Thread: Is my man cheating???

How long have you known each other? A year or more?

Pursuing long distance relationships is very difficult but it can be done. It takes honesty, loyalty and patience on both sides, notwithstanding the love you have for each other. You said he was deployed in Iraq for six months...aside from that do you know where else he was deployed or what happened during deployment? Reason I ask is that these deployments are very challenging and life-changing.

I have a(n adopted) brother who is in Iraq now and it's getting the worse out of him. More than likely, these men who are deployed in Iraq get PTSD when they are sent back home. A person with Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can be very challenging to live with. He can be hot and cold in a blink of an eye. I'm just wondering if he is haunted by his experiences while he was deployed. Not saying he has it, just weeding out factors.

Next, he has a daughter. I'm assuming he's divorced. He might be busy with her, stressed about the visitation arrangements and what not. Does he tell you these things? How much do you know about his home life? Has he introduced you to his parents - skype or in person? Has he offered to fly you to his home country to visit and meet the folks?

I really don't think he is cheating per se, but who knows, guys can be sneaky. He is obviously preoccupied by something/s and he is not as open as he was before. I don't blame you for feeling that way.

For now, just take it easy. Let him be and cut him some slack. I'm also an Asian girl, now married to an American, but we met in person after a week of online chat since we happen to live in the same city here in the US. Based on my experience, these American guys can be very fickle-minded - they don't know what they want until they lose you or about to lose you. (Well, maybe that generally applies to men as a whole). So here is what I think would work....think about the rubber band, the more you let him pull away, the faster he'll bounce back, coming right to you. Let him do what he wants, let him realize how much you mean to him without you pointing it out.

In the meantime, do not invest so much of your time on him if he is not putting forth enough effort. Only give him the time that he deserves. If he's often busy, and not wanting to talk to you, be busy as well. Go out with friends, even with other people. Let him realize you are not his until he commits to you and marries you (whatever your goal is, fill it in here). Have a life. In fact, next time he wants to skype with you, even if you missed him so much, you can give him his medicine - tell him, you don't feel like skyping, or say, "I'm busy right now, let's reschedule tomorrow at 7 pm, your time". If he doesn't follow through ON TIME, tell him, you're appointment is up, sorry, we can't talk anymore, let's re-schedule". For sure, if you show him you mean business, he will make you his priority. Works for me all the time.

Thanks so much for your advice, it made me feel okay... today is our 1 year anniversary, yeah He have mentioned to me that PTSD, I knew exactly he got that when he was drunk here,he kept on mentioning the war he did for his country...and I was like surprised because he wasn't the man I knew before but all I did was not fight him back coz I knew drunk people are the worst talker...so what I did was to bring him home for him to meet my parents,when he does..he was very happy...then he got the tattoo on his skin of my name after 3 days. That's true, he is sometimes hot and sometimes cold to me lately, and I wonder why he change so bad when he got back home... he told me he is being stress and all the like but he doesn't tell me what stresses him.
With his daughter, he could tell me a little things about her,and the daughter even said she wanted to meet me in person and she's seen me on skype too when they were vacationing at his folks home. He had a bad passed with his ex, the woman robbed all his money and she cheated on him...I never met his parents in person since I couldn't get a visa for visiting, but it was his dad who told him to come and visit me here in my country....when I tried to get a visa, he told me that he could get a ticket for me so I can meet his parents back home. I amon his facebook status relationship, his workmates knew me too as well as his friends...all I can hear about them saying, he talks about me all the time...
You are very right, american men are fickle minded, and their attitude are very rough...in a sense that they don't care what they do or say,they don't care about the feelings of being hurt or them hurting other's feelings,but they are too sensitive if you've said something that for them isn't good...very bias huh?
He turned down his deployment because he told me it will kill our relationship if he would say yes again for that 1 year deployment because I told him I couldn't wait for more than 6 months,but we figured it out if I can get a visa so I can live with him while him being deployed but too sad it will be harder for us too... I knew he loves me but I can sense he is playing head games to me lately, does this anything to do with testing my love for him???
And his friend from the base told me that he was told by him like "i love the woman but she can just make me mad sometimes", I am very jealous, and he told he is tired of me accusing him but whenever I told him like who started breaking my trust???he will stop talking. He has some plans for us to be together by next year but for me,if he has all these things for us, why is he treating me like cold and ignored? Isn't if you are doing everything for this person all you have to do is to nurture the relationship with love and affection??? now why does he give me every other day attention??? if you were me, you will just think like he is cheating right???

Originally Posted by Found999

... he told me he is being stress and all the like but he doesn't tell me what stresses him.

Let him blow off some steam. Is he going to therapy for his PTSD? The VA (Veterans Affairs) has a program for them in order to cope. If you plan to be with him, read more about PTSD so you can prepare yourself. I've lived with one in my past and it was not a good experience. I can't handle it. Hopefully, if you know more about PTSD, the better you can understand/help him.

Originally Posted by Found999

...You are very right, american men are fickle minded, and their attitude are very rough...in a sense that they don't care what they do or say,they don't care about the feelings of being hurt or them hurting other's feelings,but they are too sensitive if you've said something that for them isn't good...very bias huh?

It's a huge cultural thing. In most cases, we know ourselves very well and we operate with this knowledge, from our wants, desires and dreams for the future, including our future mate. In my observation (may not apply to all), (some) American men have a hard time giving up their freedom to try out and look at other menus (other girls). They do not necessarily want to have sex with that girl, but they tend to still "look" and fantasize. In our culture, when this man commits and tells you he loves you, he is no longer allowed to do that. He is restricted to only you - because that's how we are taught to be.

