separating & terrified

**sadmommy** · 10-11-2011 07:52 AM

Hi, this is my first post here. I'm wondering if anyone here has been through a separation? I'm the instigator but am filled with worries. I've been married for 15 years to a good man, he's also a great dad. But our marriage has been passionless, sexless and just plain "platonic". We have 3 kids so for a long time, I accepted that what i had was "ok", we were friends. We've tried therapy... I've been a stay-at-home-mom for 15 years so the idea of providing for myself is terrifying. Hurting him hurts me. The kids... But bottom line, I want to be happy. I've asked him to separate (move out but stay in therapy) and he's SO ANGRY. Says I'm ruining his life. Although we disagree with each other's POVs, we both feel that we've giving everything only to be left with nothing. I'm so scared. I don't want to make a mistake but I feel like we're at that point. Is there happiness after separation or am I naive to think that I can find true happiness and passion?

**BaileyGirl** · 10-11-2011 09:15 AM

OMG! My heart jumped out to you off this page! I was married very young, had 3 kids in my marriage and separated from my husband telling him I needed a divorce after 22 years. It was the HARDEST time of my entire life! I worked part-time only, so had to become a full-time career woman and my youngest was only 3. My husband was so hurt and betrayed that he literally turned on me and became emotionally distraught and SOOOO ANGRY! Playing the guilt-trip on me with that "hurting". It got very ugly and I am going to be honest to tell you something someone told me... and they were right. It gets even uglier than you think.. BUT... then (I PROMISE YOU THIS), it FINALLY gets better! You deserve to be happy! You have one short life on this planet, one chance, that's it. I too tried everything with my ex to make things better, but I knew deep down inside I was going to live a life of growing bitterness and regrets and depression if I stayed in that marriage in the long run and so would he. I was a stress eater and so unhappy I was overweight. And that is not the marriage you want your children to see either, that is not love. I wanted true love and inner happiness. I gave up almost everything financially and started all over at 42. It's been 3 years now since that separation, and the divorce has been final for a year and a half (yes that part takes time). What can I say to you? I am so very happy that I beat all the odds and did this. I have never felt this free and happy and at peace in my entire life. I feel like someone breathed fresh new life in me. I have met the most awesome people and experiences. My kids are very well adjusted because they know they are loved and see how very happy I have become. I work out at a gym and watch what I eat and lost 45 pounds! People tell me that I look in my early 30's instead of mid 40's! Even my ex is now being friendly to me and sees that we truly were BOTH not happy in hind sight and he has started dating too. You have to go with your gut, girl! You deserve happiness and you CAN have it if you believe that you deserve it and are willing to stay on that path until it is yours. Read the book "The Secret". Good luck to you. I hope your outcome turns out as beautiful as mine has ... for everyone!

**sadmommy** · 10-11-2011 09:49 AM

Thank you so much for sharing ur story with me. It's refreshing and helpful to know that I'm not alone. I'm 37 and my kids are 13,9 & 5. I'm so scared of making the wrong choice, but I think it's more about my fears and insecurities about my future than it is about him. What if I'm lonely? What if I have regrets? What if passionate love doesn't really exist? Am I being selfish?How long am I suppose to wait? He's been a passive man for as long as I've known him so to see such anger makes me ill. I can't eat or sleep. I can't stop crying. I'm trusting that it gets better and holding on to ur words... "I am so very happy that I beat all the odds and did this. I have never felt this free and happy and at peace in my entire life. I feel like someone breathed fresh new life in me." thank you.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-11-2011 10:27 AM

Can't say it better than BaileyGirl did. Hugs to you and best of luck on your new journey. Keep reminding yourself that it WILL get better. Life is short girlfriend, live it to the fullest. Many people get stuck in platonic passionless marriages. Kudos to you for being strong enough to want more than that.

