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Thread: My long term boyfriend watches gay porn and is possibly bi-curious/bi-sexual.

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    Default My long term boyfriend watches gay porn and is possibly bi-curious/bi-sexual.


    Hi, so I think this post needs a little backstory first:
    I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, (we are 20, got together at 16 and that was that) and he is a self-proclaimed heterosexual guy. If you met him you would never suspect he had even a tiny gay streak. Trust me, I was shocked after 2 years of knowing him inside out. Anyway, about 2 years ago I discovered gay porn while using his computer. Now I don't mean a couple of videos, I mean it was clearly very deliberate that he had gone onto these sites. I realised that this wasn't something I could just forget about. I had found guy/girl porn before and obviously that's fine; he's a guy, it's what they do. But this was something else. So I asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me, and explained what I had found. He admitted to everything (not exactly something you can lie about after what I saw) and we talked it over. He said that he was not attracted to men in a way that he would check them out in the street or find his friends hot or anything, it was just that gay/anal porn was something he enjoyed. He said it was just a sexual fantasy but nothing he would ever follow through in real life. He insisted that he loved me and was attracted to me, which is undoubtedly true as we have always had a healthy sex life and it's (sorry) very obvious that he is turned on by me. He described himself as being "90% straight, 10% gay or whatever". This all seemed plausible to me and we managed to work through it, and I just accepted that it was a fantasy, everyone has fantasies, it was private for him and he wasn't planning on acting on it. Fast forward a few months however, and I happened across a gay chat/webcam site that he had been on. This was what really threw me. It's one thing to have fantasies, but actually interacting with gay men in any way, be it online or in real life, is different, and I was very upset. I asked him about it, and told him my worries, and his explanation was that he had been curious but once he went on the website he got scared and uncomfortable and realised that kind of thing wasn't what he wanted. Thinking back on it, I believed him so readily because it sounded plausible, but I think maybe I just didn't want to consider the other possibilities. I talked to a close gay friend about the whole thing, who also knows my bf, and he was reassuring about it. He agreed that he had never got a gay vibe from my bf and that he probably just had fantasies that turned him on in the sense that fantasies do, but that they would probably remain just that rather than materialising. He said that at most, my bf was bisexual. Anyway, I managed to get past that too and haven't really thought about the whole thing since.

    Now the thing that has prompted me to post this is something that happened yesterday:
    I'm house-sitting for my bf's family for the weekend while they're away over Easter, and my laptop is currently being fixed so my bf said it was fine for me to use his to do work on while I'm house-sitting. Don't judge me for this (I'm not proud), but faced with the prospect of using his computer all weekend, I had an uncontrollable urge to snoop. I would never, ever do this usually, and I can't explain why I did it now, while I haven't worried about the whole gay thing in about a year, but I did. I'm not proud of it, and I knew I might only hurt myself by doing it, but I know I'm not the only one so please don't berate me for giving in to the urge. When I looked at his internet history, I found a stack of about 6 porn videos, all of which involved women. I have to say that this was massively reassuring, however, it appears that he has deleted all his history up until about a week ago. I can't imagine what else he might be hiding from me (he had obviously done this in preparation for me borrowing his computer) other than more gay stuff. Once I got started, I couldn't help but go further and look at his web history on his other web browser. There was little history on there too, so I can only imagine he's deleted that too. This sent alarm bells ringing, and without being sure what I was looking for I also looked in the trash on his computer. In here, I found something which really upset me. Dated February 2010, there is a body shot of a guy in his boxers, which looks like it was taken on a webcam. I don't know where this picture is from, but there is the possibility that he had been webcamming or chatting with some guy and the guy had sent him this picture. I felt sick seeing this. I thought back to when I found out about the chat room and he had said that he didn't go through with it, and he could so easily have been lying because he knew what it would do to our relationship if he told me the truth. I'm now worrying about the whole thing again. Ok so the picture was from 2 years ago, but something like that doesn't just go away. If you like those things once, chances are you still like them. I know I have to talk to him about this when he gets back (I don't want to do it over the phone and upset him while he's away), but I have no idea how to explain that I snooped through his stuff on purpose. I hate myself for it and I'm ashamed, but I can't just not talk to him about it. The main thing I want to get from posting this is, has anyone else had similar experiences? What would you do in this situation? To be honest I just need to talk about it. I know he's not gay, but I worry that if he is bi-curious/bi-sexual, he may want to act on these urges one day, and I don't think I could continue our relationship if he did, for my own reasons. I worry that he has spoken to guys online, which I consider to be on par with cheating. It's the deceit and lies that bother me, and the sexual interaction with another person.

