Is it slutty to hook up with a guy before you start something serious?

**Jen154** · 11-22-2011 08:18 PM

I'll try to make this as short as possible. I'm 19, and like a guy so much. He started to text me a lot and pay a lot of attention to me, so I sensed he liked me back. One day when we were alone we started making out and it felt amazing. About a minute in, he started unbuttoning my shirt. We were in public, but it was in an empty parking lot. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that, and he said that was fine. After that we didn't really speak much and then we started talking again. About a week later, we hooked up again. This time we were alone and he tried to go farther than making out. I told him I wasn't comfortable again. I really wanted to start a relationship with him, but he hasn't given me any special attention since (I know, he's a jerk).

Here's the problem though: since the second he left that night, all I can think about is how badly I want to hook up with him. I'm not going to get a relationship out of it, I know. I'm upset about it, but whatever. But all I can think about is how badly I want to go farther and how much I regret not letting him touch me. I don't want to go all the way or anything, but I just want to have a little fun, you know? The only reason why I didn't is because I've heard my mother tell me she thinks it's slutty to do stuff like that before you're serious with a guy. I feel like it makes me a , but I seriously feel like I HAVE to hook up with him. Is that trashy?

**lizzardb63** · 11-22-2011 09:01 PM

I think it's impulsive. I can understand where you're coming from, because obviously if you want a relationship with him you find him sexually attractive. I would give yourself a little time to process your feelings before acting on them. That way you're sure you won't regret it. This guy doesn't sound like he deserves any more attention than you're giving him because it's obvious its only sex he wants (which is disrespectful since he has been leading you on). I'd say just give it some time to cool off and you may either say "yes I still want to" or "I am glad I didn't do that." You also don't want to put yourself in the position where you DO actually have sex and regret it (because I noticed you wrote you don't want to go all the way), but if you're really feeling that vulnerable, do you think you could stop yourself? Also- just a reminder. If anything does happen, PLEASE use protection. This guy isn't someone you want to have a baby with since there's no base to the relationship.

**Jen154** · 11-22-2011 09:25 PM

^Thanks for the advice. It's not really impulsive, though, because we hooked up over a week ago and I'm still stuck on it. He really did lead me on, which hurts. It's like we never once discussed the possibility of a relationship so I can't be angry with him for not wanting to be with me, but I am mad at him for what he did. I hate it, but I can't help but still like him. I secretly hope he'll turn around and realize he likes me enough to be with me, but I know that'll never happen. Not in a million years.
Right now I'm at the "yes, I want to" stage. Luckily, I won't see him for another week so I'll have time to change my mind if I need to. And no, I definitely won't go all the way since I still have yet to do that.
But...I still wonder if it's considered "trashy" to just hook up, just for the of it? I'm really stuck on that...

**lizzardb63** · 11-22-2011 09:30 PM

I woudn't think it's "trashy" as long as it isn't something you do every other night. and it also depends on the men you're hooking up with. Men with girlfriends or wives, yes that would be trashy, otherwise you have a right to do with your body what you want with whoever you want, bust just consider the consequences of your actions

**Aeryn Sun** · 11-22-2011 09:58 PM

My answer: Yes, not appropriate behavior for a new relationship.
I have been with my husband, and that is it. Sexuality/intimacy only being shared with my spouse is part of my faith, and the joy I get with matrimony. If you are willing to take it off, even part of it for one guy, what is stopping you from taking it off again for another guy, even if it is only part way. If/When you meet The One, are you going to feel secure with telling him your past?

Broad answer: It would depend on what YOU value in a relationship, and what history you want to carry with you. If he is getting the milk for free, why buy the cow, but if you are into getting sausage without buying the pig, maybe it's a perfect match!

**ItsASecret** · 11-22-2011 10:20 PM

I feel this guy is clearly going to use you for sex, that is not really worth any potential tears in the end. If he is going for the sex, going for the groping, going for the make-out hoping it will lead to some sort of sex act then this guy can unfortunately be one of those "players" that women refer to. The other part of the situation is if he has done it so quickly with you he may have with other women without questioning anything and as a result, if you two were to engage in sexual intimacy, may expose you to undue disease. It can happen on the first shot with someone new or it can be a matter of the more people you are with the more chance you are to being exposed to a disease. You must consider the disease factor with anyone new that you chose to be intimate with, and it is not just sex that can give you an infection or disease.

Right now I think you are just experiencing an infatuation stage, a giggy 'crush' per-se and that is influencing your desire to just jump into making out and such. You say you are not wanting to go all the way but your desire to go part way can potentially overcome any feelings you have about not wanting to become intimate with him. It may be that you two should remain as friends, if you choose to tell him how you feel that is up to you but maybe the friend thing is something you should consider instead of just hoping that it could lead to intimacy,

**lizzardb63** · 11-23-2011 08:09 AM

Ultimately, I don't think she wants us to tell her if its right or wrong, she's wondering if it's trashy. If you're asking if it's trashy...there must be a part of you that thinks so and you want someone else to justify that it isnt so you don't feel bad about it or guilty. If you have any of those feelings, I would suggest not doing it. Case in point.

**Darling** · 11-23-2011 08:26 AM

I agree with lizardb63.
But I do have one question that you should think about and maybe it will change your mind.
You said you don't want to go all the way, what makes you think he will stop?

**caterpillar79** · 11-23-2011 08:37 AM

This is just a general answer to the young woman in question (the OP) and this is applicable to any man you meet along the way, this guy included.

1. Do not sleep with the man you are dating if you are not sure about how you feel about him and how he feel about you - if you are wanting a long lasting relationship with him. Men who are seeking a long-term partner may want to know you more before sleeping with you.

2. You can sleep with any man you want as long as you think you can handle it afterwards (your morals). What your beliefs are, how you hold yourself in the society, in relation to your upbringing, your family and yourself. No one should tel you whether you're right or wrong, you're trashy or not but yourself - based on your own morals. Maybe this is the time you draw your boundaries for you, i.e. what to do if I feel sexual with this man, I sleep with him and then he does A or B - how do I react? Just so you know yourself and how to go about it without completely freaking out.

When I was your age, I freaked out after the first time I had sex. I was brought up in a conservative background, i.e. when a guy had sex with you, he better marry you or daddy will go hunt him down - I am serious. So that freaked me out. I had no friends I can confide with since in the society where I was, sex before marriage is taboo. Cut the story short, I don't want you to experience that unless you are ready for the implications and consequences of your actions while enjoying your life. It's a difficult balance.

3. When you have sex, make sure you are protected. And once you are sexually active, start being seen my a gynecologist on a regular basis. Some STDs like HPV cannot be avoided 100% with condom use. So be educated.

**rosekitten** · 11-23-2011 09:31 AM

The only person who can say if it's slutty or not, is you. Personally, I don't think it is. However... I know a lot of women can't separate sex from relationships. So, you have to think that if you do take it further (and, be aware, that if you go much beyond kissing and light fondling, you may lose yourself in the fun and have sex anyways), will you be even more attached and drawn to this man? I've had quite a few friendships where sex was involved, and nothing more. It wasn't a problem for me, because we had both discussed going into it that it was FWB sort of thing, not an actual relationship. You need to decide what you're okay with, and if you can handle any sort of physical intimacy without the relationship to go with it.