Is it worth staying

**JGS** · 10-05-2011 01:39 PM

Hi! I have read through some posts and think that there is some awesome advise givin, so here goes my post.

You got to love technology. Cell phones, facebook, emails etc. We both have cell phones. He goes through mine all the time but he has a lock on his. He does not know but I know the pattern to get into his phone. Also, he is on my phone plan, so i see the phone numbers he texts and calls.

We broke up a year ago because he found an old girlfriend on facebook and started talking to the point that there was a relationship going on. I confronted him at the beginning and he denied it but it got so bad I ended it and moved out. couple months later we got back together and he deactivated his facebook (not on my request) and moved in with me. A couple months he reactivated facebook and started chating with another x of his with the whole "wonder were we would be" conversations through texts and FB. He did not know that I could see all the times of phone calls and texts to her number and I finally printed it out and gave it to him with a letter stating that I did not feel we could be together anymore. I did not like the person I was becoming and always "checking up" on him and having my heart sink. He stopped and deactivated his FB. I thought we were finally getting a good run at the relationship for 7 months until he started checking my phone daily and it brought up a red flag, and I checked his one morning.

His FB is reopened. He started chatting with another woman but only on FB. "wonder were we could be" conversations with "you are a beautiful woman". I confronted him, he accused me of being a FB stalker (which I would rather him think then to change his pattern, I am not even on FB). He did end the conversations with this last one (because now I was "checking up on him daily) and I also found out that he started registering onto paying porn sites.

I am sick to my stomach. I dated a guy that was addicted to porn and he then became a sex addict and it lead to cheating.

Not sure here. Any thoughts?

**LanaBear** · 10-05-2011 01:56 PM

3 strikes and he's out... Heck, you've given him MORE than 3 strikes (which is very generous anyways). You said it yourself, you don't like the person you have become. HIS behavior has led to this person that you have become, apparently with good reason.

You ended it once, almost did it again. You can end it permanently this time. He is not seeing any repercussions for his actions because you come back or you don't follow through. Save yourself the future heart ache and walk away. Find a man who can be faithful and become the woman you once were again, the one that can trust in your man and your relationship.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, three times or more, shame shame shame on me. You don't deserve that.

However, since you have stuck around, what keeps you there? Why are you coming back to him and repeatedly giving in to him?

Welcome to the forum, BTW!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-05-2011 02:30 PM

Hun, the moment someone because a cheat (de-activating, now she won't know, activating), they become a lier as well and relationships are built on TRUST, this is someone you can't trust, he's a manipulator of women, seeing how many he can score, whilst living the luxury of someone cooking and making his bed..

You already know the answer..

You deserve better..

**KMonte85** · 10-05-2011 02:50 PM

He's a jerk, and to add insult to injury, he's turning you into a person you don't want to be.

How much more proof do you need that this guy is going to do whatever he can to be unfaithful to you? Every time you let your guard down even a little bit, he's back at it again. A man who truly loves his girlfriend would not behave this way. At this point, it is fairly obvious that you are merely a convenience to him until he finds some other girl (and he's actively looking).

You had it right when you broke up with him a year ago. It is time to do it again, this time for good.

**JGS** · 10-05-2011 06:45 PM

3 for 3 on my thoughts as well. I am not a rich person, I barely make it paycheck to paycheck. I was very lucky when I moved out on him the first time. I don't have that luck now. Where I live, if someone lives in your apartment, they need to be on the lease (even your kids) so he is now living here and on the lease. I moved to this state for him so the support I am use to is not here. I have friends from work, but not the kind of support where you and your kid can move in till you save the funds to get out. He won't leave, this I know. Any ideas? I even looked at the SAD SAD welfare way out, but I make too much. I feel almost stuck. We can break up but that is hard when you live together. He asks me daily what is wrong. I look at him with dislike. There has to be better out there - heck, alone would be better. But as I said before I almost feel stuck. Any ideas?

**Seeker_Advice** · 10-06-2011 12:51 PM

Yeah, LOTS of them...How much time do you have? Think outside the box. Based on a previous statement or two, I'm not sure if you have a child or children or not. Please clarify. Regardless, there are all sorts of creative ways to find safe quiet living arrangements so you don't have to feel 'stuck' in your current situation. They may not be the 'fairy tale' best but they could be a nice start.

Examples:

- Through a church. Do you currently attend one? If yes, then ask your senior pastor or similar person for help. If not, visit one, two or three of them by making appointments to meet with a pastor or a member of their staff - shoot straight with them - tell them during that first visit that you need their help. Churches and all places of worship for that matter, are in the 'business' of helping others. Most of us are just too darn proud to ask. So ASK.

- Have any groups or organizations in town, either for profit or non - profit that are in the business of helping seniors? They probably know of a client or two who would be willing/love to have a housemate in exchange for help with around their home. Many seniors want to remain in their homes, keep their dignity, etc. and their own children are out of state, too far away or plain don't care. I'm not suggesting you become their 'free labor', I'm thinking more like light house work, perhaps some laundry, a home cooked meal one or twice each week. You have your life and they have theirs. Mow the lawn, snow blow the driveway if you are able, etc.

- Place a small ad in the 'Seniors Only' newspaper that you find in every coffee shop and grocery store...at least you do around here. Believe it or not, those things get picked up and read by the target audience - Seniors and you may find a house to share through there.

- There are many other agencies in towns that are in business to help people. Perhaps you could connect with one of those.

