Having a hard time leaving..

**katzintheclouds** · 12-10-2011 08:36 AM

Hey guys..

I feel like I frequent these boards, and waver back & forth from one thing to another. One minute I'm so sure things are beyong repair, the next I'm completely confused. I've got so much going on right now in my life that it's hard to comprehend making any sig. steps out of a 5 year relationship no matter what's happening. I graduate in less than 10 days from my university, I'm trying to find a full time job after being a full-time student for two years, living off of my boyfriend's income. We've lived together for 3 years, we are in a lease til May, we sleep together, continue to have sex & while we fight, it seems to just sweep away. Lately as I've been feeling more confident, fighting has gotten less frequent because I've been more aggressive in stating my case & ending the fight. Before I wouldn't do that so it would just stew forever. That's caused things to flow better, but a lot of the reason we haven't been fighting is also because I've been so keen on staying busy outside of the house & he's been working a lot.

One minute I feel like we can't survive & it's over for good, I should just walk out. Then the next minute, we're sitting together cuddled on the couch laughing at a movie we've seen a million times. I feel like I'm in a double-feature movie that keeps switching themes. I think the majority of it is because a) we lived together, b) we are hot & cold, c) i'm being bi-polar about it & acting like everything's fine when i'm with him and d) we've been together so long, our lives are intertwined...

plus i've got three finals, a huge presentation coming up & just so much to focus on...i honestly feel like i should just wait to do anything until after that stuff gets settled, but my concience is eating me up..

**caterpillar79** · 12-10-2011 11:34 AM

Maybe try to go on vacation on your own to see how you really feel about him. Do you love him - his good and ugly side?

Marriage is kind of the same. You lived together already - that is how it's going to be when you are married. Unless you do not intend to marry, I'd say, move on and try a new recipe. But seriously speaking, life is cruel sometimes. You can't have all the good times all the time. You also have those down moments when you just fell like blah. Actually, these dull moments make you appreciate the loving times you have together all the more.

How do I know? I'm in the down right now and next week is our 2nd year wedding anniversary and I feel like taking off and just vanish. But tell yourself, this, too, shall pass....you'll be back in each other's arms happily again. It's like the rise and fall of the tide, sweetie.

However, if you:
1. Do not feel loved and respected
2. Do not love him anymore
3. Do not have a good, honest, open communication
4. Feel like you are stagnating with him and not growing together, emotionally, spiritually, etc..
5. Don't see yourself marrying him and he wants otherwise,

Please tell him and yourself to move on and pursue separate lives. But if love remains, and you still care for each other, those bad times are just there - they really are just a part of life. What is your real concern? What is the root - cause of your fights - have you both tried to work it out? What is his attitude when things like this happen - is he dismissive? What really irks you? More info, please.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-10-2011 01:26 PM

Prioritize for now.

With all that's going on, I sense you are happy with those progresses, where they are going, can see a future.

Then when laughter comes to play, you question yet you already knew previously it wasn't good for you, the fights, etc, hense why you've become more ascertive not aggressive.

The questions are based on 1) you being overwhelmed with life outside of this and 2) the years you spent together.

And, then there is fear... Fear of being on your own, fear of May is not that far away, decisions.

Concentrate for now on passing your assignments, May is in-deed along way away.

Concentrate on you, make it all about you... You'll have the answer once you are not so over-whelmed and can see, think clearly, keep being assertive.

**katzintheclouds** · 12-10-2011 08:57 PM

I've been contemplating the possibility of going on that hiatus, without fully breaking up, just to see where I am like you said. The hard part is that I am not worried about how I will handle leaving, other than some minor..well maybe a little bit more than minor..things. I think the PRIORITIES are set out, and I have the major things to worry about covered. I'm currently looking for a full-time job, I've put a lot of applications out there & I'm pretty determined. I've gained a lot more self-respect in the last few months simply because I"ve been thinking about this for a long time & I'm tired of being such a pushover that I used to be. I've got a place to stay, it's almost waiting for me. I used to live with one of my best friends but then my bf & I got a place together. I really don't feel like we'd be able to get married & be compatible, I pretty much know now that it wouldn't change no matter how much he would try to convince me otherwise. One of my friends thinks he wants me to be the bad guy, and that he might feel the same way I do, especially since he's said in the past that he's not sure about marriage, and where we'd be going because of that.

When things happen, they typically get heated. If I do something "wrong", he gets very upset. Sometimes I worry I'll say the wrong thing, or talk out of turn too harshly & he'll yell when we're in private or criticize me for making him look bad. I felt like the past moments that were tough, I always used the excuse that they'd get better, and they may have, and i felt releaved...but then something else happened & we were back there again. After so many times, I just feel like I've had enough of excuses.

In my heart, as sad as it is to say it, I feel like there's just no way to save it. I haven't communicated that with him, because as I said..I've got a thousand other things to worry about right now about my future, that ARE more important. I think in a way that I'm being very grown up, but I'm still hanging a little by a thread.

