How to drop out of friend's wedding as maid of honor?

**asiangrace** · 09-16-2011 01:31 PM

I have a friend who is getting married next year. She lives about 1300 miles away. It has always been assumed that I would be her maid of honor, she's like a little sister to me. When she did set a date for the wedding, she confirmed I would be her maid of honor and at the moment in time, I felt excited. However, the excitement is wearing off quickly. First of all, I have not felt as close to her lately. When we talk, it's 99% about her. Our conversations consist of drugs, sex, alcohol, and her fiance - (or whatever man she has in her life at that moment in time). Four things I have nothing in common with. Anything I tell her, whether it be exciting or negative, she replies with a generic, one word response. Either, "Sweet!" or "aw, I'm sorry." There is nothing genuine in our conversation anymore. Also, her fiance talks to me so disrespectfully. I have never been spoken to with such disrespect by a friend's boyfriend/fiance. For example, the other day he texts me out of the blue and goes, "so you and my fiance being es together, I see" First of all, I think calling your fiance a '' is not right and also calling his fiance's best friend a ? Apparently she had been pmsing and moody, so he was frustrated and decided to text me and call me a too. I won't go in to the other examples, but that's pretty much how he talks to me during every interaction (I have not met him in person yet, nor do I want to) Also, her wedding is out of town and as a maid of honor, I would have to front a lot of money for a parties, showers, travel fees, dress, etc... Am I justified to not be in her wedding or at least not be maid of honor? She's sooo excited about me being her maid of honor that I hate to hurt her feelings. I care deeply for her as a friend still, but we just keep having less and less in common.

**asiangrace** · 09-16-2011 01:33 PM

Also, they have had nothing but problem after problem. From what I can see, it is just not a happy or healthy relationship. He's a liar, manipulative, disrespectful, and has been fired from two jobs in the last couple of months for, what he says, "no reason at all." I can't see myself making a speech about how wonderful they are together...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-16-2011 03:27 PM

asiangrace, all the reasons you are giving, is because either she has changed, or you have changed and she hasn't and you aren't as compatible with her anymore.

Then there is, the friendship, you remember and so the feeling that this is not right and you don't like his infulence on her and his mannerism, or the desire for him to befriend you.

And, then there are finances.

Is this girl someone you feel that you will be friends for life with? Or, do you feel that the changes people make in life, which often does push away a friendship, maybe the end of this friendship as it was..and a less distant one for the future.

I think that will hold your answer.

**BabyGirl** · 09-17-2011 07:34 AM

Whatever you decide, you need to decide it quickly. So she is not left in the cold believing you will be Her MOH.

Firstly, if she hasn't formally asked you yet. That is a plus on your side.
If she does Ask you, you can tell her you are Honored but just cannot see it as Feasible.

Reasons Below.

Explain You live too far away to do the " Job " properly.

Send her the List of Responsibilities or the Average Maid of Honor .

Maid of Honor Duties
As the Maid of Honor or Matron of Honor, you have one of the most important roles in making sure the bride's and groom's wedding is a success. Many times the groom will not help out as much as the bride would like which is why your role is so important! Below we have listed some of the top maid of honor duties to make the process more manageable and creative:

Pre Wedding

Help in going with the bride to look at different locations for the wedding. Many times the Bride needs help in choosing where to have the ceremony and party besides what day and time to have the wedding. Ask if you can participate in this process since it can be a very stressful.

Help the bride choose her wedding invitations as well as possibly address the invitations if she needs your support. Many times a bride may outsource her invitations but if they need to be addressed by the family, your help will be key in reducing the load of tasks to complete.

If the bride needs help in ordering and choosing decorations and favors, your opinions may be helpful in making decisions for narrowing down choices and making sure the decorations are in on time for the wedding, shower and bachelorette parties.

Go with the bride when she is shopping for her wedding dress as well as the Bridesmaid Dresses. It is very important to help make sure the dresses are ordered and arrive in enough time for alterations! It is helpful for you to attend the multiple fittings in giving your friend some feedback in how the dress looks and fits.

