Thread: Unhappy in this relationship

Hi everyone. It has been a very long time since I have posted in this forum. It feels like a breath of fresh air to be back.

Since being gone I have given birth to my beautiful son, Jaxon. He is everything in my life.

Having said that, I hate to say I am very unhappy with the relationship I have with his father. There are a few of you who do know my situation up until now, and I bet you are probably disappointed to hear that I am still with him.

I am so unhappy in our relationship, I really would like to not be in it anymore. I think I would be happier if he and I were seperated and the emotional ties between us were cut. I know he will be a part of my life for the rest of my life because of my son, but I don't think I want him to be the one I spend the rest of my life with just because we have a son together. And that makes me feel like a failure to my son. I want him to have everything that I didn't have. I didn't have parents who were blissfully together. So I wish Erik and I could be, but I feel like the longer I stay the more depressed I become.

The issues between us are all emotional. There isn't any kind of betrayal, we are both loyal to one another, and for that I am grateful for. I am glad that the drama isn't caused because of someone else being in the picture.

I am just going to tell you about the last couple of nights and that should paint a pretty good picture of how our relationship is. Keep in mind that what I am about to tell you is a scenario that repeats pretty much once a week.

We had a big fight a week ago. We talked and for the last week we have both been doing very good with our attitudes and trying to be there emotionally for one another. Well, that was all ruined when I asked him for a small favor last night.

He made dinner, and left the casserole dish sitting out on the stove with food still in it. I had just finished cleaning the entire kitchen that day, so I asked him if he would please clean up after the dinner mess. His excuse was that he was kind enough to make us both dinner. (This is always his excuse. But when I am kind enough to make dinner, I still have to do the cleaning). After he tried to get away with not doing it, I told him in a very calm voice that if he didn't clean up after making the mess, I would be a little mad. (I feel it's inconsiderate to dirty the kitchen after I cleaned it, on top of not recognizing I cleaned the kitchen at all.) Now, you think this would be an easy fix issue if we both could come to some sort of compromise, right? No. It turns into a huge ordeal over me being unappreciative of him. When he starts throwing that around, that I am not appreciative of him working and paying the bills (while I am on unpaid maternity leave), I feel like he is trying to use that as an excuse to not clean up after himself. He also thinks that I only care about my feelings. He feels that nothing he does is good enough and that no matter how hard he tries he will never make me happy.

It really pisses me off that this got started over a dirty casserole dish. Really?

Here's a bit more insight on our relationship. A text message string from today:

Me: I don't know why we try anymore. We can't get along for more than a week.
Erik: I don't feel like you do try. I see you cleaned and did laundry. But as far as the same I told you bothers me you still do. Either you don't listen or you simply don't care. And I also feel like you can't set your feelings aside long enough to see anything else. Therefore I feel your efforts are the only thing you notice. Then comes lack of appreciation and everything else.

When I dissect his words, here is my thought process:

(Erik doesn't feel like I try.)
I do try. There are many times when he does things that bother me or upset me and I just let it slide because I have learned to pick and choose my battles. I do my best to keep up with the housework because I know he doesn't like to clean and his job is tough on him physically (although I feel that if I do all the housework myself, it takes away from my "me" time, especially now after I go back to work and with the addition of having a new baby, I really don't have any time for myself.)

(I see you cleaned and did laundry, he says)
He's recognizing it, but still chooses to NOT thank me or show appreciation in any way. He also is inconsiderate and makes messes, not caring about how much time I put into cleaning and folding laundry. He doesn't even say sorry, or says that he understands why I feel that way. Instead he turns it around on himself by saying...

( But as far as the same I told you bothers me you still do. Either you don't listen or you simply don't care.)
What he has told me bothers him is the fact that he feels unappreciated. He says it seems I don't notice that he goes to work and pays the majority of the bills. I asked him what did he want me to do to show appreciation? Is he looking for a "thank you"? Physical appreciation like hugs and kisses and closeness? How do you SHOW someone you are appreciative of them? I thought cleaning the house was a way I could show appreciation by taking some stress off of him. But he doesn't seem to notice I do that. I even tried to help him with bills by paying half of electric and half of rent during my maternity leave (while still having to pay my car payments). So how is that not helping him out? I DO listen and I DO care, but I feel like he doesn't recognize my efforts in our relationship, whether it be cleaning the house or trying to meet his needs physically.


Erik says (And I also feel like you can't set your feelings aside long enough to see anything else. Therefore I feel your efforts are the only thing you notice)
I do talk a lot about my feelings. But the reason I do this is because it takes blame off of him. Instead of pointing fingers I try to say that "I FEEL" because I don't want him to feel blamed in our discussions. And it's not that I only notice my efforts. The issue is I feel like HE doesn't notice my efforts, thats why I keep trying to point them out!!

(... Then comes lack of appreciation and everything else.)
I guess it does seem like I don't appreciate him when I am trying to point out my efforts to him IN AN EFFORT OF MY OWN to find appreciation from him. It's a vicious cycle!


So....overall I am VERY unhappy in our relationship. I would like to make it work but I don't know how.

How do I make him feel appreciated?
How can I get him to see my efforts?