Super sorry its so long...i really need to vent to someone

When i was 12 i started to believe my father was having an affair with my moms best friend, Paula. Being that me and Paula's daughter where best friends and i live at their house all summer i was 99% sure. i told my mom but she wouldnt believe me and then me and my father started to fight over everything and anything. People often tell me that they never saw a little girl who loved her daddy as much as i did. We did everything together and he was a stay at home father. He ment the word the me but wouldnt accept that fact that his little girl was growing up. When I was 16 my mother told me one day we were just going to up and leave him. He, at this time, was living in the trailer in our back yrd with his girlfriend. He told my mom that Paula had lost her house and have no where to go and claimed that they were best friends. We were forbidden to go in the trailer. My mother didnt want to face what was going on. (they had been together 19 yrs) On Dec 3 2001 my father flipped out and held my mom,me, my boyfriend, 2 friends and 2 polise officers hostage in our house for 4 hrs. He said he was going to burn the house down with us in it. When the cops got him and me and my mother went into the trailer he was stock pileing months of food even know we were struggling to make ends meet. He was also doing alot of drugs. My mother told me after the incident that she caught the two of them together and my father chocked her until she blacked out thats why she said we would leave him. He only ended up doind 1 month in jail. i had 4 yrs of theripy and tried to talk to him. We were writting back and forth but then he threated suicide if i stopped writting him so i stopped talking to him cause i dont need that drama. 2 yrs ago i saw him at my grandmas (she is very sick) he hugged me and told me how great it was to see me. The whole family was excited to see us talk. i told him we could try to rebuild our relashionship. I havent heard from him since, until last week. My boyfriends mother ran into him at the bar and mensioned i was dating her son. He gave her this sob story about wanting to be in my life and has since then started writting again....
Am i a bad person for not trusting him? I dont want to hurt again but then some nights i cry and miss him. I dont know what to do and it is tearing me apart inside. Please anyone??

He11 naw you're not a "bad person" for not trusting him!

D***!

He should apologizing to YOU for all these years of doing the things he did!

Now, I want to know how did he get 1 month in jail for holding, what, 7 people hostage, including 2 police officers??????

Anyway, you have every right NOT to trust him. He's cheated on your mother, but what's worse, you the child, was put in the middle of it all!
He had the unmitigated gall to live in a trailer in your backyard with his concubine -- the backyard! So that means you and your mom were in the house while he had his side-woman in the backyard! That's sick!

If you're willing to rebuild with your dad, you need to take things slow.
He has to respect your wishes and EARN your trust. He's more than broken it.
It will take time for you to trust him again...if you ever do.

Take all things one step at a time.

For reals girlie.. its not ur fault that your father made decisons that ultimatley drove your family in a postion that their currently in.. i think u need to take your time and think things through.. i do believe u shud forgive him for u.. for peace so that ur heart wont be troubled.. but forgiving is one thing.. and letting him whalts bak into your life again is another.. ur human and so much shouldnt be expected of you.. but you are doing so well to open up... GO YOU.. thats amazing despite all that you have gone through u are talking about it.. and thats wonderful despite all of the bad things u have experianced i believe goodness never dies it jus has a way of coming out of lifes.. harsh circumstances

it is definitely not your fault. I agree that you should try to forgive him but stop and think about it first. Have limits with him too, he has to know that he cannot just walls in and out of your life just like that. I do think he deserves a chance of forgivess though but if it happenes again think twice before forgiving him.