Lost in a relationship

**chesty2141** · 01-19-2012 08:45 AM

Ok so I'm kindof in a predicament with my relationship. I love my girlfriend very much but have gotten tired of her bad attitude, lack of sex, blunt sex when it happens, and laziness.
These all became an issue about 8 months ago and I have been patient. She has endometreosis so I know sex is not enjoyable for her. We have been going to couples therapy for our fighting and the lack of sex in our relationship has been brought up numerous times. It was suggested that she provides non penetrative sexual pleasures to me to semi put a balance in our sexlife but she strongly refused because she doesn't feel like it. When we do have sex its always a race for her to get me off and get herself off. We have sex roughly once every 2 weeks.
Next her bad attitude. She is always complaining for fusing at me about almost everything I do. Yet, I do so much in our household. She comes home from work and the only chore she has is cook dinner. I pick up her son, clean the house, do the dishes, bath her son, and put him to bed. Almost every night though there is something I did wrong apparentely. It is getting old and the only thing that seems to help is when we go to therapy weekly but I can't rely on that forever. Her nightly routine after coming home is cook, do schoolwork if any, then watch tv until about 1030.
She wants to get married and claims that it will make things better for us because its what she wants, but she can not grasp that if she wants marriage she needs to show me what I will get in a marriage. Not promise it. I love her and if she could be the happy energetic person she was when I first met her then I would marry her in a heart beat. The way things have been now I just want out. My predicament though is that her son I love as my own. He does not have a father so I am known as daddy. She lives with me and if we break up her and him would have no where to go. She makes good money but not enough to survive alone. I love him and he is a innocent child stuck in crossfire. I can't just put him on the streets and abandon him. I ultimately would like to have things work but they just seem to be running circles of misery without improvment unless putting a ring on her finger. That doesn't work for me. Any suggestions?

**lizzardb63** · 01-19-2012 09:18 AM

It sounds as if she is depressed. Has she ever talked to a doctor about depression? Marriage will not "make things better" and you can't fix them yourself. If she is not happy with her own life, that is something she has to fix for herself. You should not have to jump through hoops to make her happy. It just sounds like she is taking her frustrations out on you and you're her punching bag. It's not fair to you and it is also not fair to her son. If I were you, I'd sit down with her a discuss what in her life makes her that unhappy. What it is that stops her from being the happy go-lucky person she used to be. What has changed for her? I don't think it has to do directly with anything you are or aren't doing. Maybe this is something you can discuss in counseling.

**chesty2141** · 01-19-2012 09:44 AM

She is on antidepressants already prescribed through a doctor. I have tried talking to her and letting her know that I am unhappy with the way she treats me and it turned into her yelling at me saying that she is doing nothing wrong and its all me. She is very bad about stone walling. It has gotten to a point now that I have lost sexual interests in her. She has made attempts twice in the past 3 week that I have turned down. Just looking at her I can't build myself to it. I am a very jolly and energetic person but I have been so depressed lately and this has been on my mind non stop for months now.

**chesty2141** · 01-19-2012 09:52 AM

She also tells me that she wants diveristy from me and for me to take her out. I feel she has a hard time accepting that money is very tight for me and that I can't afford the lifestyle we have from our prior state we lived in. She says we don't have to spend money yet in the past my attempts to do things without opening my wallet were pointed out as being "stupid" and she won't do it. I honestly don't eve want to try anymore because my ideas get criticized. She wants me to get a second job my current job requires me to work random hours and occassional weekends at short notice. I can't do it and she can't accept that.

**lizzardb63** · 01-19-2012 11:52 AM

If you're already going to couples counceling, you've tried what you could to make her happy based off of what she tells you she wants, and she is still unhappy with you (I actually think she is unhappy with herself)...but that should not be your problem. It is not your responsibility to make her happy with her life. That comes from her. If she is unhappy SHE has to do something about it and can't rely on you to make her happier (yes you should be able to make her happy, but I am saying about her life in general). If she is already on antidepressants, perhaps she needs to get the dosage raised or try a different antidepressant. I have been on antidepressants since I was 15 and I know that after a while you either become used to it or it doesn't seem to work anymore. But again, that is not your responsibility. You can encourage her to do better things for herself and try to see things in a better light, but if she isn't willing to even try, then it may be time to move on.

It seems though that she still WANTS the relationship if she's made attempts to get sexual with you. It all depends on whether you want to stay or not at this point. The bottom line is she has to WANT to change, otherwise...it won't.

