How Rude!! Or Not......?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 02-05-2012 05:58 PM

Today being what it is, Super Bowl Sunday, I asked my boyfriend to come over to watch the Super Bowl. I didn't want to watch it, but told him he could hang out on the couch and watch it while I do other stuff. He seemed obliged to do so. He text me earlier today and said "Super Bowl starts at 5, I'll be over a little before that." I said "okay". I proceeded to clean and try to get some things done before time for his arrival. At a little after 3 oclock he rings my door bell, dog in tow, drinks in hand, and ready to plop himself on my couch. I was instantly perturbed that he hadn't let me know he was on his way...over an hour and a half early.

I live in a small house. I'm allergic to dogs (other dogs more than my own... due to developed immunity I suppose). He knows this. I have a large fenced in backyard that I let my dog out in during the day to play. His dog jumps my fence so he can't leave her out there unattended. I've asked him to bring his shock collar so he can begin to train her not to do so. He keeps saying he knows he needs to, but never does. So today, by 3:30 I have him laying on my couch and 2 dogs under my feet while I'm trying to clean. By this point, the agitation is boiling inside me. I'm feeling disrespected that he showed up so early without letting me know, I'm feeling disregarded by the fact that he KNEW I was cleaning yet made no attempt to get the dogs out of my way (more specifically....his dog). I put the dogs out, he almost immediately let his dog back in and said "she doesnt want to be outside" but the truth was that HE didn't want to have to watch her, so he didn't want her outside. I expressed all this to him, and why I felt agitated by it all. He said I should've told him the dogs were under my feet (um....he could see....) and that I should have told him that I wanted them outside because of my allergies (though he's well aware I'm highly allergic, take meds, nose spray and get 4 allergy shots per week currently). He said he didn't think coming early was a big deal. I have NEVER done that to him...I have a feeling if I did, he wouldn't have liked it either. We are 4 months into this relationship....we're not living together or even staying together for that matter. We're not at the point where we just come and go from each others places as we please. I felt like his behavior today was selfish and rude.

He has apologized. I accepted it and am trying to get over it despite the fact I'm still boiling inside. I know this isn't a HUGE dealbreaker of a thing... but it doesn't make me feel any less disregarded.

Am I wrong here?

**Little** · 02-05-2012 06:35 PM

It seems you're asking him to read between a lot of lines, and that maybe you're reading between lines that aren't there yourself.

I put the dogs out, he almost immediately let his dog back in and said "she doesnt want to be outside" but the truth was that HE didn't want to have to watch her, so he didn't want her outside.

My dogs don't always want to be outside, and I think I'm the best person do decide if they do. I bristle at this sentence, frankly. He may KNOW you're allergic, but forget or not fully understand the severity of it. Maybe you should ask him to leave the dog home if it can't safely wander the yard?
Are you sure you're not angry or frustrated about something else and just picking a fight? This seems like it should have been a very low-key get-together for the two of you, something not terribly rigid or stressful, and its purpose got flipped over like a card table in a bar fight.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 02-05-2012 07:08 PM

My dogs don't always want to be outside, and I think I'm the best person do decide if they do. I bristle at this sentence, frankly

He admitted it. He knew that if he didn't watch her, she'd jump the fence. He didn't want to have to watch her. My thoughts were to let them out and let them play BEFORE the game came on, so they'd be nice and rested by game time. He knew I was busy. I don't mind his dog being here, but when he won't let her go outside to play because he doesn't want to watch her, then she's couped up in the house with me and my allergies with no break.

I agree it should have been a low key get together. And that is what the plan was. That is also why I was trying to get things done before he got here, so I could relax and spend time with him. I was gone Wed Thur and Fri to a conference, my mom was in town Friday and Saturday, I was with him Saturday night, and I had up until today gotten nothing done. The point was to get things done up so we could both enjoy ourselves tonight. Him showing up nearly 2 hours early was totally unexpected. And then, plopping himself down on my couch while I'm clearly very busy, tripping over dogs in which he keeps letting back in if I put out, was definitely not expected either.

