Unemployment

**sarasbluegroove** · 01-10-2012 07:07 AM

My boyfriend got a job 5 months after we both graduated, but nothing related to his major. We are both chemical engineers, i have an engineering job. He worked on contract being a secretary basically for the navy, and that ended in Dec. He's still on the hunt, but so far things aren't looking up. We are in New England, and there are very few jobs available for entry level engineers. He's obviously feeling miserable about himself, everyone else in our class either got a job, or went back to school, and the few that don't have jobs ( like maybe 2) are in the same boat as him. Most people from last years graduating class took technician positions, and are now competing with him for engineering jobs. Tech positions are even hard to come by.

He's extremely defensive when me, family, and friends try to help him. He doesn't welcome the help mostly because he's already doing what we suggest, but still, we might come up with things he's forgetting, but he gets so MAD when we suggest things that he's already done (how are we supposed to know?) He wants me to tell my mom to stop trying to help, but i feel guilty because she's just trying to help. She knows what we're going through. I don't know how to help him, and i don't know how to communicate to family and friends to have a little more tact with how they help. I'm unhappy because he's unhappy. This is ridiculous, we worked our asses off in school to get treated like by hiring managers. I have a job now, and it pays well, but the company sucks, but i don't want to start looking for other opportunities until he finds one. I just don't know what else i can do besides be supportive and try and find useful ways of helping. But then when he's already done something i suggest, he gets angry and defensive (which i can't blame him because when i was unemployed i did the same thing to my dad when he was trying to suggest things).

**BabyGirl** · 01-10-2012 08:28 AM

It is good your friends and family are trying to help with suggestions. But there is a way about it to as not have your BF, think they think he's stupid or lazy or not trying, not thought about that.

One way is to get your Friends & Family together or even one at a time. Have them Write their Hints or Suggestions. Not speak them , just write them down. Make sure they include positive things about BF, his qualities.

Like he's very Articulate or gets on well with others.
He has a knack with computers or tools.Likes to go bowling or work on his car.

Take all of the hints, suggestions, comments, compliments and compile them in a Neat " Mini Book ", like a Folder you's do for school,a Book report style.

On a Note here ***
It is very difficult to Argue with words in a Book or on Paper. You can Disagree with what you read , but you can't be defensive or mad at Words in Writing .But you can decipher why the words upset you .. There may just be a grain of truth in them or even a why didn't I think of that ?lol

With Page (1) as his qualities and positive attributes.

Give him the Mini Book and a Red Sharpie, so he can put a red X by the things suggested that he has already tried '

He may see a few things he hasn't tried or find something others think about him that he didn't consider a Possible Job Qualification.

( Just an Example )
He loves Biking the mountain trails, keeps his Bike Spotless and Tip Top shape. He could apply at a Bike store or Sporting goods store or even work from home Fixing and detailing Other Bikers Bikes. He could hire out as a Trail guide if he knows the back trails really well .

The key here is to have him realize he is qualified for more than just the " Tech " job he trained for, he needs to put himself out in the Job Market as Multi Faceted . If he's bored or depressed from Job hunting or searching , suggest he volunteer somewhere, Boys & Girls Club, Big Brothers, Habitat for Humanity, Helping Hands, type places, at least once a week.

He may just catch someones attention that knows someone who needs someone like him with his talents. He can still search for a job that he is " trained for " but also be employed and earning while that " Dream Job " is looking for him.

The Mini Book, is just a written guide, not people actually " Telling " him what he should or shouldn't do or try .

Make sure to tell your family and Friends , That the " Mini Book " is better than Speaking their thoughts to him. It's Non Confrontational and non Judgmental. Just a Guide. And ask them to refrain from asking him about his job search.

When he gets a Job , Any Job, he will tell them, it may not be the Job of his Choice, but he will have a better feeling about himself, just having work.

**jns** · 01-10-2012 09:45 AM

When I was unemployed many years ago, I searched for a job on my own for about 3 months with few interviews and no luck. Then, to get things going forward, I contacted a head hunting firm and signed up with them. They rewrote my resume so it was more digestible to managers and set me up on an interview with a company that had contacted them looking to fill a specific job. They coached me on how to approach answering the interview questions. I had to fill in any technical content. I got a job out of that interview. If I had went into the company and applied for the job with my personally made resume I doubt I would have got the job.

Spend money and get a professional to create a resume. There could be defects that aren't obvious to him or you. Get coaching on how to answer questions. Write down possible and probable questions and write concise and complete answers to them. Go over them before interviews.

Even in today's age, consider printing the resume on subtle resume stock and handing in resumes that way. I think it goes to effort. Emailing a resume that could be hand delivered will have it printed any way the recipient wants to print it. You can also mail it if you need to. Take properly printed resumes with you for each person who is interviewing you.

Good luck to him on his search. The job market is tough now. It is hard to stay motivated to be turned down once again. Many suggestions by people who haven't tried to get a job in the same field or with similar education are not helpful as there are differences in approach to different job openings.