**kygirl** · 01-19-2012 11:57 AM

It sounds like quite the predicament. Sorry you have found yourself in this situation. It sounds like you are very willing to try to make things better, like you carry your share of the weight to help out and like you love her and her son. Maybe the counseling needs to be focused more on her attitude? I know she is on anti-depressants, which to be honest, when I was on them, made me just kind of blah. Not down, but definitely too mellow where I didn't care to really be myself. Maybe they have the same effect for her? The problem is...until she can figure out why she is so unhappy and can work on changing it and/or dealing with it, she is going to continue to be down. Drugs aren't supposed to be miracle workers. They should be used (in my opinion) to help balance you out enough so you can deal with other issues.

Perhaps she should go to therapy on her own in addition to the couples therapy. Has she said what makes her so unhappy? I definitely think this has to be resolved prior to entering into a marriage. Good luck to you!

**lizzardb63** · 01-19-2012 11:58 AM

Another idea is if she says "I want you to take me on a date" you can make it inexpensive by surprising her with a candle lit dinner and by renting a movie (Like dinner and a movie). It might not be "out" on a date, but its still something you could do. If she doesn't recognize the effort or yells at you for something like that, maybe you need to take a break, because you deserve to be appreciated.

**lizzardb63** · 01-19-2012 12:01 PM

kygirl is correct too. I was on a certain antidepressant and it made me really lazy and not take care of myself very well. Maybe she needs a different kind of couseling or to be put on a different medication. I feel for both you, because I've been in her spot and it's hard, but I can imagine how difficult it must be for you, especially with a child involved.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-19-2012 03:56 PM

Chesty.

Why don't you ask her to find the "date" nights/days suggestions and see what she comes up with.

I understand 1) Cysts hurt and maybe it's turned her off sex, but she has tried to instigate it 3 times in 3 weeks but you are now turned off by her, perhaps honestly, since September to now beating your head against a brick wall, you have lost the love for her, but not her son.

Why not try laughing when she goes off? Instead of tit for tat conversations? Why not visualise how it was in the beginning, and touch her arm, or stroke her hair and walk away... Just because.. Women are emotional creatures, we only want sex if we feel loved.

Ask yourself, do you show her love or do you show your "son" love but not as much to her and she sees that?

Having said all of that... I remember you stated she wanted to go to the Casino and she wanted to go out on her own...

I think this relationship somehow has lost total communication some time ago, became a tit for tat and no resolve in any situations as there has not been proper from either of you, communication.

Off course you need to laugh, you go on dates you can afford, she wants a "life" but she is not prepared to work more herself rather have you work more, even though you are working and taking care of the house and her child...That is selfish... She needs to be less self absorbed.. You said she couldn't survive on her own, and that she never had a man who had a car, a home.. Do you feel like she feels she won the lottery and want more, more, more?

I can't imagine how you feel, getting to know a little boy for what, a year and a half, and having to let go of that, if things don't work out... But, this is your life too... Maybe initially you can help them "a little" if need be, as you wouldn't have to feed 3, anymore... I don't know it's tough I can see that.

Just try to go back to the beginning, no tit for tat, bring out the photos and reminise, ask her to write down some things you can do, as dates go and find one that you agree with and comment "that's a good idea, let's do that" instead of no, no, no, no, ok... Let her in again but guard your heart a little... And, if you have been showing a whole lot of love to your "son" and not alot to her, then ask if that can be contributing to this.

Do you want it to work? Then eat humble pie and try to "work together" laugh at her and say "you're silly come here" when she goes off, reverse physcology.. Ask her how she is feeling... If you don't want it to work, then you have to realise, he's her child and you may never see him again, life goes on...

If it still fails, you deserve happiness but remember, all relationships take work, but if one is un-willing to play a part in making that work, there is nothing you can do.

**Pretty RI Lady** · 01-24-2012 06:12 AM

To me, it sounds like you're done. When kids are involved it makes things very difficult. If significant changes aren't made (and not just discussed but actions reveal a commitment of change from her), then I think you're done. I also know there are two sides to every story and what if you are the type of perfectionist who can do everything better than she can? You are the better shopper, the cook, etc. From experience, that is a big turnoff and leads to lethargy on the other person's part. You may not be like that, but again, we don't know both sides of the story. Maybe you harbor resentment because you cannot have the carefree sexual lifestyle that you desire, and she knows it? Your refusal of her advances can be due to a multitude of reasons. I hope things work out in a way that's best for everyone.