how do i tell my friend i HATE her new guy?

**leahbia_83008** · 02-10-2012 08:36 PM

my friend kaitlin and i have been good friends for about eight years now. the more and more we got close, the more and more (and i know this sounds conceded but it's the truth) she tried to be like me. dress like me. do her hair like me. date boys that are my type. it was annoying (although flattering, in a weird, stalker way), but our personalities attracted so i learned how to shrug it off. things have not changed over the years. except now, i get the impression she feels the need to one-up me.

i started dating my boyfriend almost 4 years ago. we have an amazing relationship & people tend to notice that. she would always tell me how lucky i am, etc. but i am humble about it, knowing her history with men, and remind her how she will have a nice guy when she meets the right one. lately, my boyfriend and i have been struggling financially since i am working a minimum wage job while attending beauty school & he is unemployed due to being laid off. we live at home with his mom and have been trying really hard to move on from his job loss and improve our situation by moving into our own apartment. she had a baby our senior year in high school (the father is not in the picture), but lived at home for financial support from her parents as well as help with her son while she goes to school. struggling like we are has become increasingly depressing & so i confided in her one day and told her how i felt. she did very little to support me, and it hurt but i kept my feelings to myself.

fast forward three months later, she informs me her parents are helping her purchase an affordable home. i congratulated her and told her if she needed any help moving in to give me a call. but then she kept on and on about it, basically rubbing it in my face because she knows that's what i've been working so hard for, and getting no where with it (i won't go into detail). she expected me to be excited for her and although i admit i was kind of jealous, i was more upset at the fact she would do something like that after i tried so hard to make her feel equal with her relationship situation. but i blew it off, knowing it wasn't worth hurting a relationship over.

now to my real problem.

she started dating this new guy about a month ago; he's 32 years old (she just turned 21). he's been in and out of prison, but she is intrigued by him because he tells her what she wants to hear & puts her first (unlike most guys she dates). within a week, he starts moving in with her so she anxiously invites me over to meet him. i have never met a more arrogant person in my entire life! the whole time all he did was talk about himself and how GREAT his life is, although he lives at home with his mom, doesn't have a job or car and has a criminal background. he demands her allow him to smoke cigarettes in her home around her son although she is a non-smoker and will openly admit she doesn't like being around it. he is obnoxious, outspoken & all talk. he tells her how wonderful of a life they'll have together in the future, yet does nothing to improve himself. he was very rude and vulgar for meeting someone for the first time.

my friend texted me later that night asking me what i thought about him and i told her my honest opinion: he's trouble. he is going to get her into something she cannot deal with & risk her relationship with her son. she was upset with me, but i felt i had to tell her the truth. we didn't talk for a while after that, but i thought it was good to give her time to see where things went with him. i hadn't heard from her for a couple weeks until today... she texted me to tell me that her and her new boyfriend are engaged! i am concerned for her. she is doing it for all the wrong reasons. i don't want to see this guy break her heart, but i am tired of trying for her when she would not do the same for me. she wants me to be happy for her but i am having a hard time biting my lip and pretending to give her my blessing. with him being in the picture, i don't even feel comfortable going to her house & she won't go anywhere without him, so i feel like this scumbag is ruining my relationship with her. i'm at the point i'm not even sure if it's worth fighting for anymore.

do i bite my tongue and speak up or let her see for herself?

**acerousme** · 02-10-2012 09:29 PM

Okay..I gotta say..sounds like you both compete with eachother, because you are more than best friends...almost sisters. all you can do about the house thing is be happy for her.

This new man of hers? I would have told her the same thing. If she doesnt like to hear it, oh well. nothing more you can do, except be there to catch her when she gets her heart broken. So I would express your distaste (he sounds like a tool), but other than that, thats all you can do. Just be there IF he does break her heart.

but ya...no job? lives with his mom?? LOL...well...we are all entitled to AT LEAST one mistake in our lives.

**leahbia_83008** · 02-10-2012 09:57 PM

i have been able to put the house thing beside me. i understand it is a good thing for her & i wish her well, but it upset me that she made it her best effort to do it before me, that way she would have something i want but don't have... like her boyfriend situation. but the new guy is hard to ignore. i don't even want to come around her because i'm afraid he will say the wrong thing & i won't be able to grit my teeth anymore. i try to act how i always do with her but he brings this negative energy with him when he comes around that makes me uneasy. i don't expect her to leave him because i don't like him, but she needs to realize all he's doing is feeding her lies and i don't want her to be lead on or let him get her in trouble. she also has to consider the kind of male influence she's bringing around her son, but she's more concerned with her own happiness... and that me off. he has done nothing positive for their relationship & he's no good for her. she needs someone that will love her AND her son and wants to help her better herself, but she doesn't see it like that.

