Thread: I'm losing my best friend.

Recently, I've been feeling heartbroken. I don't know if it's real, or if it's all in my head, but I think my best friend of fifteen years doesn't want to be around me anymore. I understand why, but I still feel like crying every day when I think about her. A few years ago, when she saw me, her face would light up and she'd be so happy. I'd be so happy just to see her. We were as close as sisters. Now, because of events that soured her friendship with my other best friend, I feel as though she doesn't want to see me because I didn't take sides. I didn't choose either side, because the fight was about a boy, and she chose the boy before her friendship with anybody else, and the other girl was delusional about the boy's feelings and was malicious - but also insane with jealousy. Nobody was right. Nobody was wrong. My best friend of 15 years came away feeling as though everyone had turned against her. I came away from the experience feeling as though I couldn't trust her to love me more than she loved some guy she barely knew for three months.

I don't think either of us have gotten past this, and I feel like the wedge has grown deeper through time and distance.

Now she doesn't smile at me when we meet. She doesn't visit me - I am the one who always goes to visit her, when she can spare the time, and it always includes her boyfriend or family or other friends. I've lived in my current house for three years, and the only time she visited was because she wanted some place to stay in town without paying for a hotel. We recently had a party, and she didn't even try to talk to me, or spend any time with me. I understand, there were many other people there as well as her boyfriend, and this is the way it has been for the past several years. We never have alone time to talk, and all of her time is taken up with her boyfriend. I don't even feel like I have the right to ask her to give me some of her time, and I feel like even if I did ask her, she'd give any excuse not to be around me.

She's a kind and wonderful person, but I think her patience with me has run out. I'm negative, gloomy, I mostly dislike her boyfriend, am judgmental, and I was snotty at the tail end of the party because I was jealous, tired, and was so busy slapping filters on what I wanted to say that I ended up being terse and somewhat y. In the past, she's always understood and tolerated me. I don't think she can tolerate me anymore because we lost the trust our friendship was based on. I sent her a message trying to apologize for being snotty, and she hasn't sent me anything back. She's commented in a general way about me, but she hasn't spoken directly to me for weeks unless it was to ask for something. The distance between us is growing, and I think that this is what she wants.

On one hand, I would grovel as much as she wanted me to in order to stay as friends. I'd keep begging for scraps of her time, and accept that I'm the lowest priority that she has, as long as she would start talking to me again. On the other hand, I feel so hurt because I'm not allowed to be grumpy, or make mistakes, or mention my other friend, or be myself when I'm around her. I always have to walk on eggshells to avoid stepping on conversational bombs. I always have to put other people ahead of myself when it comes to making time to be with her, because I'm not as important as all of the other people in her life. I feel like she's placed all of these conditions on who I have to be in order to keep being friends with her, and it's wearing me out.

I don't know what to do. Her life is so busy and full of stress that I can't find a moment to talk about how I feel. It would just make her feel worse, and she doesn't need it right now. But I'm losing her as a friend, and if we can't talk about that, then I'm going to be stuck in this heartbroken state because nothing will be resolved. It will be a long, painful death, and I'll likely come away from the whole experience bitter and doubting myself. I still love her, but whatever we once were to each other is dying, and it hurts.