Thread: My boyfriend's not in love

I have found that when in a new relationship, many get that Euphoric " In Love " Feelings at first, which really tends to be more of a "Wild Crush ".

It takes time to really become " In Love " especially with each other and making it a Joint In Love, versus, one Loves the other more.

With him being 12 years older, there is definitely an age "Gap " in the relationship. It is easy for a young Woman to see the Maturity in a Man that is older. He will seem ( usually ) more Steady, Secure and Responsible.

In you, being 12 years younger, I'm sure he is seeing the Youthful, wide eyed, Exuberant Young Woman that you are.
You say he is More Experienced ? Has he been married, has Children, How many ex's or kids.?

How long has he been single ? How many relationships have you had, ever married ? Any Long term ones for you ?

Do you and he just Date or do you live together ? Have you talked Long Term like a Marriage or Children together ?

Answering some of these questions may help our Readers and Members, be able to add something to possibly help you with the answers or Advise you are seeking .

My first thoughts are that if you've only been together 8 months and he has already falling "out of love" with you, then he most likely was never IN love with you to begin with. He was, as most people are early on in a relationship, infatuated. Perhaps over time he's growing to love the person he is learning about and getting to know. It's hard to be in love with someone you don't know. I always have a hard time fully buying it when two people who just start dating suddenly claim they are head over heels in love.

My second thought was.... why is it that you felt the need to ask him if he was still in love with you? It makes me think that you must have been feeling unloved to some extent to even ask him that. So.....do tell.

Maybe ask him his definition of 'in love' vs love as that may vary from person to person. I love my boyfriend and I am IN love with him, and we have been together for a few years. For me, in love is that feeling when you blush when they look at you a certain way... when you get excited when your phone rings and you see its that person you hope it is , when you genuinly miss them when you think of something to tell them and they aren't there. ETC ETC lol.. some may consider 'in love' being the 'infactuation stage' but I see in love as when you are attracted to... feel strongly for... and only for that one..

Of course those have different waves of strength.. those excited feelings... but to me, when you are in love... they appear frequently..of course they dissipate during an argument lol... nottt so much blushing when they look at you then right? But the point I mean is that you still get those flickers of butterflies... and you know you have all you want in a mate.

To me thats IN love.. loving is beyond that in love feeling... but I do not believe love and being in love have to be mutually exclusive... I think you can go from in love to love while staying in love... of course its not like the infactuation stage.. its BETTER... because you are still into the person, but now you also trust them, are comfortable with them and feel safe and secure with them as well.

But like I said this may just be a case of him having a different definition than you do for love vs in love. You may feel the same way but have different titles for what those feelings are so its best to have him elaborate.

Originally Posted by Belladonna

Hi to all..
I am 23years old and have been dating a 35year old guy for 8months now.Recently I asked him if he was still in love with me and he said no.At first I was a little shocked,as I still feel in love and also,a little hurt.He of course realised this and said to me "I dont feel the same way I did in the beginning of our relationship but my feelings are stronger and instead of being in love,I now love you." Later on it occured to me,that he is a grown man with many more experiences in life and relationships than I and that perhaps it is expected that the excitement and head-over-heels feeling that I,as a young girl feel,are not there for him anymore.I was just wondering what other peoples' thoughts were on this matter?Has he fallen out of love too soon or is it the natural course of things?

This is strange and in fact two things are not mutually exclusive: to love and to be in love and these are variants of the same idea and I wonder what your boyfriend meant when he said he loves you but is not in love and this is mockery. What is more you must be a sweet lady who wants emotions, passions, love and sex together and he might have already gone through with his ex lovers or the like. Regardless of this he still has a wealth of experience and he may know better to satisfy you sexually and where naïve lovers fail he may succeed to arouse you and thrill you and gripe you deeply. I do not know this deeply and I just think like this since I myself am a novice in this act of love and sex

Hi
According to scientific research the falling in love stage will only last form 6 to 24 months. After that it becomes a Family type love where long term bonds are built and maintained.
What is probably more important to the longer relationship is that you see him performing bond building behaviours. Does he regularly touch you, compliment you and nurture you. These behaviours are more important to the long term relationship because they help to form long term love.