMonte85** · 09-07-2011 07:48 AM

The man has been burned in the past before from loaning money to a significant other. You may be nothing like her, but we all learn lessons from past relationships. The lesson he learned? Don't loan money to those people you are closest to. I am very much of the same mindset. I am adamant about keeping my finances separate from my relationships (friends, family, partners). It's not being greedy, it's being cautious. When money and friendships mingle, the relationship can be (and many times is) completely ruined. Broken promises, hard feelings, resentment... it becomes less a friendship or partnership and more of a payer/payee situation.

You also didn't mention what the $50 was for... sure in the scope of things it may not be a big deal, but perhaps it is. If you wanted to borrow money to spend on something unneccessary that is even further evidence that your boyfriend was correct.

He's been honest with you. It doesn't seem that he mistrusts you. He just cares enough about you that he doesn't want to muddy the waters of a new relationships with debits and credits, especially given you've only been seeing each other for a short time. Sure, as mentioned, it is only $50 - not much at all right? On the one hand, you say since it is such a small amount, he shouldn't be so concerned about loaning it to you. But to the same accord, you shouldn't be so concerned that he didn't, and yet you are. Why is that? Is there a reason why you feel so strongly you should have access to your boyfriend's money?

**Claret** · 09-07-2011 07:56 AM

I can understand this completely and now so should you. He has set a boundary and asks that you not cross it. Just because he appears to be able to have the available $ to lend to you doesn't mean he should. You've been dating for 4 months, and seriously he doesn't owe you any financial responsibility. I think you know where you stand.

Do you know of his other responsibilities? Does he have his own rent to pay, car payment, credit card bills, tuition, food, gas, heat etc. that would limit his own available cash? I think your perception of his financial security may be slightly skewed.

What you might do at a later date, when you are both just chilling is to bring up this topic. Just ask him to help you understand his position and why but you must also tell him (and mean it) that you fully accept his position.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-07-2011 09:05 AM

It's not fair to assume you know someones financial situation enough to know that $50 is pocket change to them. I make decent money but $50 isn't pocket change to me, because I have other bills to pay and unexpected expenses.

He has told you of his past experience with getting financially involved with a partner too soon, and you should respect that. At 4 months into a relationship, there is little trust established, you barely know each other...I can understand not wanting to get financially involved. I know if I were him, I wouldn't want to. Because then, what happens next time when you're $200 short and need a loan?

It's easy to say you'd do the same for him in return, that you'd loan him $500 a month, but it's only easy to say that because you know it's not a possibility. I've seen friends get taken to the "cleaners" by a guy whom they let borrow money. I respect him for sticking to his guns about this. It is not his job as new boyfriend to be your Loan Officer when you're short for money.

It's hard in college when money is tight. But utiliize your resources before asking for loans. You could also pick up a part time job. If you want a boyfriend who freely loands you money when you need it, it sounds like you're not with the right guy.

**LanaBear** · 09-07-2011 10:57 AM

Pretty much agree with all of the above...

I cannot fault him for not loaning you the money. Personally, I don't care who somebody is, I don't loan money to ANYBODY, regardless of the amount. The old saying, burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice, shame on me. Been there, done that, it will never happen again.

I don't think you can hold this against him. As BD said, it is easy in the moment, to say you would have no issues loaning him money, however, if you haven't had his past experiences, you cannot compare this equally. Respect him for being able to tell you know and if it is that important, ask your family.

**Seeker_Advice** · 09-08-2011 12:57 PM

NO offense to everybody, but $50.00 for 24 hours? Really?

What's the big deal? If he has it I don't understand...

I do think you need to get over it. Continuing to allow it to bother you is as ridiculous as him not loaning you the money.

The theory that he's probably been burned before, once or twice, sounds good...now apply that same theory to all of us who have been heartbroken...should we never date again?

It's not fair to compare his current GF to others that may have burned him in the past. He obviously needs to get over getting burned, if that ever happened to him - IMO.

**KMonte85** · 09-08-2011 01:35 PM

Originally Posted by Seeker_Advice

The theory that he's probably been burned before, once or twice, sounds good...now apply that same theory to all of us who have been heartbroken...should we never date again?

Of course one should date again, but should that person have to make the same mistakes over and over again that were made in that failed relationship? Or could they take what they learned from the first heartbreak and apply it to the next relationship to make it that much better?

The man can do what he chooses with his money. It may be silly to deny loaning $50 to your girlfriend for a day, but it is far worse for her to be so salty about it, like she's entitled to his money when she wants because she's dated him for a few months.

Originally Posted by Seeker_Advice

NO offense to everybody, but $50.00 for 24 hours? Really?

You don't know his finacial situation. Maybe he had to make payment on his credit card bills he's swimming in the day she asked. Perhaps if he's in debt 10's of thousands of dollars from loaning money to his ex as the OP stated, $50 could be quite substancial. Just because $50 is neither here no there to you, doesn't mean the situation is the same for every one else.

**stressed** · 09-08-2011 05:07 PM

I agree with most posters.

You don't say why you wanted the money and I wonder if he didn't agree with your plans on spending it or if you didn't tell him at all (I'd guess the first is more likely). Secondly, since you're good with money and saving I'd expect you to have the $50 available and not expect him to pay. Thirdly, it's not a very good idea to lend money to people close to you because you end up never getting it back in many cases, as mentioned above.

Also, I think he was correct, you should have asked your parents first, because if they'd hear he gave you money they could take it the wrong way, it's a very delicate matter 4 months in and with your age difference.

Finally, there's no reason to start thinking about "the future" already. Don't judge his behavior on a single occasion and don't rush things. I'm 27 and $50 isn't pocket money either. These days the more money people save the safer they feel. We just don't know how things will be tomorrow.

**Little** · 09-08-2011 05:20 PM

Many people have heard the advice given over and over, "NEVER lend family and friends money." It only takes one bad experience to make it painfully true.
If your finances are not otherwise tied together, it's not advisable to lend money. I agree with those who have mentioned that 4 months is not particularly long to be in a relationship.
$50 is often make-it-or-break-it money in my bank account. Even one day's delay can cause issues, although I budget carefully (and maybe BECAUSE I budget carefully.)

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-08-2011 11:55 PM

Imagine if you will.

He is a relatively mature man, given that he is 30 and he is an ex-banker.

Do you have any idea exactly what they deal with and see on a day to day basis? He knows how people get into debt and can't get out of it... So I think he "respects" this growing relationship and doesn't want money to get in the way of it's growth, therefore, as everyone is stating has placed boundries...

It doesn't matter if you said you would give it back the next day, what if you couldn't? Then the trust is gone.. He doesn't want to go down that path and that is his priogrative really.

I wouldn't be upset, I understand your thought pattern but you are going out with someone alot older than you, you need to understand their thought pattern, maturity is different in as much as the way we think.

CW