Friend just got out of jail... please help me know what to say to her

**asiangrace** · 06-30-2012 12:59 PM

I have a dear friend who has always been like a little sister to me. Unfortunately, she's made some bad decisions over the last several years, the latest landed her in jail for 30 days for a felony. She has been released and is 3 years on probation. She was dating a guy and he went to jail for the same thing. For the next 3 years, they are prohibited to have any contact with each other.
I am one of the only person she confides in. She wrote me a little last night about how she still loves this guy and that she doesn't understand why people don't support her relationship with him, and that he's not bad. (they have gotten in nothing but trouble with each other the last couple of years, including nights in jail). He IS bad for her. But I know right now, she's not open to hearing that right now because it's all that people are saying to her. She's in a very dark and depressed state right now - and rightly so! She has so much on her plate. I don't know what to say to her. I want to be honest with her but not overbearing. I don't want her to shut down on me since I am the only person she truly confides in. What can I say to her? what can I say when she argues that her boyfriend is good for her? She is still talking about marrying him. She's living with her dad and sister and dad's girlfriend right now who have taken her in and want to support her when she gets back on her feet. She has a very good family support group, which I am so grateful for. I live 1300 miles away from her, so the only communication we have is just phone or computer.

**jns** · 06-30-2012 03:45 PM

If you want to keep in touch with her, you cannot come across as strongly disapproving. However, that does not mean you have to endorse her relationship with him.

For all intents and purposes, she no longer has a relationship with him if she follows what she agreed to to get released on probation. Any further relationship within the next three years is illegal for her. Because of that, she could go back to jail soon. I expect her to violated the terms of her probation if she has not done so already.

What are her plans for life other than marrying bf who is a felon? If she has any plans, maybe you can get her moving forward on those. It may be rough since she has a felony conviction and has served time.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-30-2012 03:51 PM

It's hard when all we want is the best for people we love, yet we can not make them go in the direction we know that they should take. Some people need to fall over and over before they get up, others once.

I have no doubt, he will ensure that she keeps in contact and that they break the rules, he doesn't live by rules and she has learnt his way.

I think you have to be a friend, someone who accepts her for who she is, and her choices in life but as JNS stated, not agree with her relationship but no throw any comments down her throat.

I would agree also with JNS, focus on trying to bring out her other plans, goals in life and try to be a part of that, forcing I guess that side so that she really sees it, in front of her and has doubts about her current/past life.