He is SO hard-headed

**MeAndG** · 09-11-2007 07:07 PM

Okay, this may be a long one. I think I need to hear from a guy, but maybe someone else has experienced this and can tell me how it worked out. I am crazy about the man I have been seeing for some time. He is rough around the edges (okay, he's a redneck), but he would give you the shirt off his back if he thought you needed it. He is the guy that would pull you out of a burning house. Not perfect by any means, but he is a very good person. I say the praises because the rest is my complaint. It is the thing that has kept us from moving forward with the relationship and has had me very close to the point of leaving him. He is VERY headstrong (as I am) and gets suspicious of actions very easily. Once he gets something in his mind that he believes is true, he hangs onto it like a bulldog and refuses to believe that it is any different than what he believes - no matter what you say. To him, it is cut and dry - his perception is the truth. It is incredibly frustrating because there have been several instances where he misunderstood what I meant or said (some of these very personal). When I tried to explain and tell him what I really meant (or didn't mean) or said (by the way-he is also hard of hearing, which has caused some of the misunderstanding), he refuses to believe me. He'll make statements like "how can you be honest with me if you aren't honest with yourself." I feel like I'm being called a liar, but it is really just that we don't percieve certain things or phrases the same way. I understand that, but he doesn't. He simply continues to insist that he knows exactly what I meant or what I thought - and he is wrong. I'm not lying to him and I'm not lying to myself. He simply misunderstood. I'm almost to a point where I wonder if I should just walk away. We are both very stubborn and I continue to stick to my guns because I know I am being honest with him. But then he just gets angry and accuses me of being dishonest and says that he won't be taken for a fool. Then he will bring it up over and over again, still not believing me. During one of these episodes, I finally just threw up my hands and said "whatever, you're right" - even though he wasn't. I was just tired of arguing about it and wanted it to end because he was becoming unreasonably angry. Of course, sure enough, down the road he brought it up again and again and used the "admission" against me. A simple misunderstanding turns into full blown arguments. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. He says he wants me to be open and be able to speak my mind, but when I do he sooooo often takes it the wrong way or gets angry. If I don't open up, he accuses me of "holding back" on him. No matter what I do, it comes back to haunt me. And I have to mention that these arguments usually revolve around some kind of jealousy or intimate issue. The dialog usually ends up with him saying I'm not being honest with him and me saying I am. He'll say he is right and I just won't admit it. How do I handle this?

I can't say something is true when I know it isn't. That is the same as lying. And yet, I'm being called a liar for telling the truth. Does anyone have any advice? I'm almost at the end of my rope.

**Still Nobody** · 09-12-2007 04:20 AM

Originally Posted by MeAndG

Okay, this may be a long one. I think I need to hear from a guy, but maybe someone else has experienced this and can tell me how it worked out. I am crazy about the man I have been seeing for some time. He is rough around the edges (okay, he's a redneck), but he would give you the shirt off his back if he thought you needed it. He is the guy that would pull you out of a burning house. Not perfect by any means, but he is a very good person. I say the praises because the rest is my complaint. It is the thing that has kept us from moving forward with the relationship and has had me very close to the point of leaving him. He is VERY headstrong (as I am) and gets suspicious of actions very easily. Once he gets something in his mind that he believes is true, he hangs onto it like a bulldog and refuses to believe that it is any different than what he believes - no matter what you say. To him, it is cut and dry - his perception is the truth. It is incredibly frustrating because there have been several instances where he misunderstood what I meant or said (some of these very personal). When I tried to explain and tell him what I really meant (or didn't mean) or said (by the way-he is also hard of hearing, which has caused some of the misunderstanding), he refuses to believe me. He'll make statements like "how can you be honest with me if you aren't honest with yourself." I feel like I'm being called a liar, but it is really just that we don't percieve certain things or phrases the same way. I understand that, but he doesn't. He simply continues to insist that he knows exactly what I meant or what I thought - and he is wrong. I'm not lying to him and I'm not lying to myself. He simply misunderstood. I'm almost to a point where I wonder if I should just walk away. We are both very stubborn and I continue to stick to my guns because I know I am being honest with him. But then he just gets angry and accuses me of being dishonest and says that he won't be taken for a fool. Then he will bring it up over and over again, still not believing me. During one of these episodes, I finally just threw up my hands and said "whatever, you're right" - even though he wasn't. I was just tired of arguing about it and wanted it to end because he was becoming unreasonably angry. Of course, sure enough, down the road he brought it up again and again and used the "admission" against me. A simple misunderstanding turns into full blown arguments. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. He says he wants me to be open and be able to speak my mind, but when I do he sooooo often takes it the wrong way or gets angry. If I don't open up, he accuses me of "holding back" on him. No matter what I do, it comes back to haunt me. And I have to mention that these arguments usually revolve around some kind of jealousy or intimate issue. The dialog usually ends up with him saying I'm not being honest with him and me saying I am. He'll say he is right and I just won't admit it. How do I handle this?