- Large employers in your area? They are always moving employees in and out, frequently on short notice too. It's an awful time to sell your home, perhaps you could house sit until it sells or for a minimum of six months rent free in return for keeping it up, clean and looking 'lived in'. Houses that are currently being lived in sell far better and faster then empty boxes. Find out who the big shot realtor is in your community and have coffee with them. If you have to move two or three times, who cares? As long as you have a cell phone and PO box what else do you need - rent free is rent free!! Yippee!

Think outside of the box and you'd be amazed what you can discover/uncover when you do a little digging.

Good luck with your search. Remember... "Luck is where preparation meets opportunity"

YOU deserve better!

I was married to a cheater who cheated on me three times that I know about. Just like cockroaches...for everyone that you see, there are several more that you don't. I finally divorced her after the third cheat (whom she married).

**BabyGirl** · 10-06-2011 06:21 PM

Where I live, if someone lives in your apartment, they need to be on the lease (even your kids) so he is now living here and on the lease. I moved to this state for him so the support I am use to is not here. I have friends from work, but not the kind of support where you and your kid can move in till you save the funds to get out. He won't leave, this I know.

Having been a Manager of Apartments for 10 years ( prior to this Job ), there are other ways to get him off the lease.
Not that he is ( yet, and hopefully won't be ) but if he is Violent in any way, even Verbally, throwing things or yelling, disturbing the neighbors, anything that goes against your lease or rental agreement.

You can notify the management that He is breaking the rules and you wish no part of being evicted for his behavior.
If you have been a good tenant prior to his move in, you have a leg to stand on, with management, They want Good tenants and will try to keep good tenants.

If he even Once, threatens you or frightens you, is Violent in any way that scares you or your child at all .. You can always file for a Protection order. This is a Temporary order until and if it goes to court for a hearing.

But during the wait time for the Court, he will not be allowed near you, call you, contact you. That is when you can have the Landlord put a Restraining order against him coming on the property, and they will help you change the locks ( for your Safety ).

Even if the Court does not uphold at least a 1 year protection/ restraining order. He will have already be notified by your Landlord that he may not reside or Visit on the property.

With this action, you will have your place to yourself again and can go on from there. You can get another roommate to help with bills, hopefully a woman that may need a place to share and has a kid also. But Screen them good and also, your landlord will of course screen them too.

On the other stuff, You can and do have the right to tell him not to touch your phone, not to breach your Privacy and to shut off his phone, since it's on your plan.

You need to stand up, tell him the Rules, tell him what you Will and Will Not allow in YOUR HOME & Your Child's Home and explain that he moved into YOUR home and he can move out anytime he feels he cannot follow the rules.

Write out a Contract of allowed behavior and have him sign it. Be thorough, just like a real rental contract.. ( Trust me most people do not read these, they just sign and are so happy to get a place ). Make him Read it, Understand it and Abide by it. And have 2 witnesses to his signature or sign it in front of a Notary (banks usually have that service for Free for their Customers.

Personally I'd give him a 10 day Notice, then a 3 Day ( if not complying on the issue) the Boot him out Legally, if he refuses to comply at all .

**Seniora** · 10-07-2011 09:29 AM

This guy seems to be a typical Narcissist predator - the "somatic" narcissist who is interested in porn, having lots of affairs. If you read up about Narcissism (and it's hugely on the increase) you'll see this guy fits the bill. Can I recommend "The Malignant Narcissist" by Sam Vaknin, available on the internet. Your man is the Somatic narcissist - and they're always on the lookout for "supply", i.e. people to adore them and reflect back to them how wonderful they are. Also, the fact he accuses YOU of doing what he does is Narcissism 101 - they "project" all their bad habits and characteristics onto others, thereby removing their own bad feelings. Read that article, please! This guy is a 'jerk' and he cares not at all about you. One of the things I found sobering when reading about Narcissists is "you might as well be in love with your television set". Yes.

Two terms regularly used which betray a typical Narcissist: "drama Queen" and "jerk"!!

**JGS** · 10-07-2011 10:32 AM

Thank you all! I will read up on Narcissism. Yes I have one child (mine not his) who is 16 and I do not want him thinking it is ok to be like the BF. Based off of the information given about getting him off the lease, I believe that would not be an issue

Thanks so much!

**Hopeless Dork** · 10-08-2011 10:56 AM

Personally, I don't think its worth staying. Normally I am not one of those 'throw in the towel' people... but hon, how many times is going to tell you 'this time i really mean it' and you believe it all over again only to be kicked in the gut a few months down the road. Everyone makes mistakes... but when those mistakes don't help a person grow, when those mistakes become a predictable pattern... then its obvious to me that they are no longer 'mistakes' they are choices, choices a person continues to make regardless of consequence. When that happens either they are not afraid to lose what they have or are powerless over an addiction and whichever the case, its no longer about you... yet you're the one thats left to suffer.

To me it sounds like he likes you, may even love you or at least 'think' he loves you, but it doesn't sound like he's at peace with himself to be in a relationship. He is still seeking. Whether its just validation or grass is greener mentality... he is not content. And you will not be content waiting for the other shoe to drop, picking up the peices only to have it thrown at you later.

He has no fear of losing you because everytime he does, he can go off do his thing, come back and tell you he's sorry and you eventually cave back in. He knows you love him enough to try to work it out -- unfortunately he may not be worthy of that sort of unconditional emotion, he's taking it for granted that you will always be there if his attempts to fly the coop leave him crashed to the ground.

Even if you can't bring yourself to leave him physically (i know its hard, girl, I do.) its time to start distancing yourself emotionally until you can find that strength. To keep your eyes open when out and about, to realize how many men there are out there that can treat you better. Start feeling good about yourself. Join a gym, get your hair done, go shopping, allow yourself to shine, spend time with your friends and family and focus on the life you have outside of him, it wil at the very least make you a happier person.