Should I be upset with him??

**Lovelovelove92** · 02-14-2012 09:33 AM

I just found out that my boyfriend of 5 months's ex girlfriend tends to text him nearly every week he said that he never responds to her and I'm just finding this out TODAY Vday. I found out because she called his house phone while he was at work and I didn't know who she was and then he called me I told him some girl called for him and he told me all this then. I am very upset by this. Should I be upset that he didn't tell me sooner?

**rosekitten** · 02-14-2012 09:43 AM

I don't really see why you should be upset. If he's not talking to her, then it's likely he didn't tell you because he doesn't care about her, and doesn't see a point in saying "some person that I'm ignoring keeps texting me." I get texts from people I don't want to talk to all the time, there's no real point in telling my husband about it because it isn't an issue.

**KMonte85** · 02-14-2012 10:01 AM

I sort of agree with rosekitten and sort of not.

On the one hand, no it really isn't a big deal that he's getting texts from someone, particularly if he isn't responding to them. So in that sense, it isn't really his fault that this person is texting him. And it really isn't that much your business who is texting him and how often.

HOWEVER, the situation is complicated in that this is his ex, and she's contacting him quite regularly. Are they still friends or some how in need to be in contact regularly? If not, I don't think he handled this situation very well. Yes, he's ignoring her and that's good. But he could have easily put a stop to the unnecessary texts, by telling her not to text him anymore. And why would his ex-girlfriend feel the need to call him on Valentine's Day anyway? That's fishy.

I think you're entitled to be a little upset here. Is it breakup worthy, or grudge worthy? No, I don't think so. Is it worthy of a conversation about why you don't like it, and how you think he could have handled the situation better? Yes.

**Darling** · 02-14-2012 12:51 PM

I would be upset. Texts are one thing, if this was me I would tell him that he needs to put a stop to her texting. There is clearly something wrong with the situation if she feels a need to text him so often, and he isn't even responding....
And the phone call ... On vday! That is over the line. He really needs to put an end to this girl, why is she hanging on? Is he giving her reason to? I think its time he tells her that he has moved on and she needs to forget his number.

I think you have the right to be upset. But talk to him about, this shouldn't be a fight.

**Seeker_Advice** · 02-14-2012 02:20 PM

Clarity please...

What are you upet over?

The fact that he is receiving communications other than from you?

The fact that it's an ex?

The fact that he didn't tell you?

The fact that she has called his home?

Some of these? All of these?

Do you have a reason to be concerned (has he ever cheated)?

There is a reason or ten that she is his ex and you are the woman he loves. Ex's are part of all of our history, as we all have them. So what's the big deal?

It sounds to me like it could be an insecurity issue on your part. Are you insecure in your relationship?

While few, if any of my exes choose to stay in contact with me (and I respect their wishes), my SO has regular contact with more than one of her exes and I have no problem with it. Why? How? Because I am completely comfortable and confident with our relationship and we communicate openly and honestly about things.

Open honest communication along with comfort/confidence in your relationship will go a long way.

**Lovelovelove92** · 02-14-2012 02:26 PM

It's the fact that I thought we had an open and honest relationship and he didn't tell me. I also don't know why they broke up or anything like that. I understand that he is with me and the past is the past but it's sketchy. Why would she call him on Vday and Why didn't he tell her to stop txting him IDk I've been living with him for 5 months now and this has been going on for longer than that so do you see why I'm upset?

**KMonte85** · 02-14-2012 02:39 PM

Originally Posted by Seeker_Advice

It sounds to me like it could be an insecurity issue on your part. Are you insecure in your relationship?

Originally Posted by Seeker_Advice

While few, if any of my exes choose to stay in contact with me (and I respect their wishes), my SO has regular contact with more than one of her exes and I have no problem with it. Why? How? Because I am completely comfortable and confident with our relationship and we communicate openly and honestly about things.

I'm not so sure that it is an insecurity thing so much as it is a lack of communication thing. More than likely, Seeker, you're very comfortable about your SO's contact with her ex's because she has been open and honest about it. Because you are aware of the relationship as it stands (ie STRICTLY friendship), and she has not omitted from daily conversations with you that her ex's stay in regular contact. I am like this as well. I have a few casual conversations with men I used to date, and my fiance is not at all bothered by it, because he knows I love him and I have been very transparent about my contact with these men. There are no surprises, and I share with him when we talk and perhaps even what we talked about, just as I would casually mention any other conversation I may have had with friends. He knows, and there's a lot of trust that comes from that "knowing."

Being confident and secure in your relationship is of the utmost importance. But there's something to be said about one's SO forging that comfort and security by being transparent about their frienships. I think this is less about lovelove's being insecure in her relationship, and more that she was blindsided by the fact that her boyfriend's ex is still very much in contact with him and she was never made aware of it.

**jns** · 02-14-2012 07:11 PM

She sent about 20 texts per your description during the time you two have been a couple. How do you propose your bf stop her from texting him? He cannot change her, only himself. One way would be to change numbers and lose contact with others.

I don't think you should be upset. Do you get upset about similar things? Getting upset easily could get in the way of open communications.

**Aeryn Sun** · 02-14-2012 10:09 PM

Meh. I wouldn't be upset. Some people remain friends and if nothing is going on beyond a few texts for her only, what is there to tell you about?

I only have one ex-boyfriend, and he and his mom are on my flist. Does he know he is on my friendlist? Idk...I haven't flat out told him, but I am not hiding it either.

**Seeker_Advice** · 02-15-2012 11:56 AM

It sounds to me like it's a Her problem and not a Him problem.

Since this came to light, what has happened since? Have you talked (not yelled, screamed or called him names) about it? Have you suggested that he block her number so he won't receive anymore texts or calls from her (at least on his cell phone?).

It sounds like you two need to work on being better communicators with each other. As others have said, open transparent communication is the 'best' way to deal with this or any other potential issue that may arise.

May I suggest that you start from here... Use this as an example of what you thought you had and what you really do have based on this experience. use it as a learning tool to strengthen your relationship and not as a wedge that seperates you.

As for why he/they broke up...who cares? It means nothing and has no impact on you and your relationship.