I can not think of anything else I'd be mad or upset about. So no...I guess the behavior today seemed selfish and inconsiderate and I didn't like it.

I don't think asking someone to show up when they say they're going to, or letting me know if they're going to be 2 hours early is too much to ask. And in this case, I'm not sure what lines you think I'm expecting him to read between. I realize he doesn't suffer from allergies, so I've explained to him how it all works. He knows to what extent I'm going to so I CAN be around his dog and other peoples dogs. He knew I had things I wanted to get done today before he came over for the Super Bowl, because I told him so. It seems to me that he just chose to consider himself and what he wanted, only.

**KMonte85** · 02-06-2012 07:19 AM

BD, I tend to agree with Little here. There are a lot of assumptions going on in your frustration in that you just EXPECT him to know things by now, but at the same accord you said yourself it's only been 4 months. I think you need to cut the guy some slack..

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

He text me earlier today and said "Super Bowl starts at 5, I'll be over a little before that." I said "okay". I proceeded to clean and try to get some things done before time for his arrival. At a little after 3 oclock he rings my door bell, dog in tow, drinks in hand, and ready to plop himself on my couch. I was instantly perturbed that he hadn't let me know he was on his way...over an hour and a half early.

So an hour and a half is early to you. Is it to him? Perhaps not, but you instantly bristled because that was your perception and that was the beginning of the end. I also find it interesting how you described him showing up, "drinks in hand, ready to plop down on the couch." It has a bit of a snide tone to it. Did you not invite him to do so? Telling a man that he can come over, watch the game, while you're getting other things done basically means he is going to do just that. It seems his doing what he was invited to do had already annoyed you.

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

I live in a small house. I'm allergic to dogs (other dogs more than my own... due to developed immunity I suppose). He knows this. I have a large fenced in backyard that I let my dog out in during the day to play. His dog jumps my fence so he can't leave her out there unattended. I've asked him to bring his shock collar so he can begin to train her not to do so. He keeps saying he knows he needs to, but never does.

Seems you're annoyed by his dog already from past experiences and bringing it into this disagreement to add fuel to the already burning fire of annoyance. Should he have asked if it was ok to bring his dog? Yes, that's just common courtesy. But is it so bad to bring you to a boiling point? Ehhhh...

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

So today, by 3:30 I have him laying on my couch and 2 dogs under my feet while I'm trying to clean. By this point, the agitation is boiling inside me. I'm feeling disrespected that he showed up so early without letting me know, I'm feeling disregarded by the fact that he KNEW I was cleaning yet made no attempt to get the dogs out of my way (more specifically....his dog).

Again, you invited him to come over and do so. He said he would be over a little early, which to him could VERY well be a little after 3:00 which is why to him it wasn't a big deal - your definition of early is not necessarily his, and that's fine. It is a simple miscommunication, but you've taking it so personally here that there's just no winning. And to expect him to just intuitively know what your cleaning itinerary was and that he should just intuitively know that means it his is responsibility to keep the dogs out of your path, is also a bit unfair. Again, you've only perceived this YOUR way and made no regard for how he could have interpreted everything. You're entitled to feel the way you do, but you also need to understand there are 2 people in this situation, and his actions could be considered very innocent. And yet, you've taken it very, VERY negatively. This man is your boyfriend and you've instantly turned his actions and reactions that day, from " the simple differences between two people" into "he's rude, he's disrespectful, he's selfish, and he's completely disregarding your feelings." Be cautious of that, it is a no-win situation and it really isn't fair.

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

He said he didn't think coming early was a big deal. I have NEVER done that to him...I have a feeling if I did, he wouldn't have liked it either. We are 4 months into this relationship....we're not living together or even staying together for that matter. We're not at the point where we just come and go from each others places as we please. I felt like his behavior today was selfish and rude.

