Cyber-Stalking Bf's Ex.. Help?

**teacozi64** · 02-07-2012 11:57 PM

Hello, a little advice would be nice.
My bf and I have been together for a year and a half, and I've been having this obsession with his ex for a quite a while now. I can't explain why I get this urge to know more and more about her, look at pictures of her, stalk her down on FB. From what I've seen/read, she and I are very different.. I can't understand how he could fall in love with the both of us.. I wonder what he sees in me over her. I've even gone into my bf's Facebook to find out more about her, something which i have done quite a few times and am now really ashamed of doing. He is so trustworthy and an incredibly nice and kind guy. This obsession makes no sense since they broke up almost a year before I met him, and he's said he's definitely moved on and changed alot since then.

I don't know what it is that makes me think about this so much. Perhaps I want to know how a person could go on living after losing someone like him.. Perhaps it's just insecurity issues I have about myself.

It's gotten to a point where I'm asking myself.."what am I still wasting my time doing this?.. Why am I STILL obsessed with her??" I still feel urges of curiosity sometimes.. wanting to know what she is doing.. today.. this week.. how she looks likes lately, who she's with.. etc. I'm getting tired of this. I feel like I'm burying myself deeper in the ground when I indulge in this obsession. I really want to stop because I feel like this will lead to nothing good and I might actually end up distancing myself from my bf more. But how can I stop? Maybe i should tell him how I feel, that way he actually knows what's been going on in my head...?

And should I tell him I've gone on his facebook (to view ex's profile)? < Will mentioning that help the situation at all? Or should I just let that go (and not do it again of course), and open up to him and let him know exactly how I've been feeling? Thanks.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 02-08-2012 06:31 AM

Have you tried just staying off the computer for a few days? Or at least off of facebook? If it's really to the point that you truly don't think you can control it, deactivate your fb for a while. And perhaps even ask your bf to change his password so that you don't know it.

I mean my first response here is, if you truly don't want to do this, then use some self control and stop. You should not be logging in to your boyfriends facebook for any reason without his knowledge. So stop.

I get the sense you're self sabatoging. You've got this nice kind trustworthy guy, and you can't find anything wrong, so you've created something. Your jealousy will end up sabatoging the relationship......... and for what?

I don't see why he needs to know you've been doing this. You just need to stop and move on. Find something much more positive to focus your efforts on.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-08-2012 12:54 PM

He says he's a changed person. You say he's faithful. To me that suggests that he's grown somewhat and spending a year on his own before meeting you means you were not a rebound. Off course, she is different than you, maybe he didn't like all that she was, after all, he's no longer with her, with that maybe there was same change as well within him.

You have to simply stop. In-securities rune relationships. He may laugh but he may also worry about you and think you have jealousy issues. I'd chalk it down to "what more really is there to know?" and let this whole thing go, get on with your relationship it has to be having an effect.

Tell yourself you deserve the love and happiness you have. And, tell yourself every day.. Hopefully when you start believing that, you will no longer judge or worry about "past"...

**jamesmarshalls** · 04-16-2012 06:59 AM

You are right your just wasting your time stalking that girl. For us guys just for my side and others like me.. When we love the girl other girl don't exist so don't sabotage your self instead pay attention to your bf and make the time together much more happy instead of thinking something that will lead you to make doubt on him.

**SweetPeaches** · 05-21-2012 02:16 PM

Time to close you Facebook account and leave the other girl alone. That his ex not yours. If he is still with you its because he is attracted you and has moved on. You said he is a nice guy, don't loose him over petty stuff.