Likewise, women in our culture tend to be more timid and submissive. We serve and nurture the man we love, hoping it is reciprocated the way we expect them to. But that is not the case. Of course, I am talking about the traditionally raised Asian here. (Not being racist). Americans, by far are very outspoken, comparatively speaking . It is difficult not to take it personally, but you have to. Do not let your emotions and your self-image be marred by his words. There might be times, he's just venting, that's all. If his words confuse you, go with his actions. It's always my guide as to what my husband really meant when he says something and his actions contradict it. Let him be able to open up to you without you being emotional. Just listen and don't take it personally. Believe me, he'll appreciate that.

There is also a case where he is not sure about himself - what he really wants in life. Maybe he is figuring it out right now - so cut him some slack. Give him space.

Originally Posted by Found999

... I knew he loves me but I can sense he is playing head games to me lately, does this anything to do with testing my love for him???

Maybe that's a little bit more of an over-reaction on your part, but only you can tell. He may be playing head games or not, but let him. Try not to take it personally. He is stressed over something, let him figure it out. He will be able to figure it out in no time if you stop bugging him. (I don't mean to be rude to you - I'm just trying to draw out from my experience when I was with a veteran who also has PTSD). He is not testing your love for him, you've already proven that. It's more likely that he is asking himself how much he loves you - if he is willing to commit and limit his freedom. Because he probably gathered that traditionally raised Asian women are generally easily jealous.

Originally Posted by Found999

....his friend from the base told me that he was told by him like "i love the woman but she can just make me mad sometimes", I am very jealous, and he told he is tired of me accusing him but whenever I told him like who started breaking my trust???he will stop talking. He has some plans for us to be together by next year but for me,if he has all these things for us, why is he treating me like cold and ignored? Isn't if you are doing everything for this person all you have to do is to nurture the relationship with love and affection??? now why does he give me every other day attention??? if you were me, you will just think like he is cheating right???

What do you think are the things that you do that drives him mad? Any ideas? Ooh! I have one - maybe being too nosy, easily jealous and paranoid. (I'm guilty of that myself). We may come across as controlling and having a low self-esteem. But that's not the (only) case - it's mostly our upbringing. So, sweetie, try to work on your self-esteem more and be able to tell yourself, "so what....I'll be okay without him", even if it hurts. Love yourself, put your heart first. Find a new hobby (i.e. photography, belly dancing, etc.) and pursue that. Pamper yourself.

Personally, I might be suspicious, but I will give him the benefit of the doubt. I would keep trusting him but I will not wait forever and I'll make sure he knows that. Stop being paranoid. If you love him, set him free...if he comes back, he is yours forever.... The worse thing you can do is to accuse him of something that isn't true. Chill out and get busy with yourself.

Have you finished college? Do you have any marketable skills that you can use to find a job if ever you get to the US? If not, then it's time to develop that and achieve something for yourself. What type of visa are you trying to get? You should be able to get a fiancee visa if he is serious. Military personnel get some extent of special attention/assistance when it comes to getting their loved ones to their location. It is good that he has plans for the two of you. Capitalize on that thought and send him your love through your thoughts.

Thanks so much again!!! Yeah, that makes him crazy my jealousy and suspicious mind... but he knew me before hand that I am really like that because of my hard past. Don't you think he is suffering from any depression or insanity??? or did his family asked him to forget about me???

I am a college graduate and working in a medical field... I tried to get the tourist visa, I can't be with him as a fiancee because my first relationship has not been annulled yet. And you are right when you said they don't give up their freedom right away, he thought I am very possessive and controlling, one time I called him and he said this " I will do whatever I wanna do, and nobody can stop me from doing whatever I want... I am not a cheater and I don't care if you get pissed, get pissed if you want"...it wan't the man I used to have before... he didn't even want me to get mad at him and he didn't even want us to fight without saying sorry to each other before...now he doesn't care about my fumes and madness... why sudden change? I am sad and disappointed...he wasn't the man before that I always see online, the man who gives me love and respect... and I can sense something isn't really right... did he become addict in hurting me???

Originally Posted by Found999

Thanks so much again!!! Yeah, that makes him crazy my jealousy and suspicious mind... but he knew me before hand that I am really like that because of my hard past. Don't you think he is suffering from any depression or insanity??? or did his family asked him to forget about me???

I don't think that's the case. If he is in so much stress right now, he won't have the time to deal with other things (i.e. your paranoia). You should keep yourself preoccupied with things you enjoy doing so you can give him space. You need it as much as he does. You can't use your past experiences as an excuse for life. You should work out your own issues such that it does not become your baseline or model for your future. It's not healthy. I mean, learn from your past and take your time to heal so that you do not string your garbage along in to your new relationship - it's not fair to both of you.

Originally Posted by Found999

I am a college graduate and working in a medical field... I tried to get the tourist visa, I can't be with him as a fiancee because my first relationship has not been annulled yet. And you are right when you said they don't give up their freedom right away, he thought I am very possessive and controlling, one time I called him and he said this " I will do whatever I wanna do, and nobody can stop me from doing whatever I want... I am not a cheater and I don't care if you get pissed, get pissed if you want"...it wan't the man I used to have before... he didn't even want me to get mad at him and he didn't even want us to fight without saying sorry to each other before...now he doesn't care about my fumes and madness... why sudden change? I am sad and disappointed...he wasn't the man before that I always see online, the man who gives me love and respect... and I can sense something isn't really right... did he become addict in hurting me???

He's not addicted to hurting you. He is just probably in so much stress - as you said....but, it is not excuse for him to disrespect you and not tell you what's going on with him. My opinion stands - give him some air... don't invest so much time and emotion on him if he treats you like this already. Personally, this is a red flag for me. A man shows his real self when under stress. He is under stress now and this is how he acts - can you deal with this for life? I can't and I won't. How about you?