You're right.. it HAS only been 4 months, and in that time, it seems you're expecting him to know and understand your every little nuance. So you say, you're not at a point where you can just come and go to other people's places. Well, you invited him over to sit on your couch and watch the game, and he obliged. How is that anything other than what you've asked? Because he didn't understand that you're "a little before 5:00" means 4:45, and his "a little before 5:00" means 3:10? Not to be rude, but this isn't BD's World and you're not right all the time. This is supposed to be a coupledom now, where his thoughts, opinions, and definitions have just as much value as yours.

I don't know BD, from an outsider's perspective, I think you're being harsh here... and in all honesty, I think you may want to accept his apology and perhaps offer one of your own.

**Seeker_Advice** · 02-06-2012 07:26 AM

Reminder....

Men are not mind readers. As a matter of fact, based on years of personal experience, we aren't very good at attempting it either.

In order to see a line, we need the dots placed very close together too.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 02-06-2012 08:02 AM

So an hour and a half is early to you. Is it to him?

Yes. If I showed up to his house an hour and half before I told him I was going to, he would consider that early. I expect that most people would unless you're at the point in your relationship where you just come and go from each others homes as you please. He also values "his" time. Whether "his" time consists of cleaning, doing laundry, or laying on the couch playing video games, I respect that. Sunday was "my" time (until around Super Bowl) as I had no "me" time all weekend, all week or prior weekend. It was my time to open up the windows, air out the house, get things clean and nice for the week. I did not expect him to just "know" this. I told him. Just as he tells me.....the difference is, I respect "his" time.

I also find it interesting how you described him showing up, "drinks in hand, ready to plop down on the couch." It has a bit of a snide tone to it.

I believe you're over analyzing. The point wasn't to be snide, but to vent my frustrations that he had no regard for me in that moment. It's something he struggles with, because he, as he even admits, is often self absorbed. Considering anothers feelings doesn't come all that natural to him...it's something about himself he says he doesn't like and is trying to work on. It's not something I just make up in a fit of rage.

Seems you're annoyed by his dog already from past experiences and bringing it into this disagreement to add fuel to the already burning fire of annoyance.

I love his dog. :\ So no..not annoyed by the dog. She's a sweet girl. The annoyance is with him in the fact that he will haul off and smack her for something minor (I don't smack my girl...

), but then won't make the effort to discipline her over things like jumping out of the fence and running off. To me, that's something major,,,something that could get her killed. And it makes me feel horrible that when he leaves on a work trip he has to put her in a kennel. Allergies or not, I'd rather her stay with me, but can't trust her in the house alone and can't trust her to go pee by herself. It's the same as when he disciplines her for licking herself (he doesn't like when she makes wet spots on things...), but then refuses to harness her in when we go on a road trip, therefore she's trying to jump from backseat to front constantly on top of whomever is in the front seat, and you literally have to fight her if you exit the vehicle. To me, these behaviors are his fault, not hers. It's his job to keep her safe and healthy. So when his dog, who lives 24/7 in an apartment and never gets to run, comes to my house and has the opportunity to play outside and run, it aggravates me that she is not allowed to do so because he doesn't want to make the effort.

And to expect him to just intuitively know what your cleaning itinerary was and that he should just intuitively know that means it his is responsibility to keep the dogs out of your path, is also a bit unfair

Again....do you honestly think I'd expect a man who doesn't live with me to just KNOW what I was going to be doing on any given day? Of course not. He knew exactly what my plans were that day, because he asked, and I told him.

You're right.. it HAS only been 4 months, and in that time, it seems you're expecting him to know and understand your every little nuance.

Sorry but that's quite an exxageration. There were no "nuances" here. This wasn't an instance where I was sitting back hoping he'd somehow read my mind. I'm a pretty vocal person. I told him instantly that he should've let me know he was coming that early and that I still needed to finish cleaning, shower, and go to the grocery. I live in a very small house, so trust me when I tell you that he SAW the fact that I was tripping over 160 lbs of dog at my every step to do anything. The first time he got up and let the dogs back in literally 1 minute after I put them out, I said "I thought it would be a good time to let them out to play, since I'm trying to clean and the super bowl starts in an hour or so. That way they can get their energy out beforehand." I don't consider that a hint or expecting him to read my mind.