**katzintheclouds** · 12-10-2011 09:21 PM

And Chandler's Wish, I am happy with my progresses. In a way, the troubles at home pushed me to my studies because they helped me escape. In this last semester I became very involved in school, started falling deeply into my studies & realized what I wanted to do with my life, or at least what direction I want my career to go into. I developed a strong bond with a number of position role models like teachers & such. There is a great big fear like you said..and yeah, that looming lease of our apartment. Plus just fear overall, as you said, of leaving a 5 year relationship behind. I've also never been on my own, really. I've always been in a relationship. It would be a huge huge huge change..and one that would make me want to just enter another, out of that fear. But I guess I need to try to keep myself focused on all of the things I want, and that progress in the other areas of my life.

Thank you.

**caterpillar79** · 12-10-2011 09:33 PM

Your priorities are set, so go forth and make sure you accomplish. getting your own place would be great as well. So, why don't you make that #2 in your list. I think at this point, you can politely and safely say, you need some space so that you can finish up all that need to be done both in school and job applications.

I do hope though that you can find in your heart the courage to be true to yourself and to be able to be upfront with him about it - when you are ready. However and whenever you do it, parting is always going to be painful and sad, as the case may be.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-10-2011 10:45 PM

Originally Posted by katzintheclouds

And Chandler's Wish, I am happy with my progresses. In a way, the troubles at home pushed me to my studies because they helped me escape. In this last semester I became very involved in school, started falling deeply into my studies & realized what I wanted to do with my life, or at least what direction I want my career to go into. I developed a strong bond with a number of position role models like teachers & such. There is a great big fear like you said..and yeah, that looming lease of our apartment. Plus just fear overall, as you said, of leaving a 5 year relationship behind. I've also never been on my own, really. I've always been in a relationship. It would be a huge huge huge change..and one that would make me want to just enter another, out of that fear. But I guess I need to try to keep myself focused on all of the things I want, and that progress in the other areas of my life.

Thank you.

Teachers and such that take you on, do so as they see, the fire in the belly, to succeed

There is nothing to fear of being on your own, not having to tend to someone, pick up after them, is bliss

If he has run his time with you, as it seems he has, there are so many fish out there but don't jump... This is your turn to shine, all you will be doing is progressing further into your life, the one you almost gave up because of a guy...

**jns** · 12-11-2011 04:37 AM

Since you brought it up, I think you feel obligated to your boyfriend since he supported you during the last two years of university. This may be taking a toll on your independence and self confidence and in turn that may be taking a toll on your relationship. Once you get a job, expect your relationship to enter a new phase. It may be better to wait instead of making decisions when you are under pressure from your studies. The standard way to cope is to lessen the number of things you have to deal with, but you may not like the results if you act too rashly on this issue. See if your bf is willing to put everything on hold while you finish your studies.

**katzintheclouds** · 12-11-2011 05:35 AM

jns, you're right in that one major reason I haven't done anything, stood up for myself or made a big deal out of feeling like a maid around the house, is because I did not work over the summer & have been in school instead of a full-time job. Even though I spent Mon-Fri most weeks at my university, which is 45 minutes away from my house, I still took care of everything at home. I woke up everyday, took care of the dogs, took care of my things to make sure I was ready for school, did all my school work & also had a job on campus as a student mentor, where I met with 5 students routinely to check in at how they were doing at school. I had several upper level classes, and spent a LOT of time with school work..especially because it's my final semester. BUT you're right in that I felt obligated to do everything around the house, and not complain about all the mess left everywhere. He lost all capacity to clean anything. Leaves dirty food packages on the counters, leaves random empty soda bottles around..but I always picked them up, he's used to that now because it's been that way since last year. But now I'm graduating, and I'm going to be getting a job. Part of me does want to see what happens, to see if his attitude about cleaning & such will change. In the last month, I've stopped doing so much here. I've been leaving his mess, and leaving his stuff where he throws it. If he wants to be in a clean house, he'll clean up his mess. I figured he can't complain about it because it's all his, and if he dare does, I'll point that out in a heartbeat. I have stopped talking to him about it, I've just ignored it like it isn't there. I do our laundry, he never does it, but that's okay to me because he does work a lot. But when I'm done, and I bring it home folded, he never would do anything to help me despite how busy I am and how much I needed to study when I got back. So you know what I did? I came home, put my clothes away, and neatly stacked his on the bed. When it came time for him to go to bed, he put them away.

Do you see that I feel like someone's mother? And that I'm learning coping strategies that a mother might do to make her child clean up? It's rather sad. But I feel like working or not, I would still have to deal with these things. I've also been working in the past 5 years with him, and HAVE seen how he acts while I am working full-time.

But you are correct, I'm trying to get out from under that burden of not leaving because I owe him something. Up til this point he acts entitled to be as messy and lazy around the house as he wants because "he works all the time and makes all the money". I'm hoping that in finding a job, I'll def. get a boost of confidence. Wish me luck with the job search!

**jns** · 12-11-2011 05:58 AM

He may not do that to his mother because she would not stand for it. It sounds like what he is doing is for control. That type of behavior is probably not going to get better but there is a possibility it will. Good luck on your job search. What is your degree in?