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    jns
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    Obviously, your actions from several years ago has made your bf careful about his computer history, thus he deletes it regularly. He should have had the hard drive changed and the computer rebuilt at the same time.

    Your bringing up a trashed video of questionable evidence from several years ago will come across as controlling and make him question the relationship between you two.
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    I don't think having the hard drive changed and the computer rebuilt would be a solution to the problem. Surely the best solution would be honesty, which that is not promoting. Also just because the image I found was from 2 years ago doesn't mean that the drive behind whatever he was engaging in has disappeared, which is why I want to re-evaluate the situation. I don't think ignoring something like this just because it might make us question our relationship is a good path to take. Being upset and wanting to address the issue shouldn't equate to being controlling, and the more I refuse to talk about this the bigger the issue will become. I believe talking about the problem disperses it and helps people to work through it, rather than ignoring it.

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    jns
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    Your fears are unjustified by a trashed file that is from two years ago that isn't conclusive of any relationship at any degree. It sounds to me like you are justifying your preformed conclusion that was made when you extrapolated his clean computer history to him hiding something.

    Your snooping through his computer is evidence of you trying to get an issue to control his behavior. Your original post contained nothing truly indicating he has revisited his previous actions since two years ago. I can only conclude that bringing up something that was settled two years ago with "new" (two year old) evidence is to tighten control on him.

    Talking about things doesn't always help. It sometimes leads to a greater conflict. To help disperse a problem, both people need to commit to proper actions and then put it in the past. Talking two years ago obviously didn't work.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
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    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    Patrick Henry

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    jns
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    BTW, if he had had the hard drive changed and the computer rebuilt and then you found a picture that went against what he said he was going to do, your case of him revisiting gay situations would be much stronger.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    Patrick Henry

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    Ok, feel free to think what you like. I have spoken to him about the whole thing since posting this, and it turns out that talking was the best solution in our case. I am not a controlling person, nor did he see me as being controlling. He said that what I found was an echo of his past and he was sorry that I had to see it. We talked and cleared the air, and I feel better. I still stand by what I said before about the picture dredging up past worries and it is only human that I was concerned that the urges behind the picture were still there. According to him, that is not the case, but that doesn't mean I retract what I said about the possibility. From everything you've said, you appear to be attacking my actions rather than providing any constructive advice as an outsider to the situation. If you had been through this exact situation I might be more understanding about your personal criticism of me being "controlling" and my handling of the situation, but as far as I am aware you haven't. Judge and criticise away if you must, but until YOU go through a situation being described by someone else, you have no idea how you might act. Trust me, you might surprise yourself. Try and be a little more forgiving of the human condition, or at least stick to giving useful advice.

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    I was going to edit your last paragraph because, frankly it was rude.

    But in retrospect, you have approached the situation twice from what I read with your boyfriend. Both answers he gave you were "plausible" and so you state you accepted them. But, not withstanding you asked your gay friend first, therefore you discussed your boyfriend's "past" habits to see if they were current with someone outside your relationship.. If you believe in honesty, then tell your boyfriend you did that, see how he feels about that.. I don't believe that he would be pleased.

    Your urge to "snoop" this time was so strong you spend a paragraph apologising and basically asking not to be judged, hense your rude answer to JNS at the end. The problem is you not only snooped, but you were on a mission to prove him wrong to have this "plausible" become a "non-plausible" maybe, therefore controlling was the wrong word but trying to "catch" someone out, does nothing for a relationship does it? Non- trust? If you continue "trying" to catch him out in another year, he may just be fed-up with being snooped on, and feeling mis-trusted and walk.

