"I love you" too soon?

**Hibiscus11** · 11-27-2011 11:50 PM

I've been dating someone for about a month and a half, and after about three weeks in, he asked me to be his girlfriend and we slept together.

About a week ago, he called and said he had a confession. He came to the realization that he had a drinking problem, and that he loved me and didn't want there to be any secrets between us if we were going to go forward with this relationship. He said I was one of the best people he's ever met. That "you have no sin in you." I told him I also loved him and we both said it several times over the past week.

Then, after having to pry it out of him for the past 2 days, he told me tonight he thinks he said it too soon. That we haven't been dating long enough to say it.

He's still affectionate/touchy feely with me all tonight. Before we had that talk, wee went out and he reached down to hold my hand while we were walking. He was sad when we said goodbye tonight (we only get to see each other on weekends because he works til 2 AM Monday-Thursday). I texted him goodnight when I got home tonight and he did as well.

I'm very inexperienced when it comes to men and relationships. I don't know how to "play the game", as they say. I don't know how to interpret things. I have had one other serious-ish relationship before where I was pretty much phased out. I am terrified of this happening to me again. I don't know what to do with what he told me tonight. Part of me is devastated and feels like I'm getting jerked around. Another part says to give it time and let it play out.

Any advice would be wonderful.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-28-2011 07:08 AM

First: Slooooow down. Is there a time limit on these things? No...but you're dealing with someone here who is unstable, who ADMITTEDLY has an alcohol problem and is most likely an alcoholic. You're dealing with someone who is impulsive, who jumps into things, then shuffles around in and out, in and out, of what he feels. One day he feels one thing, the next day he feels something different. These are all signs of someone with serious emotional issues.

It's been a month and a half, is this really where you want to be in a month and a half old relationship? Having to force "I Love You"'s? This should be a getting to know each other time.

I don't doubt this guy likes you. But there are SERIOUS red flags here. Not yellow ones telling you to proceed with caution, but RED ones telling you to stop. 1. He has an alcohol problem. This should not be taken lightly. As someone from a family of many alcoholics, let me tell you, you don't want to live your life as the co-dependent enabler of an alcoholic partner. You do NOT want to marry an alcoholic. You do NOT want to raise children with an alcoholic. 2. He's impulsive, then retracts. He says I love you WAY prematurely, then retracts it as if its "too soon". If you FEEL like you're being jerked around...you are. 3. He seems very emotionally unstable.

So, what is it about him that makes you want to be with him?

**Hibiscus11** · 11-28-2011 08:22 AM

Not trying to make excuses for him, but he doesn't actually drink that often. Once or twice a week, according to him. I know he does have emotional issues, and his background was not ideal either.

(Again NOT trying to make excuses, I don't know if that makes a difference or not)

I'm just terrified of being phased out like I was in my previous relationship.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-28-2011 08:40 AM

He TOLD you he has a drinking problem. Take his word for it.

Aside from his issues, you jump in too fast, get too attached too quick, probably come off as a bit clingy (sorry, I don't mean for that to sound harsh and it's purely speculation and may not be the case at all) and that can be alot of pressure on the other person. When you jump in and get ALL of yourself right off the bat, it's easy for the other person to feel tremendous pressure and lose interest. I think it's important to realign your focus. Right now, the focus seems to be you want to be wanted and accepted and be in a serious relationship. I think you're equating your self worth to your relationships. The focus NEEDS to be, you want to be HAPPY whether it's alone or with someone but that you're not going to ignore red flags just to have someone to be with.

**Aeryn Sun** · 11-28-2011 11:05 AM

The 3-A's, Adultery, Addiction and Abuse are the top three hardest things for people to deal with in a relationship and often lead to it ending.
If you aren't that attached, and he is already admitting Addiction, It may be a good time to break it off before you get in deeper.

**Little** · 11-28-2011 11:11 AM

You could spend this relationship trying desperately to avoid the same ending your last one had. It's tempting; I've done it. But it's sooo not healthy. Instead, you should focus on what YOU NEED in a relationship. General compatibility. I do suggest you give it time, give it a little patience, but do NOT ignore the red flags. Take what he says, especially when drunk at face value. Don't assume he's playing a game (especially if you don't want to have to play too!)