I Cheated.

**sleepless** · 10-10-2011 03:42 AM

I cheated on my boyfriend with his best friend. I have been keeping it a secret for two months but the guilt is so bad I can't sleep and I cry every night. The back-story to this is that my boyfriend of 4 years and I were going through a rough patch. Some things were said between us and I felt like scum of the earth because of him. Then before we could really fix things he left for Europe for a couple of months. During his absence his best friend came and visited the town I live in so I let him stay with me. I didn't think anything of it. I had no feelings towards his best friend whatsoever. But I was vulnerable, lonely, and I thought things were going to end between me and my boyfriend. So I let temptation get the best of me and I ended up cheating on my boyfriend with his best friend. At first I tried to justify my actions, but of course what I did was wrong and I just don't know what to do anymore. I love my boyfriend and I regret everything. I wish it never happened. I hate his best friend for tempting me in the first place, but in the end it was equally my fault. I want to tell my boyfriend, but I don't want him to leave me

I don't want to ruin what we have. I know it's already ruined, and it's all my fault. I'm a terrible human being and I hate myself and it's really starting to effect my everyday life. Even if I tell him, I will never forgive myself. But there's no way I can keep this a secret forever. It's killing me inside. He deserves to know the truth. He deserves better than me, but I feel like I learned my lesson and I honestly would never cheat ever EVER again. I don't want to lose him. I truly love my boyfriend. But once I tell him I know he will never look at me the same way ever again. And that will hurt more than anything in the world. What have I done.. I don't know what to do.

**Claret** · 10-10-2011 05:14 AM

Why would you want to hurt him if telling him would hurt him, if telling would ruin your relationship and possibly be the end of your relationship.

There are two schools of thought going through my head. 1. He's done nothing wrong so why should you be able to shift some of the blame onto his shoulders. I believe that what you'd be doing, (his fault for leaving and going to Europe, his fault for leaving when things were unstable and you didn't know where you stood in the relationship). You'd get to rid yourself of a bunch of guilt and weight off your shoulders by putting it on his.

This second vein of thought is for you to carry this knowledge with you and you alone. Accept your responsibility and guilt and use that knowledge to better your relationship with your boyfriend. Understand what led you to this, and what you need to do on your side to ensure that this wouldn't happen again.

I think you are beating yourself up (perhaps that is whats needed) but use it for constructive behaviours. The world isn't going to come to an end if you don't tell but i personnally feel that you don't need to hurt him twice, once in the doing and the second time with the telling.

I may be alone in feeling that way but if my spouse cheated on me and it was a one time thing, and I would never find out other than by him telling me, then I wouldn't want to know.

**ordun'girl** · 10-10-2011 05:35 AM

poor u,i really feel for u and i tell ya, no girl wants to be in ur shoes right now

though, it feels like the best decision to tell ur BF, but we both know that if u do that, there is a 90% possibility that he is going to kick u out of his life and a 10% assurance that he is gonna take u back but cos he is human, it will be hard for him to accept u fully into his life and the relationship might eventually crash

so if u decide to tell him eventually, all the best but u have suffered enough by having a guilty conscience and feeling rotten all day....

goodluck!

**BabyGirl** · 10-10-2011 10:13 AM

There is no simple solution here.
But there are different ways to think about this.

1) Were you still a couple when he left or were you " separated " ?

2) His Best Friend isn't really his Best friend, if he knew what he was doing would hurt his friend. But you have no right to hate that best friend, It was an Equal Decision.

3) Are you 100% sure that your Guy didn't have any relations with any women while gone ? Do you want to know if he did or are you fine " Starting Over " since he's been back ?

4) Forgive yourself and learn from that mistake, make it help you to be a better woman overall, not just his woman. I'm not saying don't forget what you did. But understand that everyone makes mistakes. It's whether you make them again that counts.

5) " What they Don't know can't hurt them " ? Sometimes that saying is so true.

Unless he is a very exceptional Man, he will probably not forgive you if you tell him. Then again , you say he made you feel like scum, before he left. Telling him will just re enforce that feeling. You will feel Scum, as you do now, but this time it is You making yourself feel that. And it will Validate ( to him ) whatever feelings and words he said before that had you feeling that way .

6) Start over with him, see if you two can make it work, without telling him. It is very possible that he has his own hidden Secrets from the time he was away .

**Little** · 10-11-2011 11:20 AM

Sigh, I wrote a lovely response but it got lost. Slightly shorter reply incoming.

I'm on Team Tell Him. He deserves to have an honest narrative of his relationship before he can REALLY make the decision to change and make it work. Currently he thinks that the relationship went one way - but really it went another. If cheating is a dealbreaker for him, and from your words I think it is, then he should be able to break up with you, not continue in a relationship that is built on a big lie. And in the event that he cheated on you too, he might 'fess up and put you on equal ground - hopefully ending a toxic relationship.

