He doesn't trust me & I don't know what to do

**SomiticPit** · 10-01-2011 05:15 PM

My boyfriend has been displaying trust issues with me lately, and I'm not sure why all of a sudden.

I know that a year ago when we began dating, I wasn't trying to get tied down. I was seeing a couple of different guys at the time when we began talking. I didn't quit talking to them when we began a relationship because I wasn't exactly looking for a relationship, so the line of "us being together" was kind of faded. It wasn't until one night when I had another guy at my house that my now boyfriend got upset. A day or two later we had a serious conversation that ended in an ultimatum. He told me either I was going to be with him, committed, or we weren't going to continue seeing each other. So, I chose him.

Ever since that day I have not done anything with anybody outside of our relationship. I have been completely honest about that, totally committed and loyal.

Here recently he has been acting like I am out doing things that I shouldn't be. There was a whole week where I had errands to run after work. After a few days of that he started asking in a very accusatory way why I was coming home late day after day...I told him the honest truth about everything.

Then, yesterday I went shopping after work for three hours. When I called him afterward to see if he wanted to take lunch with me, he acted like me shopping for three hours was weird. But I knew he was at work and not waiting for me at home, I hadn't done anything all week long, and so I treated myself to some shopping.

Then today he woke up in a completely terrible mood. I had spent all morning cleaning. When he went to get dressed, he started griping about his clothes not being put away right. I'm the one who does all the laundry, so he was upset with the way I did it. It made me feel so unappreciated because I had spent all morning cleaning and all he could do was gripe about his clothes that I keep clean. So when it came tiime to go watch the football game at his brothers, I didn't want to go. I felt unappreciated and mad at him for acting like I had done something wrong when all I was doing was trying to make his life easier...I told him I didn't want to go and he got mad at that too. When he asked what I was going to do all night then, I told him the truth, "Probably watch tv"

And he responded with "Yeah right!" he acted like I was about to go out and do something. I live in a town where I know nobody except for him, and I'm 7 months pregnant...where on earth is he getting this idea? I don't hide my phone from him I don't do anything suspicious...

I went through his phone this morning, and checked all of his facebook messages. I found out that at about the same time we started seeing one another, he was talking to another girl too, calling her "baby" and telling her he loved her. I will say he doesn't talk to her anymore, but he can't hold everything I did at the beginning of our relationship against me when he was doing the same thing! As soon as our relationship was set in stone, I was totally committed.

How do I respond to this behavior?

**jns** · 10-01-2011 07:01 PM

Every time you go shopping, insist as much as you can that he go with you. I hate shopping and most guys do, too. I hate it because we always go to a place with women's clothes. Everything I pick out my wife dislikes (nothing wild, she doesn't go for wild). Further, there are usually hard floors under a thin carpet that make my calves, ankles and feet hurt. There is never any place to sit down. Maybe he is different, but that is what would cure me of questioning shopping trips.

I think he is afraid of not being a kid and having to grow up to be a man. So he is acting like a child.

**SomiticPit** · 10-01-2011 08:55 PM

What makes the situation worse is that I will come right out and ask him, "What? Do you think I am cheating on you?" I hate beating around the bush, and I hate mind games that leave you feeling confused. His reply to that is, "Sounds like a guilty conscious to me..." No, it doesn't. A guilty conscious wouldn't be so direct. A guilty conscious would feel paranoid, blaming the other for what they themselves are doing. What the heck else am I supposed to think when I am being interrogated to no end?

**BabyGirl** · 10-01-2011 09:27 PM

Sounds like " Day Did it " Jitters,

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-03-2011 07:29 AM

Be very careful with this. Men with underlying control issues often start displaying this behavior upon having a child. All of a sudden you're not just their partner, but you're carrying THEIR baby. And for men with control issues, this causes feelings of intense possession.

Like you said, you're 7 months pregnant, what does he really think you're going to be out doing? His jealousy is irrational and a sign of lack of respect and control. Nip this in the bud quick or I'm afraid it will get out of hand.

**Seeker_Advice** · 10-03-2011 08:15 AM

Often times those that are guilty of doing wrongs accuse others of doing wrong...Could be a sign.

Sounds like he needs to grow up a lot too. I'd stop doing his laundry and anything else that you don't do around the house together. Am I missing something...this is suppose to be a partnership, correct? While partnerships are never 50 - 50, there is constant give and take. He seems pretty good at taking... by expecting you to do certain things for him (laundry, as an example).

While I don't condone his behavior...at all...keep in mind that he's gowing through quite a bit with the pregnancy too. Perhaps the reality of finally having to grow up and be a father and partner has hit him with a nice dose of reality (which scares a lot of boys/men).

Congratulations on your upcoming bundle of joy!

