advice/help on my dilema... dont judge me!

**Jeni87** · 02-06-2012 01:08 AM

Okay I’m going to try and make this as short as possible please don’t judge me I need advice on how to go about my situation. I made a huge mistake and don’t know where or what to do from now on.
Thank you.

A few years ago I started seen this man who at the time was single but as time went by I found out he got engaged with another woman while seen me on and off. When I found out I stop seen him but eventually got back together with him. I became his side … he was with me during the week and spent every night and the weekends with her. I was going to school about 40 hours a week and worked part time so I didn’t mind the commitment but my feeling change and I wanted more from him. I got jealous when he wouldn’t spend time with me, when he wouldn’t help me pay for anything and when I would find out everything he was doing with her and was treating me like the side I was. I was going through a lot and asked him for help with money and he turn his back on me and I really needed money so I started stripping and he was upset when I told him but refuse to help me when he knew it was for school and he was going to the strip club spending $2,000-4,000 a month in a strip club and a lot more on vacations. Anyway he canceled the wedding and decided to give us a chance he would beg me to have a baby with him and he swore to marry me and give me everything but it was too late. I was already at the point of giving up but I gave in and it was bad bc he was treating me like a queen and it hurt so much bc I realize how bad he treated me before compare to before when he meant everything to me and he called it nothing. I couldn’t take it so a few weeks ago I broke it off with him and he went back to her and is still seen her. Honestly I do love him but things were never right with him and we are so different that at times I found myself alone with him with nothing to talk about and I would tell him we had no chemistry and the sex was bad lol I guess we just never got comfortable with each other but I tried and I was on a one way street. Well a month later I found out he got me pregnant and she has no clue. I told him I was pregnant and he asked if we was keeping it and I said yes & he told me that he realize that he wasn’t in love with her anymore and that before when we was together it was nothing….. A few days later he called me drunk and at like 3am… I was so hurt that he didn’t call the next day or said anything bc I thought he’d be happy since he had wanted us to have a baby for so long. Anyway I change my number and told him I didn’t want him or needed him and didn’t contact him for a few days and in that time… I lost the baby </3. He finally got my number from a friend and asked to see me and I said no… he was going away for a few days and wanted me to go with him but I didn’t go so he took her… they are still away.
Okay here’s my dilemma…
I am afraid of telling him that I lost the baby bc I feel things will really be over between us and part of me loves him even more bc I was going to have his baby and I saw a chance in us. I still want to be with him… I’m heartbroken now bc I lost the baby and I need him there for me and he didn’t even bother on calling me. I just don’t know what to do. Part of me resents him and I want to just call her and tell her but then ugh that will be sooooo much drama so im not. I need money I been really depressed bc I lost the baby and need help bc I haven’t even gone to work. I want to ask him to help me1 but I don’t know how to or if I should even tell him before that I lost the baby bc then he won’t help me but I feel he will help me if he thinks I’m still pregnant. I just really need him to help me financially but I can’t get myself to use my lost baby as an excuse... I loved my baby even if it was his.

**KMonte85** · 02-06-2012 10:03 AM

First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. That is heartwrenching for you, and you should find support and comfort in the people around you who love you, are there for you, and always have been. If there is no one nearby who you feel you can talk to, seek out an online support group. One that I know of is called "My Baby Angel Foundation" you may find some advice and support for your feelings of sadness and loss there by others who know very deeply just how much you're hurting.

But hun, you have been going years with the back-and-forth with this guy. He loves you, and then he doesn't, and then he loves his fiance, and then he loves you again. And every time you do something he doesn't like, he goes back to her. This man is playing you. It seems from your post that in the years you have been involved with him, he has abandoned you every single time things got tough and you needed him. Even when you were angry and broke it off with him, what did he do? Did he try to get you back? No, it seems he forgot all about you and went back to the other woman again. It is time to cut your ties with this man, as difficult as it will be for you. This is the time to see him for what he really is, and move on from it. Don't use a pregnancy to get him to support you financially.. that is just as wrong as him using your emotions and feelings for him to get you to agree to have his child. Both are wrong, and you don't need to stoop to his level.

Also, forget any feelings you have about retaliation. Even if you think trying to ruin is relationship with her will make you feel better, it won't. It probably would not help anyway... I would think the other woman he's in a relationship has a pretty good idea about you. We women are pretty intuitive creatures, aren't we? Just as you are very aware of her, I'm sure she is also very aware of you... whether or not she admits it.

**Jeni87** · 02-09-2012 10:19 PM

thank you for the advice

**KMonte85** · 02-10-2012 06:27 AM

You're welcome Jen. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be treated wonderfully by a wonderful partner.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-10-2012 01:40 PM

Hi Jen,

I too am very sorry for the loss of your baby. I think that when something starts to grow inside of us, we automatically feel that bond, love, as a mother, emotions as a woman as that is what we are supposed to feel. So, could you consider that when thinking that you may love him more? It is pure love.. Not love for a man

But, he is not worthy of you. Each time you reject him, he still goes back to her, Lord knows he is probably saying the exact same things to her, or when she rejects him, he comes to you, it's a game of sorts. He has never been there for you, when you needed him in any fashion. How old are you sweet and how old is he? You were going to school when you met and a few years has gone by. I despise men like him, that keep another woman on a shoe string for so long..

You've just lost your confidence and also you haven't really dated or fallen for anyone else because he has manipulated you to keep you there, on the side. And, when he feels that you may walk, he's found ways to again, keep you there.

Like KM said, you are beautiful inside and out and deserve better.. I am betting he is older than you.

I'd love for you to see that beauty, do you know how many men there are out there? You have spend more than 60 percent of your time each year alone anyway.. Be strong, assertive and go this alone.. Get out of this situation, it's damaging and depression for you..

As for whether you should pretend you are still pregnant to get money? Stand alone here, go it alone, he deserves no answers, no more of your time and you NEED to stand on your own and find your own ways to achieve and jump over hurdles such as finance.

Shake yourself up

And, say 'YES' I am worth more and I'll find a way, he is no longer anywhere in my thought pattern.