Not to be rude, but this isn't BD's World and you're not right all the time.

Yeah, I'm definitely not sure where this came from. I have never, even once claimed that I'm always right and I am always the first to apologize when I make a mistake. Sometimes I apologize even when I don't think I've made a mistake, just to smooth over a negative situation. So again....not quite sure where that came from. But I appreciate your response nonetheless.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 02-06-2012 08:03 AM

Reminder....

Men are not mind readers

Neither are we.

I definitely understand this. There were no expectations of reading minds yesterday.

**KMonte85** · 02-06-2012 08:39 AM

I'm sorry if I misinterpreted your post, BD. Of course, you've added some insight here that was not in your OP that helps clear things up.

I still think you've taken these things that happened yesterday between him and you too personally. My comment that you're not right all the time is in regards to everything that made you "boiling" that evening. Perhaps there was a more eloquent way to put that, but from my reading this. You took it as everything he did that day was wrong.

He is wrong in determining what time "a little before 5:00 is"
He's wrong in how he trains and disciplines his dog
He's wrong in how he handles the pets when you're on your cleaning schedule

You've also mentioned now that there was no "Reading between the lines" or "mind reading" needed on his part. However, everyone who has read and responded to your post all said the same thing, that your expectations were that that he should have just known what you wanted.

There are a lot of "he knew" comments in your posts. It really seems he didn't know (as opposed to he didn't care), and you're angry about that. But can you really be so angry at someone for what they don't know you wanted? Or is that a gap in communication that needs to be fixed?

**stariana** · 02-06-2012 09:00 AM

I was in a "new" relationship a few years ago, and my guy would do things like that. Show up thinking I would be just fine with the fact that he was early, not allowing me "my time". I was soooooo frustrated, because I was used to doing things my way, in my time. I wasn't used to having someone in my life, by my side, just being together. I would get so upset, and it would cause a lot of tension between us. I was trying to set some ground rules, and it seemed as though he just didn't care.

What I failed to see at the time, was how much he wanted to be with me. Just be with me. It didnt' matter what I looked like, what I was doing, or what mood I was in . . . he just wanted to be a part of it all. I took a long look at myself, and realized I was the one being "rude". I was pushing away a sweet man, who just didn't want to be alone. He wanted to be a part of my day. I only wanted him on my terms, I wanted to keep control of the situation. And by me only thinking of what I wanted, I was causing more harm than good. When I stopped and realized he wasn't the one with the problem, it was me, things changed. I never wanted him to see me without make-up, and one time he came over early and I had one eye done, and no make-up on the other . . . I was sooo mad, and he just giggled. It makes for a cute story now!

What I'm trying to get across here is maybe he is more comfortable with you than you realize. Sounds like he was just being a typical guy, going to his girls house to watch football while she puttered around the house. It didn't matter if you were "ready", he just wanted to relax, and be in your presence. : )

Sounds like a good thing to me ; )

**Beautiful Disaster** · 02-06-2012 09:03 AM

When I said "He knew", I didn't mean "his super mind reading man powers let him know"....I meant he knew because I TOLD HIM or because we discussed it. Haha. I wasn't expecting him to just know.

There was no fit throwing or fighting last night. We discussed it briefly and moved on. Yes, I was very agitated, but I stayed out of his way as I didn't want to interrupt the super bowl. That is why I got on here and vented to you guys instead. I just think that in my moment of agitation, my venting was very misunderstood. Which of course.....didn't make me feel any better about any of it.

I resolved myself to "getting over it" so to speak, last night after I typed this post. I just felt like he had been inconsiderate of me and there's a part of me that fears he's one of those guys who is going to be complacent in a long term relationship/marriage and that lack of consideration will be common. So when something happens that shows me that side of him, even a little....it scares me. Because I do like him, and there are alot of qualities about him I like. But there are things that concern me just the same.