twisted up mind and stress :( having effect on my relationship

**wallace15** · 10-23-2011 08:56 PM

Let me start by saying that I am a young woman who is committed to not having sex until I am married.

After the time of beginning puberty, I began noticing a feminine odor and believed it was a vaginal infection, yet at 13 years old I didn't really care and had no desire to see a doctor.

I am 19 now and have been with my boyfriend for two years. I have been thinking about marriage recently and have become interested in trying to be "cured," suddenly seeing a sexual relationship in my future. I am in love with my boyfriend. He is absolutely wonderful. However, up to this point I have always felt like I've been "holding back" a bit because I felt like I had this big secret.
(Let me elaborate on what I mean by holding back: I mean, I think about how happy my married life would be with him, because I love him with all my heart, but then I think "Well, I could never subject him to sex with me. I'm too disgusting." And also let me say that he loves me wholeheartedly, and I know for a fact that he would NEVER think I was gross or disgusting, no matter what I felt about myself, which makes it really stupid that I feel like this. Also, whenever I see someone with a baby, I just feel like I will never be able to have a baby because I would be to embarrassed to ever have sex.)

This past summer I went to an ob/gyn in my hometown, who tested me for infections. She found nothing. In the past month I have been to a new ob/gyn in my college town. I went to her twice. The first time she tested me, and found nothing. (I also wash daily, btw) I then scheduled a follow up exam because I felt that there was no way this could be correct. She tested again and said "You have nothing to worry about. I can't even tell you how normal you are."

So maybe I am normal, but I can't really wrap my head around it. I have been thinking for 6 or 7 years that I was "contaminated" or dirty, and now I am suddenly forced to accept that I have been normal all along? I still can't help but feel as if I am holding back. This last appointment was only two weeks ago. I know it takes time, and I know in my HEAD that I probably am normal, but my heart is having a hard time believing it. I know that my boyfriend would not care one bit; if I've researched right, men actually like a vagina's natural scent.

One tiny fraction of a part of me worries that when I do get married, since my husband and I will not have had sex before, he will think I smell and then he won't be able to "get out of it" by then because we are already married.

I think my biggest problem is that I need to help my mind develop a healthier body image. I still think it will take time for me to accept this, because I have had years of this other mindset.

It felt really good to get this all off my chest.
Does anyone have any advice for me regarding ANY of this?

Thank you!

**wallace15** · 10-23-2011 09:23 PM

I guess I'm just having a hard time getting this stubborn mental attitude out of my head. I need to realize that I am a beautiful, intelligent, lovable human being and that this shouldn't affect my life so much.

**jns** · 10-23-2011 10:44 PM

You could go to a psychologist who could create a program which would lessen your perception of feminine odor. With more confidence as you grow older, you will probably get to a point where it isn't part of your thoughts.

**BabyGirl** · 10-24-2011 06:47 AM

You can try going to a " Love " Shop, they have different smelling/ flavored ointments, Lotions, body washes. Like Passion Fruit, Wild Cherry, Chocolate, Mousse.

Wash with them daily or just lotion that area up. After awhile you'll smell , even to yourself, " Yummy ".

**Goosey** · 10-24-2011 08:17 AM

Are you are all religious? I'm going to assume you may be because you are waiting to have sex.

Honestly, I think that could have something to do with it (if that's the case). I grew up in a very religious home, and I thought I was absolutely dirty "down" there. Even though everything was actually completely normal. But its simply how I was taught to think about sex and sex related things. I was taught how sinful they were, and so when you smell things down there, I would assume I was dirty.

I think you just need to help yourself get over it.... others above have good tips. Talk to someone, self acknowledge that you are clean and normal down there, if you don't like that smell, get something to help change it.

**wallace15** · 10-24-2011 11:55 AM

Yeah, I am religious and I think that may have a bit to do with it as well. I just look at other people and think, "surely, they don't feel as wet and smelly down there as I do." But in reality, they possibly do? For example, my roommate wears thongs all the time. I could never imagine wearing one because I would just feel like it would hold in my scent less, make my smell more noticeable, and make me feel more wet down there,if that makes sense? So I see her doing that and feel like I'm not normal because I can't wear thongs.
I just need a mental adjustment but its pretty difficult.

**wallace15** · 10-24-2011 01:31 PM

One more thing to add - I have lived my teenage life thinking that I would need to be "fixed" before I could have a sexual relationship. I always felt like I wasn't "worthy" or good enough to have sex with anyone until I was fixed/cured. It is hard to now hear that I cannot be cured, because nothing is wrong in the first place?
Sorry I keep adding more but I am just trying to explain myself as best I can.

**jns** · 10-24-2011 02:01 PM

Physically you may be OK, but in your mind there is a problem. Therefore a mental adjustment needs to be made. You can wait and see if it will occur naturally as you go through life or you can be proactive about making the adjustment.

**wallace15** · 10-24-2011 02:33 PM

I want more than anything to make the mental adjustment. As much as it would probably help, therapy at this point is not an option because I am a poor college student (4 parking tickets in a month - ouch! lol). My appointment was only 2 weeks ago, so I know this is still new to me. But does anyone have any suggestions or words of encouragement? I could really use it. Thanks.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-24-2011 03:04 PM

Hi Wallace,

I want to say to you, it's possible those years ago, that you weren't imagining things, you did have an infection, a "yeast infection" called thrush... Your brain told you, you had something and you acknowledge wetness so you are aware that that is part of being a woman.

Trush as a teenager occurs to lots of girls, mainly because they start their period and so the body reacts differently, sometimes for a bit...But thrush is a yeast problem it can also be caused by being alergic to nylon which doesn't allow our bodies to breathe, tight jeans... And, it goes away by itself...

Let's assume that this is what occured all those years ago...So your mindset says "ok, that's what it was, now I know"...

For a woman to feel "wet" frequently, is a very good thing for marriage, it means that you will enjoy sex, you won't be dry, you will welcome your partner, and he will feel that, and be happy to know that he turns you on... He will not look at it any other way. Find sex education via google and sit down from time to time together to discuss what may occur and how beautiful a female body really is, in nature, the way it reacts to love, emotions so he knows as well what to expect and that it's beautiful...

A Womans scent... is how an "animal" knows that he can mate.... same for man... but not all men even know what it is, or can smell it, only those in tune I believe...For you? Start to embrase it, it actually is a beauty of you, a woman, much like the gerbras

And, realise it as being a real woman, that you are...Beautiful in every way.