Feeling disturbed about partner's immoral/illegal past life....

**Elizaruthford** · 10-11-2011 09:38 AM

My partner has an ex wife who is only 26 - I am 39. This would be acceptable if he were the same age as her or if he met her when she was over the age of 16 - but he wasn't - you see she was only 14 years old when they met and he was 23. Her mother threw her out on the streets and he took her in (I don't know how this happened as it is illegal). He was a Professional singer who worked the clubs and she stopped going to school at the age of 15 and moved away with him. They got married and had a child together when she was 19. They split up 3 years ago.

I have been with my partner for around 8 months now and I am only just finding out the truth about his history. I was thinking of us getting a house together as he has asked me to marry him and be stepdad to my children (who adore him). Yet it is really bothering me to the brink of disturbance! How I ask could he allow that to happen??? He said they were in love and she looked and acted like an adult. I find it sickening and am having second thoughts about carrying on with him never mind setting up home etc... When I found out the extent of the truth - I turned into Judge Judy and really let rip! His morals, his standards,he could have been arrested and charged with statatory rape! but he says it is all in the past and for me to move on and love him for who he is today and that he is deeply in love with me. My children have begged me to stay with him. His child treats me as her stepmum.

I feel I am going insane as the thoughts of him with a young girl are consuming my every waking hour - it is making me ill. Yet he was 23, he is now 35 and says he would not entertain a teenager and that I was not there and I will never fully understand his past but to accept it and move on.

I am losing sleep and I am losing my mind and scared to put my life and trust into someone that has lived such a sketchy life.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-11-2011 10:31 AM

He can't change his past. You have to decide whether or not you can get past it. If you can't, there's definitely no sense in carrying on with. And don't lie to yourself and tell yourself you can get past it if you know you can't. Yes...his situation seems odd but perhaps it was a time in his life in which he didn't feel as much personal responsibility as he does now. 23 is still very very young.

The major issue here is trust. The important thing is to ask yourself, what has he done TO YOU to cause a lack of trust? Put the reigns on marrying this man for now......and allow yourself a chance to get to know him even better and build up some trust. Don't go into a marriage like this.

**Elizaruthford** · 10-11-2011 10:50 AM

The important thing is to ask yourself, what has he done TO YOU to cause a lack of trust? Absolutely nothing at all - he has showered me with so much love that I have never known in my life. His mission in life these days is to ensure that I am happy and he does everything in his power to show me how much he loves me. But....he hid the truth from me, but the more you get into someone's life, of course, the more you will find out about them no matter how much they try to hide it. Dates and facts did not add up. I thought I was going mad because of this. I had to know what had gone on and why. If I am going to spend the rest of my life with someone and let them into my children's lives more - then I have to know who they are and how they got to be where they are now. I met him when he was singing in my pub and could see how the other women and young women were taken with his talents. I just do not understand how he could fall for someone such as a child when he could have had anyone he wanted. He is a good man and I do love him, but I cannot seem to control my own thoughts about his situation. You are quite right - he cannot undo the past, and neither can I mine. I want to stop thinking this way but it will not go away. I am really uncomfortable with it. Yes 23 is very young and now to me at the age of 39 and a mother, I am seeing it as a woman nearing her 40s. I was a very different person myself all those years ago. I am going to put the brakes on here.....

Thanks very much for your sensible reply to my thread. I appreciate it. E x

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-11-2011 10:57 AM

It's totally understandable to feel that way to a certain extent. Embarking up on a life with someone is scary, because there is NO guarantee, no matter how much you want there to be. I have trust issues myself...and if I discover a mistruth even if it's tiny, it nags at me and nags at me. I've learned to force some of those things down. I expect that he loves and respects you as a strong beautiful woman, and knows that his past has NOTHING to do with where he is in his heart now, and didn't want to risk losing you over something that happened when he was still very much a boy.

It sounds like you've got a good fella on your hands. Take a breather on the whole idea of marriage for a while, and just allow yourself to get to know him and vice versa. Allow him to continue showing himself to you so that you can establish that trust.

**Elizaruthford** · 10-11-2011 11:16 AM

Thank you very much - you have been most helpful and I feel a little lifted with someone elses opinion on the situation. He tells me I am the most beautiful woman he has ever met and worships the ground I walk on but I tell him it cannot be true as he has had opportunities to be with women much more desirable than myself. I have a drawer full of love letters from him since we met....he texts me all the time, even when we are in the same house! and I am the object of his affections. He insists he does not need his eyes tested lol.