**acerousme** · 02-10-2012 10:08 PM

maybe she didnt try to do it before you. Maybe it had nothing to do with you, and she just...wanted more space?

Shes not going to see anything she doesnt want to. I know the feeling...you just wanna help. But there is really nothing you can do but wait till she needs you. If you cant take him, so be it. Dont do anything that makes you feel uncomfy. not even for her sake. Just wait...and watch from a distance. One day she will wake up, and go "oh poo. What have I done?" But getting to that point can take years, unfortunately. She is just...looking for love in all the wrong places. She wants to feel loved. Is she in love? who knows. But just wait...see what happens

**leahbia_83008** · 02-10-2012 10:15 PM

thanks for responding. i agree she is looking for love in the wrong place. this is a longtime habit of hers... she falls head over heels with almost every guy she meets. but they tend to get sick of her easily & move on to the next, and for whatever reason the things he tells her are appealing to her so she wants to rush things. she told me she's getting married on valentine's day THIS YEAR. they've been together a month! that's in less than a week! i know that's how she is but this is a serious mistake. even if and when she does realize he's wrong for her, a divorce is very expensive & i know she can't afford to go through all of that, mentally and financially. & maybe we think differently about this but her son should be her motivation in life, not some loser who promises her the world but can't even afford to put groceries in her cupboards that SHE pays for and HE stays in, rent free. i don't think it's right and i don't support it, but i don't want to hurt her feelings.

**acerousme** · 02-10-2012 10:54 PM

I totally get not wanting to hurt her feelings. And the situation shes getting herself into sucks, but you've expressed your distaste for him, and thats all you can do sweetheart. Its unfortunate, but thats it.

THIS 14th? wow...that is fast. Does her family know? what do they think?

**leahbia_83008** · 02-10-2012 11:17 PM

yes her family knows and they do not support her decision. as far as i'm concerned, they like the guy (i can't see how) but for her to jump the gun like that isn't something they'd like to see their daughter doing, especially with a stranger. her parents have tried to create this picture perfect life for my friend and her younger sister & by doing so have caused them to become the total opposite... she lived a very sheltered life & in her eyes marrying this guy will prevent her parents "from having any say" in what she does in life but what she doesn't realize is it doesn't work that way. they have threatened to take her son away many times so she will straighten her act up for a while, then she goes right back to the same old kaitlin. if you knew this girl you would understand, trust me haha. love her to death but she belongs on teen mom or something.

**acerousme** · 02-10-2012 11:27 PM

I have someone in my life like that. My oldest sister actually...long story short...I dont speak with her anymore.

I couldnt take her dumb decisions, and didnt want to be around the destructive behaviour. Some people will always be stuck in that rut, I guess

**Beautiful Disaster** · 02-11-2012 01:27 PM

Just be prepared to be there to help her pick up the pieces when they divorce. I know it stinks having to plan for someones divorce before they are even married, but nowadays, it seems common place. You can't change her mind about him. She clearly has low self esteem and believes she and her child dont' deserve any better. It's sad, but you've been honest with her and that is ALL you can do until it's time to be there for her when it falls apart. I'm sure she hasn't been honest with her family about him. Us gals tend to paint a rosey picture of things even when they're quite grim. Self denile perhaps.

About the house, I know you feel like she did it to compete with you. And maybe she did, but I believe that it most likely was not about you at all. Your jealously let you believe it was.

It's hard to be happy for someone who is clearly making poor decisions for herself and her child. But really, what can you do but be honest and hope for the best?

**leahbia_83008** · 02-13-2012 03:10 PM

thanks BD. i really want to be happy for her because she truly does have a good heart & deserves the best but it's hard for me when i'm screaming inside my head that he's not the one for her. she sent me a text of her ring today. it was nice, better than her last (YES she has been engaged before, but cheated on him & ended up kicking him to the curb instead of trying to work things out, like he was willing to do because he wasn't "bad" or "attractive" enough for her), but he told her it's "temporary" and that he used to be a millionaire but got in trouble with the law & once he "gets his together" and becomes unbelievably wealthy again they will have it all... sounds like blah, blah, blah to me. one of my boyfriend's friends is just like him... tells girls he owns a yacht in florida & all these estates but really he's unemployed, uneducated & a male stripper at a gay bar. there's a part of me that wants to laugh at her naivety, but on the other i feel sad that she's buying into all of this and is setting herself up to get her feelings hurt. i don't want to look like the bad friend that isn't happy for her, which i'm glad SHE'S happy... but i wish it was real happiness & not just some picture he paints for her.