Thread: Returning

Hi everyone,
My name is Kat, I was on here a little while ago but fell off the wagon on visiting/commenting & participating in the forum. Things got so crazy that I didn't have the time to keep up with my computer. But now I'm back & sadly my situation has not changed much since I last wrote.

I am still living with my boyfriend of almost 5 years. We broke up 2 1/2 years in after I left due to being fed up. At the time he didn't have a job & had fallen into this horrible slump. He also has a bad anger problem that just added to the misery & I eventually left. We were apart for about 5-6 months but then after I had tried to ignore things & just do the normal post-breakup distractions (going out everynight, staying away from reality), I realized I needed to talk to him as we never really did (I just left). After talking, he confessed how much he missed & loved me and would do anything to get me back. He apologized for his anger, said he would work on it as best he could & try to make things better. He got a job & starting taking better care of himself & things seemed wonderful. We started dating again & at the time we lived with his family (we had been living there post-breakup together for the majority of those 2 years). Things went well & after another two years there, his family announced they were moving away so we had to act. We got an apartment together near town & decided it would be a good step anyway.

As time has progressed after getting back together, things have resurfaced from pre-breakup problems. His anger creeped back in & even though I tried to make excuses for it & force myself to believe it wasn't as bad anymore, it continued to be the same as it has always been. In a lot of ways we had come a long way but those things that made problems in the past just came back. We are not coming up to our second year in this apartment, and I have to admit it has been this last year that things have really been rocky. For some reason, it's actually been in just the last few months that I've really begun to face that maybe we just aren't meant to be. I keep trying to convince myself that things have changed & some days it seems that way, but just as I get excited something else happens to remind me that they just haven't. I'm completely conflicted inside now because things are so complicated. Instead of before, when we didn't share expenses or bills, we now have shared obligations that are making everything so much harder. To make it even worse, I've been battling with this teeter-tottering of "to leave or not to leave" inside myself & I doubt he even knows how serious it is. The reality hit me after me & him had this talk a few months ago where HE suggested we needed to work on the relationship because he wasn't happy. This was before I really understand that we didn't HAVE to be together. Up until this point, it just seemed like there was no other choice.

I tried to change things about myself & before I knew it, I realized that he was trying to turn me into something else. For the last few months, we've had heated arguments but then it all just goes back inside & we go about normal activity. I have a horrible time trying to communicate & coupled with his aggression toward anything he doesn't want to hear, it's been difficult to talk about any problems. His anger escalates from 0-100 which often scares me & takes away my confidence to say anything. I'm going back & forth everyday about what to do.

But tonight, I think i realized that I'm getting absolutely nothing out of this. I do everything for us, despite him being 3 years older, he's much more childish. Right now he's the one with the job making money because I'm finishing up school. I have no income so he basically pays all the bills. The only thing is, he kind of uses this against me as his go-to when we have fights. Anytime I say that I'm tired of doing so much, he brings up "paying my own bills then". But take today for an example. I scrubbed the tub, cleaned the house, took all of our laundry to the laundromat, did every household chore that had been stacking up (recycling, etc etc) & actually (per his request) went out and got him food, as well as other chores he was putting off. The entire day he basically sat on his because "he's on vacation". Even though I'm also on vacation, I have school work to finish & then everything i just mentioned to take care of. I take care of the bills, I take care of everything. Without me, nothing would get done.

I know this is long...but I just am reaching out. I've been talking to friends & family, but for some reason I just can't make any headway into getting myself to do the right thing & tell him how I feel. Instead I just continue my day to day, acting like everything's fine & we continue to have sex. I have to admit, I feel like I'm going a little insane..