I can't say something is true when I know it isn't. That is the same as lying. And yet, I'm being called a liar for telling the truth. Does anyone have any advice? I'm almost at the end of my rope.

I'm not sure if the redeeming qualities you listed about him at the beginning of your post can compensate for the junk he's pulling on you.

But then he just gets angry and accuses me of being dishonest and says that he won't be taken for a fool. Then he will bring it up over and over again, still not believing me. During one of these episodes, I finally just threw up my hands and said "whatever, you're right" - even though he wasn't. Of course, sure enough, down the road he brought it up again and again and used the "admission" against me.

He doesn't just sound hard-headed, he sounds paranoid and manipulative.
Plus, the way he jumps to conclusions about what you "really mean" bothers me, too.

Was there a relationship in his past that made him this way? (and now he's taking it out on you.)
What is he so jealous of?

**MeAndG** · 09-12-2007 08:49 AM

Was there a relationship in his past that made him this way? (and now he's taking it out on you.)

Yes. He had a girlfriend he thought he was in love with about 5 years ago, but she cheated on him with one of her ex-boyfriends. Plus he has watched his grown son get jerked around a number of times by women. He gets suspicious of little things that mean nothing, but he bases it on the cheaters actions. I have told him MANY times that I am not her and I am NOT like his son's girlfriends. I have been completely faithful to him for 4 years now. I can't keep fighting the battle. And to make it worse, the cheating girlfriend continues to call him periodically and tries to get him back - after 5 years! I think it constantly reminds him and starts the suspicion all over again. Yes, there is a pattern of the episodes with things that happen to him.

What is he so jealous of?

My ex-husband. This is somewhat graphic, but AGAIN, through a misunderstanding he believes my ex was extremely well endowed and that I will someday want to go back to that (the ex was probably a little larger than most, but definitely not anything special and the ex-girlfriend cheated on him with an ex-boyfriend who was supposedly larger). He thinks he can never totally satisfy me. Which is completely untrue. I have tried to make him understand, but he refuses to believe that a woman who has been with someone with a large penus can be completely satisfied with a normal size man. The redneck comes out in his thinking that in order to be completely satisfied, a woman should be able to have an orgasm just from intercourse motion alone. ALL women know that is wrong, but because his ex-wife did (and apparently the ex-girlfriend-but I have my doubts) he thinks all women should and that a woman is somehow not totally satisfied unless she does. Such ****. My sex life with my ex was terrible (you can't have a good long term sex life with someone who doesn't care if you are satisfied or doesn't know how to show love outside the bedroom - no matter what size they are). Again, he doesn't believe me about that. He thinks I was basically controlled by the sex and just the rest of the marriage was bad. He actually believes I stayed in the marriage so long (19 years) because of the sex. RUBBISH!! I stayed because I felt obligated to the family (2 kids) and I have told him this MANY times. G knows he is insecure about it, but no matter how good it is between us, he won't let go of the idea that he can't satisfy me.

I have to say that outside of this particular issue, G is extremely supportive, kind hearted, attentive, etc. Just not when he gets in this particular mode. Thank God it doesn't happen that often, but when it does, I can't help but feel like giving up even though I love him very much. It is these episodes that are slowly killing me and I am afraid killing the love we have. It seems so hopeless that he will ever get past it. And I don't know any way to help get him over it. If I try to tell him that it doesn't matter and that I am completely happy with him, he doesn't believe me and he gets angry because "you just won't admit it." He gets angry because he thinks I am not being honest with him. And of course, he always apologizes after it is over, but he still believes he was right. I know he sounds paranoid, controlling, and manipulative. I have certainly gone over that in my head and have actually told him so. But I also know that it stems from his insecurities. I want this ****** issue to die and let us just be us. We will go long periods without it coming up and then BANG!, it rears it's ugly head again.

**MeAndG** · 09-12-2007 08:50 AM

Was there a relationship in his past that made him this way? (and now he's taking it out on you.)

Yes. He had a girlfriend he thought he was in love with about 5 years ago, but she cheated on him with one of her ex-boyfriends. Plus he has watched his grown son get jerked around a number of times by women. He gets suspicious of little things that mean nothing, but he bases it on the cheaters actions. I have told him MANY times that I am not her and I am NOT like his son's girlfriends. I have been completely faithful to him for 4 years now. I can't keep fighting the battle. And to make it worse, the cheating girlfriend continues to call him periodically and tries to get him back - after 5 years! I think it constantly reminds him and starts the suspicion all over again. Yes, there is a pattern of the episodes with things that happen to him.