**cas27** · 05-21-2012 03:19 PM

hi ..I guess I am in the same boat like you..I mean .I met a man online and we have been talking for like 7 months now..but he still talks to others but kept on assuring me that I have nothing to worry about. I don't understand why he needs to talk to others still but I surely cant leave because I have feelings for him.Just recently ,he has been talking to another gilr whom he admitted that the girl likes him...and he like her a lil bit too but he said he won't make it more than liking because the gilr is a virgin and he doesnt feel the connection..I am so jelaous..and I keep on asking about her ..and thinking about her..now our relationship has gotten back to ...slow or baby steps..I kept on looking ath the girl's profile and i saw him liking some pictures so I was so furious..I am actually right now controlling cause i don't want to lose him.I deactivated my account in fb but I still have the urge to check..I wanted to trust him but I cannot control my jealousy

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-21-2012 04:33 PM

cas, the way he is acting would not be acceptable to a lot of women. Carrying on with women he knows like him... liking their pics etc .. its sending a message, and not just to her. The fact he's doing it in a format he knows EVERYONE (including you) can see... is sending a message to you as well. You like him a lot and are trying to ignore that... it may not be as deep (at least not yet) for him as it is for you and thats a HARD hard thing to swallow.

I'm not saying that to put you off him, I'm saying that so that you'll maybe loosen your grip and open yourself up to others as well. If you are keeping yourself in a bubble while he is keeping his options open... that could lend itself to you ending up in a very hurt and lonely situation.

If he won't rise to your level of committment, there are only two viable options. Moving on to someone else that is on the same page as you, or lowering your own sense of commitment to match where his is at this point in your courtship.

This whole option C of creeping and peeping and checking up and getting mad, etc.. that isn't going to make a man all of a sudden change his ways, it isn't going to make you trust him more, it isn't going to feel better inside... its just a massochistic thing to keep putting yourself through.

We can't will a man to love us, we can't will him to be faithful, we can't will him to PICK us over others, we can only be ourselves and we can only decided for ourselves what we are or arent willing to put up with. But monitering and becoming angry.. it serves no one and nothing.

**cas27** · 05-22-2012 08:06 AM

I have been told by my friends to choose either to let go or swallow what he is doing.Yes youa re right..I like him a lot and he is not in the same level as I am....but I am keeping my fingers crossed and wanting ti believe in what he says that I have nothing to wory about..I wanna keep him ..God knows that I wanna keep him..but I don't have the heart to stoop down to his level of commitment..I am monogamous and I have told him that...He know how I feel about him being friends to girls he met online..but since he told me that we arent in a serious relationship and he was consistently reminding me that I have nothing to worry about..I am letting him..but lately I feel that he is being cold..I mean he doesnt email much and if he goes online ..it would be too short for me..he told me he doesnt want me to go..I was about to pass out his talking to other girls but I felt the coldness...so I am really thinking now whether to fight,though part of me says "fight" or just leave..It hurts..we are so much alike and I believe though I haven't seen him in person we will make a good couple...but I just hope that though we aren't in a serious relationship yet,haven't met..he will just respect that "feeling" that we both have..as what he told me that he really really like me and that I will be the priority and number 1.I am an Asian,he is white..and I know there is a big difference on how we see relationships...I have managed to understand that but this..it hurts like ****...I just don't want to talk anymore and tell him..he knows..I am sure of that.

**Peacheskreme** · 05-22-2012 09:11 AM

DO NOT Tell him about your stalking. Don't even talk to him about his ex. If he doesn't want to talk about her that's a good thing. Sometimes there are just some things we don't need to know. She probably broke his heart. And you know, going through his facebook just brings upon more suspicion and it won't make you feel better. You can't control or even judge something even if someone comments or clicks like on a page. I've had the opposite done to me. I have a nice, steady guy I'm married to and my husband would go through my stuff and hold it inside and one day he just blurts out how certain people comment on my pictures or lurk around my page and make accusations of things that aren't even happening. I think you need to step away and leave it. like another person said you are stirring up stuff because of your own insecurities. Yes, be happy you are with this guy. You'll end it yourself..unless that's what you are looking for.

**cas27** · 05-22-2012 02:45 PM

i dont want to lose him...but I feel like he is avoiding? he goes online ..and when I start to talk he will tell me he wont be long ..but when I tell him you are cold..he said he is not...Today i emailed him ..and said..the reason why I am not emailing is that i really dont to know what to say..I dint know if he still enjoys the talk..and I asked to tell me if he really wants me still..was that a good actions? I am expecting that he will just let me step back cause I told him ..if he doesnt enjoy this anymore I guess i have to step back a while..