am i just crazy or is it something more...

**megan102** · 12-29-2011 10:35 PM

I have been with my current boyfriend for a little more than 3 years. We have lived together for around 2 and during these 3 years i have had very little reason to believe he has/is cheating nor did i ever really consider it. He is 6 years older than me, i am 22 and he is 28. He discusses his past with me regularly and i don't mind this, i like knowing things about him.

He has told me about several (maybe 5?) girls that he has been good friends with since highschool..however he only still talks to 2 of them one i have met and one i have not. The one i have not met is married with a child and they only communicate once every 3 or 4 months and he usually tells me about it.

About 2 months ago, i got the urge to snoop through his phone because i felt like he was being shady..it turns out that he had called her and talked to her for about 10 minutes..what makes it shady is he made up an excuse to leave the house and call her (i know because i looked at the times)..i didn't say anything and just continued to observe..well the next day i had to work and he didnt and i came home and checked his phone and saw he had called her a couple times then texted "can you talk" then she texted back "im at the gym. did you still want to do something tonight?"

Well, i confronted the issue and he said he never hung out with her and even if he did they were just friends and that she wanted to meet me. So a few days go by and he gets a text from her saying "are you and your gf still coming tomorrow?"..he never asked me to go anywhere and as far as my snooping goes this is the last they have talked since october..but of course he could always be deleting calls/texts. Now, i know this girl is married and its clear that she knows we are dating but he told me about a year ago that her husband is no good and that she cheats on him from time to time..red flag!

I have never asked if they have been anything more then friends before but he did mention in convo that he tried dating a few of the girls he was friends with but never her...for some reason this has been eating away at me and i do not want to have this mistrust in him for no reason if they are in fact just friends and nothing else. When i confronted the previous issue he even wrote me a long letter about how hurt he was that after 3 years i dont trust him and he would never ruin our relationship.

I just feel in my heart that he was purposely talking to her only when i wasnt around and as crazy as it sounds if they are such close friends maybe that are meant to be together..i don't know the more i sit around and think about it the crazier my thoughts get. I just need an outsiders opinion please.

**caterpillar79** · 12-29-2011 10:49 PM

Granted his ego was hurt because you felt the need to 'snoop' on his phone and mistrust him, but you did feel the gut feeling that something is going on. I don't think you are wrong for feeling that way, but have you not snooped, would you feel otherwise?

If he was more open to you about everything, introduced the two of you and went out together - would you feel better? Your insecurity is understandable, such that this 'friend' of his is a girl and has a cheating record, and your bf is/has kept their communication in the shadows. Sit him down, apologize that you snooped and then tell him how you feel. Let him know what you want from him so that you don't mistrust him. Find a common ground. If this goes on, respect and trust will be scarred and if that happens, it's not going to work.

Best of luck, dear.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-30-2011 01:17 AM

Well, I would tell him this.

It is all very good to send me a heartfelt letter of how you feel..Yes, I was wrong to "snoop" but the "gut feeling" told me to... What I found was, "are we still meeting tonight?" We live together and you choose/chose to lie, as you would have gone and met with her, and told me something completely different.

So, if you want to ask me why after 3 years how dare I? I say, how dare you, lie..Regardless of your stance with this woman... When someone you are together with chooses to lie you can not trust them, now can you.

Relationships are about honesty, plain and simple.. Without that, there can be no trust.

See what he says.

**lizzardb63** · 12-30-2011 08:03 AM

I agree with CW and Caterpillar. While it is wrong to snoop, and you recognize that, there is a reason why you felt you NEEDED to. I can't blame you for feeling that way. I'd be nervous about it too. As the other girls said, sit down and talk to him. When you're in a committed relationship there are no secrets. My fiance is good friends with a girl and they have liked each other in the past (at different times so that's why they never dated), but he was always very open about it and introduced me to this girl when we first started dating. I am now friends with her too. The past is the past, we all need to realize that, but what he does from the moment he committs himself to you is what really matters. Tell him you want to meet this girl and that you understand he is going to be friends with women, but there shouldn't be any secrets and no "going behind your back." By asking him to let you know when they talk or make plans is not being controlling, it's just asking him to be honest with you.

**Hopeless Dork** · 12-30-2011 02:43 PM

Snooping isn't right. We all know that and we all know girls that snoop for no dang reason at all. But for most, there is something... a feeling. We are VERY intuitive creatures. On top of that we pay attention to detail. We notice changes in behavior, tone of voice, sudden departures from typical routine etc. Sometimes its vague, sometimes it is obvious. But rarely do we want to start drama over a hunch so many will look... snoop, if you will... to confirm or calm the growing fear that there is something truly wrong.

They say if you dig, you find. And that is true - but I think its only true because if you are digging -- you already know somethings fishy... know what I mean? He hasn't done anything that you've found that is enough to believe he's unfaithful or will be in the future.

But if he is acting suspiciously, snooping won't solve the problem --- only add the confusion. So its best to just, when you get those feelings in your gut. To ask, then and there... to discuss how you feel and whats bothering you or worrying you and to just pay attention to how he treats you and makes you feel.

No one wants to be made fool of , I guess thats why we always want to nip something in the bud so that some man isn't playing us. It's natural, but a horrible, horrible way to live. If he's distant, deal with that issue. If he's neglectful, deal with that. But don't live in paranoia and fear... it will only ruin the happiness within yourself and kill off the relationship -- because if he is truly in love with you and doing no-wrong -- he will grow tired of feeling like he has a parole officer instead of a gf.

If he's doing wrong... it will come to the light. It will be clear in how he treats you. But digging for problems, just creates more trouble than its worth.

**megan102** · 01-02-2012 01:59 PM

Thank you all for the good advice. After the incident happened i did apologize but i told him that anything having to do with hanging out with other women friends or not i need to be aware of. He said okay and has assured me time and time again that he would never cheat SO now is the hard part of me choosing to believe this and move on! I always seem to analyze and over analyze every situation and keep picking it apart so this is difficult. It is very hard to trust someone. A couple of you did mention what if we met each other? Apparently from him she wants to meet me quite badly which to me seems...ODD. I do not want to meet this girl at all, not really sure why but i just really don't.

**lizzardb63** · 01-03-2012 12:07 PM

If you want your relationship to work, you NEED to trust him. If he says he won't cheat on him, believe him...until he gives you a reason for you to believe he is actually cheating on you, you need to give him the benefit of the doubt (Especially if he sticks to his word and tells you about him and his female friends). I think you should meet this girl (this is just my opinion). Maybe you'll find out she is actually a pretty cool person and see why your boyfriend likes to be friends with her. Perhaps you'll become good friends with her yourself. I think you really want to find peace in the situation you should get to know this girl too.

But this is just my opinion. Especially if you over analyze, at least then your mind won't come up with this super hot sex kitten...and you'll probably find out, she isn't, LOL