But you need to stop hating yourself. You did a bad thing. You hurt somebody ON PURPOSE out of vengeance. You need to dig deep and examine WHY you did that. Not "because he made me feel bad." There's more to it than that. I am well-acquainted with cheating out of vengeance. I did it for a long time, to a lot of guys, and I got away with it for a long time (and not always because I didn't get caught!) I did it because I felt small and out of control. The guys I was dating were emotionally unavailable and not physically present, so I struck back at them by defying their trust. Getting away with it over and over just made it worse. I had to take a hard look at myself and the kinds of guys I was dating and make big changes. Martyring myself to stay in relationships with men I was incompatible with wasn't doing anybody a favor.

Give your boyfriend the honest truth, answer his questions, and see what he wants to do with the relationship. Keep in mind that you have a decision to make too - you cheated on him for a reason, so do you REALLY want to stay with him? Stop beating yourself up and do some work on yourself too, regardless of the outcome of your relationship.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-11-2011 02:17 PM

You felt like scum on earth because of words spoken by him, to you and then he left and left you re-living that feeling for 8 weeks, without telling you he loves you, he's sorry for the words spoken, almost like teaching you a lesson.

I don't know how this "best friend" looked you up and asked to stay at your place, a female, alone, his best friends woman, sounds fishy doesn't it? I hassed at a guess that he planned to bed you down, that he really isn't your guys "best friend" rather envious of him and now haha, in his eyes, he did the deed...

It seems that his "best friend" has said nothing about this but don't discount at some stage that he might, that is probably what is tearing you up inside, what if? The what if's in life that can't be answered are the hardest to jump over.

I don't believe you did this out of lonliness or vulnerability persay, rather you felt, your boyfriends words/actions were wrong, how dare he, he kept you spinning around and around from his words and actions and it made you upset, feel useless, scum who cares attitude...In a way, he created the situation...

You were not even sure if he was coming back to you at that stage.

Yes, it takes two but I believe this "friends" intentions were clear and he knew what he was going to do. And, more than anything you wanted to be held again and told it's okay, didn't matter if it was another guy, to you it was the emotional feeling you needed, not the sex, just the feeling of not feeling like "scum" or not loved...That's a normal feeling and a hard place to be in, alone in a room with another man.

I think you have to ask yourself, who is this guy of 4 years that can treat you that way, go away for 2 months and enjoy himself, not make you feel loved? Ask yourself when it was that he decided to bring the relationship back together again after he left, if you deserved to be treated that way to start with, is it love or what you are used to....

Generally "real bonding, totality of love", you couldn't sleep with anyone else. Loving someone and being used to being with them but they hurt you, you can sleep with someone else, and regret it..

Does he deserve to know? Do you honestly believe that you will be with this guy for the rest of your life, he hangs onto every word you say, smiles when he sees you, can't wait to see you, you have loads in common, he pays for you for dinner just as much as you do, or buys something for you, just because...... If you are about to walk down the isle, I'd say yes, because relationships built on lies don't work...But, the fact that you slept with someone to start with there are questions hanging over this relationship that you need to delve more into and be honest with yourself instead of 4 years is a long time..Because for all you know he will call you scum again, or make you feel that one and one day, it will be enough that you will decide you deserve better anyway..

Look deeply and seriously at what you call "love"... You cheated more on yourself than on him, allowed his words to make you feel you were nothing anyway.

**Seniora** · 10-11-2011 02:36 PM

I agree with CW here! "Does he deserve to know?" Great point: why give somebody a stick to beat you with? You can only confide these things within the safety of a truly intimate and trusting relationship. I guess that sounds a little odd, because if it was that you wouldn't cheat, right? Not necessarily. We are all human, after all, and I've been there myself. I told my husband about it and he has accepted it - in fact, it brought us much closer together. But that was because we already had a good relationship when you got right down to it. I just fall in love all the time - it's in my DNA, and I was like that in my early 20's when desperately in love with the love of my life. I can remember the man I used to talk to in the advertising agency where I worked, how handsome he was and how infatuated I was - back then, when I was engaged to an Adonis!! I've only come to realize recently that this is part of my character and needs. So, you can only "tell" somebody you can trust and when there is something in it for you apart from their scorn and contempt. Ask yourself, "what is to be gained?" and "why do I need to tell?" Believe me, there are many ways to deal with guilt... write it down, then destroy the letter. Tell a friend..somebody..but not necessarily the boyfriend or partner. Leave that ace up your sleeve, is my advice. A little mystery is good!!