Supporting a quitter

**disconnected1** · 10-25-2011 11:43 AM

Hello-

I need some advice. My husband is constantly trying to change and failing. He chews tobacco, drinks alchohol daily, maybe 6 caffinated drinks per day, eats unhealthily and does not excercise. I KNOW it's a great thing that he admits these things are not good and is trying to change however I have gotten to the point that I am not able to be supportive any longer.
In the beginning I was gung-ho. Showing him abundant support. His first attempt at quitting "chew" was a promise for my wedding gift. That lasted about a month. After my daughter was born he tried again and that lasted about 3 months. He tried again, again and again and failed. His mother died of cancer and he told me this is it. I know I have to stop or I'm a hypocrite. I will never chew again. He did and does now. Whenever he decides to make a change in his life he says, "I'm doing it this time".
I'm not able to be supportive after the last eight years of empty promises. I know what lies ahead. The greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And it's not only with chew it's with the drinking, caffine, unhealthy eating, spending money, etc.
How can I get behind my husband? I have never been addicted to anything so I feel so frustrated and can't understand what the problem is. Just do it! When he tells me he is ready to change this or change that I just nod my head. I have lost faith in him and what he says. This in part has caused me to lose attraction for him. Emotionally & sexually. Am I wrong to feel this way?

**cocooned57** · 10-25-2011 12:10 PM

No you are not wrong, but maybe he probably is comfortable in his addictions bc you have none and he can happily pursue his bc he knows he can count on you to be healthy and normal. I think daily drinking of alcohol is not a good sign either. I divorced my first H due to this issue. He may mean it when it promises to stop, but it is easy to say but hard to do for him. Perhaps he needs to try out a nicotine patch, look into finding something to replace the high he gets from these substances. It can be done bc I know of many who have done it.

You need to find a way for yourself to not allow all this to make you unhappy. You do not mention the general state of your marriage, but if all is good otherwise, you will have something to work with. If the marriage is floundering or unhappy, it will be that much more difficult. But he sounds willing at least, so that is a start.

Maybe you could make some plans or get a hobby that will create the kind of behavior you would like to see in him. Join a walking club or something just the two of you together can do as a couple. Maybe others will post with better suggestions too. CC57

**disconnected1** · 10-25-2011 12:38 PM

Thank you. He has tried anti-depressants and patches but to no avail. The general state of our marriage is pretty crappy. We havent had sex in almost a year. We sleep in separate rooms due to his extreme snoring. I have encouraged him to get help for this and see a sleep specialist but nothing has been done. We exist, pretend, play house but our love is dwindling. We have two children that are beautiful, healthy and happy. I feel lonely and sometimes like his mom and not his wife. I always make things right and fix things. But right now, (You are so right!) I need to find a hobby something that is mine that will make me happy. I'm done trying to fix him. I recently joined a gym and am planning on starting a workout regime. I am a strong person. My fear is that in me not trying to fix him that he will fall even further and so will our mairrage. He got a DUI and charged 13K on a credit card in the past. He has addictions and I cannot change him. Do I divorce or try to go to counseling? Marriage counseling does not change addictions.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-25-2011 02:24 PM

Good lord your last post sounded like me

I understand totally, on that note, what it is like living with someone who is a cronic snorer and won't do anything about it. I was sooo tired, in the end, I also ended up in one room and him the other and no sex either for a year, (although I could still hear him)... He also grew his hair, put on weight, and was a total turn off, then there was the constant emotional abuse, we won't go into that, needless to say, I set my wings one day and flew out of there.

It's fair to say, your husband always had an addictive personality...You saw he was going to stop chewing tobacco as a wedding present, I imagine he was drinking and caffine, and spending money also before you married.

Addictive personalities is a huge problem, you can stop one addiction but you go for another, you still need to be addicted to something, in his case, lots of things, everything.

Unless he's prepared to come to realisation that he's lost you for the most part and losing you for the full part, and will go and get help for his addictive personality (marriage councelling won't work, that's after), then there is nothing you can do for him.

You can for yourself.

Sleeping on your own for a year, no sex, feeling a bit or alot repelled, will eventually turn into "no love" at all for him, other than a friend (unless there is any form of abuse) and then that's out the window to.

Work on you, you are important...Go to that gym, start feeling good about yourself, find a hobby, go volunteer somewhere, find a part time job, (you may need savings) and live...

Maybe if he sees how happy you are and the changes that will happen to you, he will do something radical like see someone.

I'd also write those things down

ADDICTIVE - Chewing/coffee/drinking/spending - ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY and hand it to him...

I believe alcohol consumption creates the cronic snoring by the way...

You can not fix something that doesn't want to be fixed...In my opinion, there are some deep rooted issues from his childhood that has made him turn to addictions as "comfort"...Personal councelling may bring those things out and he may realise that the past is the past he can move on to the now and future.

He also needs to find things that make him happy to replace those bad addictions for new ones, such as "good things" in life.

Best wishes sweet.

**cocooned57** · 10-25-2011 04:45 PM

My only additional thought is to do what you can to stabilize your financial situation if (just in case) you do get divorced. If you stay with him, do alot for yourself and just obligatory things for him. Get him paying off that CC debt for one thing. Live with him, but live without him (mentally). I am unsure if you have a job or skill that you can use to make some income for yourself. I would even go so far as to get a sep checking account for just yourself, dep YOUR paychecks into it and also a savings account. Tell him that since he keeps breaking his promises, then you are going to protect yourself financially bc the way he is going, his life will not be a long one. I am in my mid 50s and I can tell you for sure that his bad habits will start to hit him healthwise by his 40s or sooner. I have friends who did not live to see their 50th bc they smoked, drugged, drank, and overate themselves into terrible illnesses. I know this stuff is just hard and heartbreaking for you. I had your kind of marriage once, but did divorce and found a wonderful second husband who was good to my kids and me. And if you keep yourself fit and stable and put some money aside for the future (and hey, if he reforms and your marriage recovers into a good thing, you can use that money for a trip or something else!) and just do not disintergrate with him (it sucks to be the strong one, I know, BTDT big time) then you will be prepared for whatever happens. But it won't be immediate, you will have to plan for a long term new life for yourself. I wish you the best.... Cc57

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