After the bout of unemployment I went from trainer and technical writer to technician to engineer.

**azalea** · 01-10-2012 10:24 AM

I can understand his frustration. It makes me think of how I feel sometimes when people try to give me suggestions about a health condition I've been trying to diagnose for years. I get frustrated when people make suggestions like "Well maybe it's actually not good that you're doing this or this" despite having seen doctors and learned through trial and error. Sometime when people offer help with something you have been struggling with, it feels like people are doubting you or losing faith in you. I think that he's frustrated because he's trying as hard as he can, and when someone suggests something to him, it makes him feel like that person didn't give him the credit of doing everything he possibly could. I think I would get upset too.

I know you want to help, too. I had a different problem with my ex... he was somewhat of an unemployable deadbeat. He had no motivation to work, and I got sick of trying to help him, so I left. So I think it's good to hear about how hard your boyfriend is trying. It sounds like he is passionate about finding a career.

Maybe you should see how he does if you refrain from offering him help for a little while. Maybe tell him that he can approach you for help if he needs it, but don't offer it to him until he asks. Just until he has time to cool down and realize that he appreciates the help.

**BabyGirl** · 01-10-2012 12:50 PM

I feel allot of " Support " here

And Yes a "Job"

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-10-2012 12:50 PM

I think you have to 'respect' your partners wishes.

You've stated he is doing everything out of his power to get a job.. And, that jobs are hard to get..

If that was me and I was being constantly reminded that I don't have a job, I'd fall into depression because I would feel as if everyone thinks I am not worthy and I'm betting he's feeling like that instead of one of the un-lucky ones "for now"..

Respect his wishes, tell your family the above as if it was you and that you wish to respect his wishes and just be there for him when he 'asks'... a question...

If he totally gives up, then keep searching the net, papers for jobs and send off his resume, good point JNS, as an employer, It is a good thing when you see a great resume... Encourage him also that it's "okay" to get any job, you hate yours and one day will be trying to go somewhere else, a job is a job, our passions will eventuate.. And, encourage him to still laugh, feel like a man and not useless.

CW

**sarasbluegroove** · 01-10-2012 12:55 PM

Thank you everyone for your input. I actually tried something similar to what babygirl mentioned. My boyfriend had mentioned to me that he wanted me to shoot an email to my mom about not sending him anymore job apps (she just did a simple search trying to help, but obviously he had already found them). So, trying not to offend my mom, because she was just trying to help, i put together an email for both of our families that explained my bf's strategies and how hard he really has been working. I asked for suggestions on certain things and ideas, but i asked that they get directed to me so i can mediate, and send good ideas to my boyfriend. That way he doesn't have to read suggestions that he's been doing, and get upset.
He seemed to like it, and so did a lot of other family members. It gave them a nice update on what's been going on in his job search, without him having to relive the pain of being rejected (which is why he doesn't talk about it with anyone but me). Hopefully we can get some nice responses.

He is feeling exactly how azalea said, he wonders how stupid others think he is when they make simple suggestions. At the same time though, i wish he would pay more attention to what is written in his resume. I have gone over it before with him, and made it 10 times better just by changing the focus of his explanations, and changing the wording to sound more elegant and professional, but he still doesn't seem to realize THAT is what makes the change. I just spent over an hour with him editing his resume for his most recent job. He's terrible at writing in a way to make himself sound awesome, he just writes what he did. How can i tell him it's HOW you write it that's important?! I don't want to destroy his ego, he honestly just doesn't realize. Another thing that i don't think he understands completely is tailoring his resume to a job. I think he's still in the habit of just changing a line or 2 in the objective, but he really doesn't get down and dirty with changing some of the wording and and focus of the meat of his resume. I don't know for sure that he does or doesn't do it effectively, so i don't want to accuse him of not doing it, but i just helped him with a job that my dad will be putting his resume in for, and i was telling him what kinds of things he should write to tailor it, and i'm not sure if he does that for every job.

I will definitely make mention of professionally getting the resume and interview coaching done. It's still a bummer that he needs to resort to that and everyone else who found jobs from our graduating class did just fine, but it will definitely help. Thanks!

**jns** · 01-10-2012 01:04 PM

It sounds like you have the keys to resumes down. Maybe paying for a professional will get rid of some of the stubbornness. Sometimes we all don't listen to good advice.

**Maximus** · 01-12-2012 09:45 AM

First thing: Searching for a job is a job, i.e. you do it full time, with follow-up calls, mailings, building up contacts, etc...
This is important to have in mind, as the job seeker, who only do it every now and then, needs to really get into it.
The family and relatives need also to integrate this.
"Helping" as the family/relatives/gf/SO sees it can become a major distraction when one is overflown with tips and recipes.
Support and sensitivity are key for this group IMHO.

Coaching is certainly a great help. Most people find jobs through networking.
So whenever possible tap into your social network or professional network, this has proven to have a good success rate.

Another good tip is to look into interim jobs. Sometimes they can land a permanent job,
in addition to help re-building the self-esteem.

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