Worried about my friend...

**a_dub** · 12-14-2011 11:50 PM

Hey ladies, I'm a young man and one of my boys has some issues and I'm not sure if he should seek professional help or not.

Basically all the guys in my crew (5-6 of us) are the same age (late 20s, early 30s), we've all be friends since grad school and we hang out often. 2 of us are married, and the rest of us are either dating or looking on the scene. Except my buddy "Carl".

Carl is turning 30 next year, has never had a steady girlfriend and has had his heart broken a few times. He's a great guy, albeit very indiciplined in his personal life. He's messy, pretty lazy asides from his job although he goes to the gym and is in pretty good shape. He's an average looking guy, and when we're hanging out we always talk smack about each other like guys usually do. He's a goofy fellow and as such we pick on him more than we do on anyone else, but he seems to like it, and he knows we do it out of love. But lately, he's been confiding in me that he doesn't have a lot of confidence around women and that is beginning to warp his image of them.

He's a very outgoing character when we're out of just hanging out at one of our houses. Our significant others initially found him a tad bit over the top, but eventually they've grown to love him as much as we do.

Now the problem.

He's a known porn addict. We always tease him about it, and its not like we've never watched ourselves, but we think he might watch it too much. He himself has admitted he probably has a problem but shrugs it off.

Recently I asked him if he would like me to introduce him to this woman I work with and occaisionally meet up with for coffee. He told me he wasn't interested. I asked him what was up, and then he told me that he would rather sit at home and enjoy the certainty of his vast porn collection than confront the possibility of rejection with a real live woman. I was dumbfounded until he dropped a bigger bombshell.

He went on to claim that he is very resentful of attractive women because he can never have one, and that is why he doesn't bother to pursue women anymore. He has in the past gone after girls and he's always been shut down. But we figured hey, we've all been rejected and dumped more times than he's even looked at a girl and we're OK. But now I beginning to worry for my friend that he might be developing some unhealthy complexes.

Any advice from a female point of view would be appreciated.

**sp346** · 12-15-2011 07:58 AM

Could be just something he is going through. Did he have a bad breakup recently? If so, then he just needs time and support to get over it.

Porn addition, that is a complicated issue. What constitutes as addiction? How many hours of TV do most people watch everyday and how they go crazy if the TV breaks down or there is no electricity for a few days. But we never call it an addiction. So maybe he likes watching porn 2 hours a day. As long as it doesn't interfer with his regular life, I don't think that is the issue. It appears there are other issues relating to his image of women and being rejected. Watching the porn is just an outlet to those issues, its not the issue in itself. Not sure it needs professional help yet, although it never hurts. He may just need support of his friends and family. Don't rag on him so much. Even people who look like they are fine with it, are often hurt by it. The comments start to slowly seek into them and after hearing "your fat" "who would want to date you?" etc, even though said jokingly, they start believing it. It sounds like he need a confidence boost.

Maybe he also needs to hear the same remarks he is making from a woman so he realizes that women are in the same boat of being rejected and feeling undesirable.

**lizzardb63** · 12-15-2011 10:28 AM

It sounds like he has self esteem issues, which could be very related to your constant "picking" on him. As SP said, even though it's jokes, but if heard enough you will start to believe it. Have any of your girlfriends or wives tried to sit down and talk to him about what women are all about? Not EVERY woman he persues is going to be head over heels...that's just the way of life. We've all be rejected. I am thinking he just isn't meeting the right type of women.

As for the porn, does he view women as sex objects? Porn isn't about building relationships and getting to know someone. It's about physical desires, sometimes abusive and disrespectful actions. Although everyone has physical desires, some explicit, but that isn't everything. To subsitute real relationships with porn makes me wonder if he has the wrong idea of what women are about. When he was with his past girlfriends, did he put the time in to build a true relationship, or were they mostly physical relationships?

If this addiction doesn't end soon and he is definately replacing relationships with porn, it would be a good idea to seek help. I am just trying to think of what might drive him to do this. I understanding being hurt can temporarily make someone resent people, but if it becomes a permanant thing, I feel that's where there is a problem.

**a_dub** · 12-15-2011 01:23 PM

Allow me to clarify:

By he's never had a steady girlfriend, I was being nice and sugar coating it. He's never had a GF period. Never even been on a date of any sort. He claims he's always been shy, and we can tell when he first met our WAGs (wives and girlfriends) he's a bit shy and even clumsy. But nothing outrageous. And when he gets to know them, he's quite good at keeping us all entertained and rolling out of our seats. But he changes totally around women he doesn't know or that he finds attractive. We've all noticed this. He almost goes into a shell, and of course women like confident guys who don't act awkward.

He's only asked a handful of girls out in his life. I don't know the exact number, maybe a half dozen??? But he says he usually gets the "Sorry, I already have a BF" routine every time.

How can we get him to be more outgoing? I think I'll tell my buddies wives to talk to him and try and convince him that he just to put himself out there more and that someone is waiting for him to sweep her off her feet.

**leahbia_83008** · 12-15-2011 02:09 PM

are there any speed dating groups in your area? he doesn't have to find his soul mate, or even talk to these women ever again for that matter, but it might open him up to feel more comfortable talking to new, unfamiliar potential partners.