Money, Money, Money

**kygirl** · 11-14-2011 01:48 PM

So, I've been with BF for 9 months now (man, how time flies). I'm still really happy, we don't argue much and usually it's short and over with after we hash it out for 5-10 mins. We communicate well, he loves me, I love him, we've been living together for the last 3 months.

Currently, I pay no rent. I'm at a crossroads professionally and I have been trying to pay off my last remaining credit card after attacking my debt the last few years. He understands and he says he's okay with it because he knows I'm working on bettering myself and finding legal employment. I have plans to drop my hours at my current job and start doing some additional training and volunteer work early next year. He and I have discussed what my month expenses are and how we could make ends meet if we needed to for 2-3 months if I lost all income. So, here's the problem:

I love that he's willing to help me out, but the thought TERRIFIES me. I've always taken care of myself and I am used to paying my own bills, etc. Beyond that, I don't want him to ever resent me because he has to support me for some length of time. We have talked about marriage and I do anticipate a ring at some point in the next 4-6 months, but I am just not sure I feel comfortable with his offer to pay. Not because I think he doesn't mean it but because I don't feel like he is responsible for me. For some reason, as crazy as it sounds, I'd feel better if we were engaged or married even though I know he's fully committed to me 100%.

I'm just not sure how to not let the thought bother me. I already feel slightly bad for not paying rent even though it is very helpful with student loans kicking in, but I know money can be a big issue and I'm not sure how I'd react to someone controlling my every penny bc I have no income?

Any thoughts from other individuals whose SO or Spouse has had to support them financially? How do I make this not be such an issue to me?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-14-2011 01:54 PM

If you love someone you are there for them...

There's no tit for tat, it just is.

I think it's normal for you to feel that way, because the what if's always come into it, yet if engaged or married, it's more of the commitment thought and that makes it "ok"...

Just show your love and respect, help him in other ways as you can and neither of you will feel anything other than that...love and respect.

**kygirl** · 11-14-2011 02:04 PM

Thanks CW. I mean, it's been his thought from the get go and he's gone out of his way to support me. He jokes that it is his "investment" for when I start making the big bucks, but he's always told me that he'd love me regardless. I guess the thought just makes me nervous because I've not had to depend on anyone to "support" me in 12 years. Now, I want to be able to take this jump and hope to make my dreams work out, but it brings up so many fears. I have no real basis that he's given me to have those fears, but it's just my own worries from what I've seen in other relationships more than anything.

I go out of my way now to help out and do what I can to make his life easier, I just am having trouble letting go of the thought of someone having to take care of me entirely.

**Goosey** · 11-14-2011 02:26 PM

I have been on both sides of that with my bf.

When we started dating, he was working a good job and so was I. I had just bought a house, consolidated my school debt and bought a car (foolish of me, when I look back), but I had worked it out and figured it will all work out. My job was good enough to cover all of that. Then things started going wrong in the house. My furnace broke, the basement flooded, the roofed went, our bathroom pipes broke and so on! It got to a point in which I literally was not even able to put gas in my car or feed myself. Bf to the rescue! He stepped up and paid for groceries, gas and all things I needed until I got back on my feet (aka sold my house and moved back home). He was absolutely wonderful.

Now, 2 years later, I have paid off my school debt, my car, am living at home (for very cheap) and have gotten a few raises. My bf ended up going back to school, then had to have surgery - putting him out of work for 6 months. And in comes me, happy to help with everything. Now I pay for everything, and honestly, for me -- its team work. I would rather him put his money that he has to bettering his career and future than to spend his money on things I can easily help with.

For most couples, when you love someone, you love helping the other out. As long as you don't assume or expect that he will always be that way, and that you continue to do things around the house to help out -- this is what couples do. One day the tables may turn and I'm sure you'd do everything you could to help out your bf.

**kygirl** · 11-14-2011 02:40 PM

Thanks Goosey: I think I'm just going to have to step back and maybe take a little hit to how I'm used to things being and just be glad I have someone who is willing to not only help out, but to suggest it and want to do it so I can try to better my (our) life. Hopefully, it'll only take a few months to get back on track! And if not, then I guess we'll figure it out.

**Goosey** · 11-14-2011 02:45 PM

I am definitely the same way as you. I worked full time since I was 14, and paid my way through (well 90%, 10% debt) University by myself, and all my living costs. But sometimes its ok to take some help once in a while!

Its only a few months -- and it will all work itself out in the wash, when you may have to do the care taking at some point!