**SomiticPit** · 10-03-2011 06:25 PM

Originally Posted by Seeker_Advice

Often times those that are guilty of doing wrongs accuse others of doing wrong...Could be a sign.

You know, I had that same thought. That's why I decided to check his phone. That night, after going to his brothers to watch the game he went out. He invited me to go before he even left, but because of his attitude about the clothes, I said no, that's fine. You can go out. When I woke up at 2am and he still wasn't home, I checked my phone. That's when I started to get angry because he had not left me one message or voicemail letting me know where he was or what he was doing. When I called him and asked "Where are you?" He got extremely mad and said, "I told you I was going out!" And I responded with, "I know that and I'm fine with that, It just would've been nice for you to have let me know what your doing, who you're with." And he made it sound like because I refused to go in the first place, that he didn't think he had to give me every detail. I knew he was going out, like that's all that mattered. But if the shoe were on the other foot, and he knew I was going out, he would still expect to know where I was and who I was with.

He hung up on me and I hadn't even raised my voice. Wasn't even accusing him of anything. I just ask, "Where are you?"

You best believe that we got into a HUGE fight that night. When I told him not to talk to me until he could act right, and that his pillow would be on the couch, He came home, ripped the pillow out from under my head and began yelling at me to go sleep on the couch, saying I should never have texted him that. It's okay for him to get mad and hang up on me when I was just doing what ANY girlfriend would do, but it's not okay for me to respond to it, even if my text was rude, I was pushed to the limit and let my anger get ahold of me.

Now I am trying to decide if I should move out or not. It's hard seeing as how I am 7 months pregnant and not really in a financially stable place. (I could afford it, but I'd like to have more money so I don't get too close to the edge...) Doesn't make matters any better that if I move out, I will be on my own...it scares me cause this is my first child...

But about the trust issues: When my dad called me yesterday, he got mad that I was talking on the phone and demanded me to hand my phone over so he could go through my texts. I got off the phone with my dad, and low and behold, he didn't find any text messages to ANY other guy. He did find texts between me and his mother and me and my best friend, and then got mad that I was "talking trash" (to put it nicely) about him...so now my feelings and what I have to say is "talking trash". The text message he got mad about was of me telling my best friend that "I do better when I don't have a man dragging me down..." is that really all that much trash talk when it's coming from someone who's angry at their boyfriend? I don't think so. I could've said way more hateful and nasty things than that, believe me!

UGHH!! I'm sorry, I'm soooooo mad right now about this situation. Thanks in advance if you even read it this far.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-04-2011 06:49 AM

Again... I get the impression that this man is extremely controlling, immature, aggressive, and borders on being abusive. Demanding you get off the phone so he can check your text messages? I mean, come on....what if you were reading this and someone else had written it? What would you say to them?

**SomiticPit** · 10-04-2011 05:20 PM

I would be sitting here telling the poor girl to leave the guy! But it's different when you are the one in the relationship. How? Why? Because you are the one who is emotionally invested, who has sacrificed so much to be with the guy...So why complain right? Ha!! Because I have no where else to turn to. I don't know why I waste my time if I am going to turn around and stay with him, why complain when I put myself in this position. I guess because deep down, I DO want it to get better, and because no matter how hard I try, it never seems to get better. So thats when I start complaining because I feel helpless about everything. I know I can't change him, so I am constantly trying to change myself...well, not CHANGE myself for him, but work on my part in the relationship, like my reactions, or my point of view, or trying to better myself so that it benefits US and our relationship, but he doesn't even feel like I am trying. He doesn't see me working on these things because it's a thought process that turns into an action that goes unnoticed. And he says he is trying hard in the relationship too, but how? Maybe I am blind to the things he supposedly works on and maybe I don't appreciate him enough.

Thats what he says his main problem in our relaitonship is that he feels unappreciated. So....what do I do to make him feel more appreciated?

**Little** · 10-04-2011 05:39 PM

It's time to start looking back at everything you've written about this relationship, just in the last two months since you've been back on WH. It's one thing after another.

Another thing I'll ask you to do is find out as much as you can about his relationship with his first baby's momma. Why did they split up? What is their parental relationship like today? Does he see his son? Does he pay child support?

This is going nowhere good. I'm a reformed cheater. My first tell is accusing my partner of cheating. Also popular are fighting with my partner, glossing over details, withholding information, and cleverly deleting information trails. Not the whole inbox, not every text message - just the inflammatory ones. Able cheaters are clever. Maybe he's not cheating, and maybe he's not even thinking about it, but darn if he doesn't just fill the stereotype!

Obviously, my advice is to leave. But if he doesn't give child support to his first child, don't expect it for yours. There are ways to dodge support payments for YEARS without much penalty. Expect your son to have the same relationship with his father as his half-brother does.

Let him feel appreciated on his own. What does he do that you could possibly appreciate? Unless you like 3D TVs, smartphones, and selfishness.