Again - thanks for your input - I am so glad I posted my thoughts on here. E x

**Little** · 10-11-2011 11:43 AM

A teenager whose family life is so bad that she has to leave legitimately will probably act like an adult. If a girl is frequenting places usually frequented by adults, taking care of herself like an adult would, and has dropped out of school and thus no longer interacting with her peer group, she probably grew up fast.

It's not like he ran off with her, knocked her up, and left her hanging out to dry. They had a legitimate relationship and were married for a few years. Personally, it would give me the heebie jeebies too ... but he's obviously healed and moved on from that relationship with such unfortunate circumstances, and now he's with you - someone nearer his age and probably maturity level. Knowing that, can you move on from his past too?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-11-2011 03:23 PM

I'd say he is/was a very caring person...At 14, you have no job, no where to turn, all you want is someone to be there for you, and I'd say definately also someone to trust and love, he was there for her and a bond developed.

I also think that she would have grown up fast, he was a professional singer and older than her...

He was only 23 and yet he loves you so much that he shared this with you, the truth, which equates to trust and honesty which is important in a marriage...

I think you have a gem... Don't let past get in the way of today, the present and your future...

Just like the care he gave her, the help he gave her, he now gives un-conditionally to you, something you have never had either...

Be happy...

**BabyGirl** · 10-11-2011 08:13 PM

As Others have said, Start with..

1) How has he treated you and your kids ?

2) Any reason other than the Past that you just learned about, would you say no to him or his Proposal ?

3) What do you feel Lied to about ? Was it her age and His when he said he had an Ex Wife ?

4) When you knew he married and it ended. Did he have to tell you her age at the beginning of their relationship before they married ?
Or is this slowly coming out by your Digging and Chewing an the Old Bone that he has buried.

5) Does It matter ? Are you going to tell him every " Mistake " you made when young, from the age of 14- Now ??

6) He was 23, she was 14. In my mind she was very young. But know that Legally in a couple of States here in the USA, Woman ( child ) of 13 years old can be Married , with Parents permission to a Man of any Adult Age. Which means a 13 year old can be married to a 60 year old man .

Here being thrown out the house and him taking her in, was Compassion to say the Least. He could very well have tried and acted like Big Brother, and that Relationship of protectiveness and Protector, could very well have melded in to a Love for each other, a Security within each other. And to feel " Correct " about the relationship, They Married. Made it Legal. It didn't work out, They Divorced, He met you and ..

Now
1) Would you love him as you do now, If you did Not know his Past ( her age ) ?

2) If he was in a relationship, rescued and lived with a Woman that was 23 and him 14 . and they married and then split up and Divorced.

3) Would you feel any differently about Him ?

Your answer is there, It's in your Heart, Not in your Mind.

The Past is the Past.. Why exactly is his Past Bugging you ?
Recognize, ( sorry Guys on here ) but 23 year old males are about equivalent of 16 year old females , Most cases , not all . )

Get your Google or Bing up,

Search Mary Kay Letourneau,

Teacher that Loved a Young man, Went to Prison, Violated her Prison and was Imprisoned longer and he was 13..

She Already had 4 kids and a Husband and eventually Married that teenager. They have 2 kids now. She is 48 and he is 27..

The key here is they are happy even with her choices thru her Life.
The world was shocked that a woman could have relations with an "Almost Man".

And the world today still frowns on Older Women and Younger Men, But Rarely Frowns on older Men & barely Young Women.

Knowing in some Countries, When you Bleed you can Breed. Is Disturbing, but it is as it is and how it will be.

Also if you have time look back on your Country's Heritage.

I believe in the Great Britain and Ireland, ( you said as your Location ) that most young Ladies were Married by 18, but betrothed almost by birth right .

And Certainly were " Put out On Display or The SEASON" at 16, This is the American " Sweet 16 " we used to brag about in the 1960 and still do today ..

Soo Here is the Number 10 of it .

You are Beautiful to Him, he loves you 365 days of the year, He Love your Kids 365 days of the year.

You love your Kids 365 days of the year ...

How many days of this Year are you going to Waste, Wondering if you can still Love Him ?
Because he was not in your 365 days of the years in the Past ?

**jns** · 10-24-2011 12:09 PM

Originally Posted by Elizaruthford

Thank you very much - you have been most helpful and I feel a little lifted with someone elses opinion on the situation. He tells me I am the most beautiful woman he has ever met and worships the ground I walk on but I tell him it cannot be true as he has had opportunities to be with women much more desirable than myself. I have a drawer full of love letters from him since we met....he texts me all the time, even when we are in the same house! and I am the object of his affections. He insists he does not need his eyes tested lol.

Again - thanks for your input - I am so glad I posted my thoughts on here. E x

Desirability is much more than physical desirability and much more than personality desirability if love is involved. Take him at his word.