Many times the groom does not want to go to register with his bride-to-be. You can be very supportive by going with your friend to register for her wedding gifts as well as letting other guests know where the bride and groom are registered. This is a very fun experience so take part in the choosing if she needs help.

Help the bride in the seating arrangement. This can be a very difficult process with the more people coming to the wedding. Many times it makes it easier to draw out the tables and move people around until you have a close to perfect fit. Note: It is very helpful to bring this drawing to the wedding just in case there are any mix-ups, you will save the day!

Host and Plan the Bridal Shower as well as the Bachelorette Party! You should also attend both the bridal shower and bachelorette party as it is an honor for you to be there and hurtful if you cannot attend unless you have good reason.

Help keep order and organization with the other bridesmaids.

Attend and help out during the rehearsal dinner. Many times the bride, groom and their families are pre-occupied and forget about things which is where you can save the day by being organized.

Field messages for the bride and her family to make sure you are up on any changes (especially if they are last minute changes that affect the other guests).

Attend all bridal fairs with the bride as well as cake and catering tasting.

Plan the bridal shower games for the bridal shower.

This is all Before the Actual Wedding Day.

So I would just tell her she really needs someone Close enough in her Area to assist her, You will not be offended that she has someone else as MOH, and you could accept a Brides Maids Honor, if needed. But that also could be a problem, due to the Distance, ( trying on dresses and Receptions and Rehearsals. ).
So you would be Happy just being a Guest and sit on Her Side of the Aisle.

**jns** · 09-17-2011 08:00 AM

ag, it sounds like you believe she is headed down the wrong path. Have you tried to talk to her about this? Typically a person would hang up angry after such a conversation. Or, if she was waiting for someone to tell her what she must do, would actually listen. If you have that conversation, your breaking the maid of honor obligation would be easier. Do you want to honor her doing something you think is foolish? If the marriage breaks apart in a short while, she will come back to you as a friend as long as you don't insult her too much. You don't have to honor something you think is wrong. I would consider not going to the wedding altogether. You could send a gift.

**Seeker_Advice** · 09-19-2011 10:21 AM

AG

Be short, be sweet, be direct, be done (with it).

The longer you wait the more difficult it's going to be to remove yourself from the Maid of Honor role and the harder it's going to be for your "friend" to find another.

**jns** · 10-24-2011 02:41 PM

grace, has this been resolved?

**asiangrace** · 12-05-2011 08:32 AM

Originally Posted by jns

grace, has this been resolved?

Yes, it has been resolved. Not with the outcome I had hoped for, but it was what I expected. She always had been like a little sister to me, so it breaks my heart to see her living like this and making the choices she has. A few other things happened that led it to the "breaking point" I sat down and wrote her a letter about how much I love her and how I care about her as a sister, but that her choices are bad, and that her fiance is not bringing out the best in her. I said it in a gentle, and loving way but also firmly. I told her I was really concerned for her well-being. If I was self-destructing, I would want someone to reach out to me and tell me the truth.That's the thing, no one's ever told her the truth in a loving way. Anyway, I didn't mention the maid of honor part because I didn't want to add salt to the wound, I figured however she took the letter, would be indication on how to proceed with the maid of honor thing.

So far she's completely ignored the email, completely ignored my text, ignored me saying I'm coming to visit (she lives in Tucson) and we can talk more if she doesn't hate me, deleted me from Facebook (which I know Facebook isn't "real life" but she's one who, if she deletes you, means she hates you).

So, I guess I have my answer now! It hurts losing a friend when you've been friends for SO LONG but also it has been a one-way friendship for many years since all of her drama. It was becoming exhausting to the point I started resenting her.

Maybe I didn't do the right thing about writing a letter, but I guess I just know that's what I would want someone to do for me (in a loving way, not pointing fingers and judging and telling me I'm ruining my life or that I'm stupid - which is all she's ever gotten from other people).