What is he so jealous of?

My ex-husband. This is somewhat graphic, but AGAIN, through a misunderstanding he believes my ex was extremely well endowed and that I will someday want to go back to that (the ex was probably a little larger than most, but definitely not anything special and the ex-girlfriend cheated on him with an ex-boyfriend who was supposedly larger). He thinks he can never totally satisfy me. Which is completely untrue. I have tried to make him understand, but he refuses to believe that a woman who has been with someone with a large penus can be completely satisfied with a normal size man. The redneck comes out in his thinking that in order to be completely satisfied, a woman should be able to have an orgasm just from intercourse motion alone. ALL women know that is wrong, but because his ex-wife did (and apparently the ex-girlfriend-but I have my doubts) he thinks all women should and that a woman is somehow not totally satisfied unless she does. Such ****. My sex life with my ex was terrible (you can't have a good long term sex life with someone who doesn't care if you are satisfied or doesn't know how to show love outside the bedroom - no matter what size they are). Again, he doesn't believe me about that. He thinks I was basically controlled by the sex and just the rest of the marriage was bad. He actually believes I stayed in the marriage so long (19 years) because of the sex. RUBBISH!! I stayed because I felt obligated to the family (2 kids) and I have told him this MANY times. G knows he is insecure about it, but no matter how good it is between us, he won't let go of the idea that he can't satisfy me.

I have to say that outside of this particular issue, G is extremely supportive, kind hearted, attentive, etc. Just not when he gets in this particular mode. Thank God it doesn't happen that often, but when it does, I can't help but feel like giving up even though I love him very much. It is these episodes that are slowly killing me and I am afraid killing the love we have. It seems so hopeless that he will ever get past it. And I don't know any way to help get him over it. If I try to tell him that it doesn't matter and that I am completely happy with him, he doesn't believe me and he gets angry because "you just won't admit it." He gets angry because he thinks I am not being honest with him. And of course, he always apologizes after it is over, but he still believes he was right. I know he sounds paranoid, controlling, and manipulative. I have certainly gone over that in my head and have actually told him so. But I also know that it stems from his insecurities. I want this ****** issue to die and let us just be us. We will go long periods without it coming up and then BANG!, it rears it's ugly head again.

**dr.mansview** · 09-12-2007 11:38 AM

"still nobody's" advice was pretty much what i was thinking too..

**JubesInquest** · 09-12-2007 02:14 PM

That's too much nonsense to be dealing with.

"Still Nobody" raises good points. IMO, I can't be bothered with what this guy's putting you through.

He wants things his way or the highway. He misunderstands easily because he only wants to see things his way: a woman is manipulating and getting over on him.

I'd have to cut that loose. Life is too short for bull****.

**Still Nobody** · 09-14-2007 02:01 AM

So, the way he acts is inspired by his past experiences with a cheating ex-girlfriend, his son's trouble with women, and (wouldn't you know it) penis size anxiety.
Well, say hello to George Clooney for me 'cause -- **** girl, you are in THE PERFECT STORM!!
He's been burned by a cheater in the past and he's paranoid that you'll do the same to him sooner or later.
And the penis size thing...well...um...yeah, that's a tough one, too. If he's as stubborn as you say he is and penis size is one of his issue's...well, trust me you have one of an uphill battle on your hands.
If these are the things that he is hard-headed about, then it's going to be **** near impossible to convince him that he's wrong about who you are, and who you really are.

If I try to tell him that it doesn't matter and that I am completely happy with him, he doesn't believe me and he gets angry because "you just won't admit it."

No matter how many times you have tried to reassure him or convince him otherwise, he still thinks you are a liar. It sounds like his mind is made up about you, and probably every woman he'll ever be with.
And if he's not just taking things out on you, then it may be that he's the kind of person who needs to be reassured all the time, or whenever his ego dictates it.

I wish I knew something you could say to him that would fix everything and make it better for you, but I don't. I hope things work out for you, whatever you decide.

**free spirit** · 09-28-2007 07:57 AM

Wow. That could have been me 20yrs ago. Forget him. I know the type of 'redneck' you are dealing with. You described him ooh so well. Things will only escalate. He is 'nice' to you, just to keep you near him. He wants to control you. That's how he feels like more of a man.

His constant accusations are a way of belittling you and keeping you controlled. He is the one with the low self-esteem. Previous gf cheating my a$$.

There is no hope for a peaceful loving relationship. Especially with the bit about women should be able to get off with just intercourse. Do yourself a favor and just leave. You'll be glad you did.

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