    Controlling is you facing him over and over and over again, over the years with the same issue that is not really current.. I believe that is what JNS is saying.. The guy has to keep aplogising for being himself and justifying for past actions.

    If you don't like that he "may" be gay/bi then leave... Otherwise honestly, I'd quit with the constant searching, and concentrate on your relationship as the two of you...

    This Forum doesn't judge but the members will give an opinion.. If it isn't what you wanted to hear, then maybe there is some truth in there that you need to sit down and re-value..

    His advise was use-ful... Leave it all well alone or leave him... Or you wont have a relationship.. You snooped big time and tried to catch "something"...

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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    It is okay to FEEL a little "nosey" given what he has admitted to you. Whether or not you act upon that urge of snooping is a different issue I don't think he's anymore likely to cheat on you with a man because he looks at gay porn any more than he would cheat on you with a woman because he watches straight porn. Its all about character when it comes to cheating.

    If the bigger issue is that you are hurt or worried about not being able to be one of his fantasies (the men one) realize that you can also not be both curvy blonde and DD boobs and a tiny brunette spring breaker with an athletic body. You and any woman are incabable of being the whole package of our mans fantasy files whether its men, other women, whatever you know?

    I'm glad you talked to him. Things like that have their way of surfacing anyway, if you had not talked to him your fears, worries or even anger would creep up to the surface in other ways that could prove even more damaging to the relationship than a little egg on the face for snooping know what I mean?
    Last edited by Hopeless Dork; 04-07-2012 at 04:32 PM.
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    The reason I wanted to impress that I knew I was wrong and ask for people not to judge was because I didn't want their judgements to cloud the advice they might give. I hoped that people would put that aside and give me neutral advice or perhaps share experiences of their own. Yes I appreciate that people on here will have opinions and that's fine, but when those opinions aren't accompanied by actual advice or suggestions on how to handle the situation (which I personally didn't see in jns' answers) I think that's just unhelpful, and I'm not going to apologise for saying that. That's my opinion.

    Thank you Hopeless Dork for putting the situation into some kind of perspective, I think what you said is very insightful. And I am glad I talked to him for exactly the reasons you said. Knowing me, if I hadn't talked to him I would have kept wondering about it and it would have resurfaced in some sort of outburst eventually. It was much better to just be like "hey, I'm really sorry but I went through your stuff and found this, can we talk about it?" rather than explode later on. I feel much more reassured after speaking to him about it frankly.

    Also thank you Chandler's Wish for your advice too, I will leave the situation alone. I've done some thinking big-time and after telling me that his curiosity was just that and is now in the past, I'm happy to leave it there too.
    Last edited by possiblybiboyfriend; 04-08-2012 at 02:44 AM.

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    You know, JNS said:-

    BTW, if he had had the hard drive changed and the computer rebuilt and then you found a picture that went against what he said he was going to do, your case of him revisiting gay situations would be much stronger.
    Usually a at the end of that may suggest he is trying to "help" by saying don't keep looking, it will ruin your relationship... I understand it "looked" like an attack.

    You have to understand, JNS, me, others , well we be here for a long time reading simular things.

    You know?> I meant what I said... You established a long time ago he may be curious.. That sort of information naturally is going to eat at you, worry you.

    But, most bi-curious people when in a committed relationship, are there because they "love" that person and are happy... Just like cheating on a woman, they don't want to but doesn't mean they won't look at one..

    We honestly just want you to try to forget what you initially found out.. So that you can enjoy this relationship without fear, therefore, without checking and hope it turns into the dreams you want, for life.

    Seriously, if a person is going to cheat they will.. Nothing you can do about it.

    Want to know how you will know? It won't be from snooping because that will destroy the relationship.. It will be how he treats you, or she. Sex.. Intimacy or just doing it.. It will be in the smile, or no smile, the no reason hug.. The laughter or no laughter.

    We know our members and what they mean. We also know how something can be taken wrong when new.

    Just look for the signs within, not on a computer.

    Happy Easter mam.
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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