**BaileyGirl** · 10-11-2011 10:30 AM

You are so very welcome. I went into it believing I deserved passionate love, but was willing to accept that I may be alone until I'm 85, but you know what? That's ok too, because I am still happy and healthy and free and LOVING life to the fullest, and am happy not to have settled and make "do" with misery when the right one does come along...and he will. My ONLY regret ever was that I waited too long to do what I did. I am already 45 but I had to get over those lost years and count the blessings that I had my last daughter to enjoy who is now 6. She sees me as a happy strong positive woman. I see only good in this. I wish I could speed up your misery right now, but truth be told, it is part of the healing process you have to endure to get there. And when you are "there" you will feel very rewarded and lose all doubts and fears. Take Care!

**Madgirl** · 10-11-2011 01:56 PM

Such a nice words in here. Its a pleasure to read it

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-11-2011 02:29 PM

15 years is a long time to be in a loveless marriage, so is 7

That's when I finally had enough and said, pftttt what ever is out there it's got to be better than this, it's also about the time I learn't more about my body, by myself which is a good thing because as far as the word "passion" goes, it made me realise all else that I missed as well.

You will find more than likely you will cry, feel strange and then feel elated, freedom, to do what you want, when ever you want "bar the time with the children" but even there, they are growing up and you will gain more freedom.

You will find it tough as you have had 15 years as a stay at home Mum, but that shouldn't stop you from remembering where you came from and doing an on-line course, passing and feeling great and getting out there, volunteering whilst looking for part time work. You will feel excited in the knowing you are achieving.

And you will find it daunting in the "dating world" when you are ready, I'd recommend a good 12 months finding you first, but even in that, it will be fun as you dress up and get your nerves together.

Surround yourself by things you haven't done but always wanted to do, even if it's something simple like photography...And surround yourself with friends even those you let go off, due to being married and start living.

You've tried and tried and know in your heart he is just a "friend", there is no passion, emotional support...We have one life, go and live it.

**Seniora** · 10-11-2011 02:30 PM

Well, this is opening a can of worms.... Obviously some of you have been through a similar experience as sadmommy and can help her with this. I haven't been divorced or separated in 40 years with the same man, but it has never been easy - except in the last 12 months as we are living in Europe together, away from family and stress. This makes a HUGE difference. I guess if you separate because you think you are better off alone then that's OK, but to think that there may be passion ahead. Well, great if you can find it: but there are literally ARMIES of single women over 40 out there and it's a dog-eat-dog world. Be very mindful of this, and sure within yourself that single-dom and peace of mind are the most important things for you. That should make the decision a valid one. Great that the kids are so well-adjusted at this stage, and well done. If you find love again, well that's wonderful but it's far from guaranteed. I've just heard too many negative stories so focus on the things which give you pleasure, take an interest in yourself and others and take life as it comes. Very good luck to you!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-11-2011 02:42 PM

I better add then

Amongst the baggage out there, "men that were bitter over their past relationships/marriages" as a 48 year old woman, I am engaged again, very much in love, it's been 2 years and we live together and I now have a step daughter...

My fiance, realised his faults in his past marriage, but is passionate and was not given passion...We have simular goals in life and the same morals. He was ready to find someone in his life again.

Me, I realised who I was, found myself, took time out for me and then knew what would match and what wouldn't, had some disasterous dates, alot of guys pretending to have simular core values, thoughts, passions, etc, or pretended to be younger

But, in knowing who I was, being happy in myself, with life, I found my partner when I wasn't looking.

I think that's the key, to not move on in a dream world that someone better is out there...To move on and say, I will love myself first, find my passions, be happy with me and in that, people will walk into my life simular, they will be attracted to like, and lets see what's out there then, not settle again, rather this time, make sure things are simular and passion is there...

It took me, 3 years... But, I promise it does happen... And it's worth the wait, providing you work on you, and become independent, happy in yourself and know who you are, therefore what you want.

**kieran_jane** · 10-12-2011 09:11 PM

It breaks my heart to read stories likhese.. I am only 20 and have a daughter and a son on the way and I am completely in love with my fiance but already we have issues with even liking each other.. he has completely different morals and ideas of life and relationships than I do.. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I feel like I am waiting for it to get better.. reading this makes me think it never will be.
I truly believe separation is best for someone who is unhappy.. life is too short. I personally am too terrified to take that jump.. good for you!