Thread: out grew my friends

I think we have seasonal relationships in life, that we don't necessarily outgrow, but move on from. I always find it very sad when my girlfriends pull away from me after having a baby, just because I don't have a child. As if I'm not capable of understanding that a womans life changes after having a baby. Not saying this is the case with you, but are we seriously at a point in life that we only value those who are like ourselves? I hear a lot of women say "well I'm a mom now, I don't go out like I used to". So?? You shouldn't be incapable of maintaining friendships with someone who does still go out and have a good time or live a life that is perfectly compatible with yours.

In your case, you moved away.... I'm sure that you all have grown apart. It doesn't necessarily mean you've outgrown them though........ perhaps they've outgrown you.

It's hard to relate with somebody who doesn't share the same kind of interest in the #1 most important thing in your life - your child. But they were your friends before, what did you have in common? Was the friendship worthwhile before you had your son? Do you think your geographical distance has anything to do with outgrowing them?
I feel what you're saying. I'm a stay at home mom, I live too far away from most of my friends to visit, and I just don't have a lot in common with some of my old friends anymore. The big things we used to talk about - boys, school, and work - I just don't have those things anymore. Obviously, I have a husband, but it would be downright hateful of me to wax poetic about how great he is if my friend is going through a breakup or feeling like all the good men are gone. I can only contribute things I used to do in conversations about school or work. That's tiresome.

Make sure you're replacing these close bonds that you're loosening with some new ones, some people closer to you both physically and mentally. Don't cut your ties, though. Unless the friendships were unhealthy, you never know when one of them might suddenly get more interesting After all, lots of women get married and have babies. They just do it on a different timetable than us.

One friendship in particular I was the one that constantly did all the work. I was the one that held it together. I did this for years. I knew we were growing apart but with our past friendship I tried to do whatever I could to keep her happy. It was always about her. And now that I've moved away and had a baby I can't constantly catter to her needs. I don't care about her bs. I have my own life now. I have very little time to devote to making the relationship work. And she is so selfish. She is used to me doing everything. She hadn't even shown any interest in my son. But whatever. I'm over it.

I'm not cutting ties I just refuse to be taken advantage of. I have too much going on to do it. Just once can one of my old friends call and say hey its been awhile how are you and the new baby? No, no they won't bc they are too busy to give a care in the world. I'm expected to cart my child all over town and visit when he eats every two hours, sleeps randomly and hates car rides. It's 100 degrees and he true heat rash... And I have to borrow a car... But I'm supposed to jump up and run over at any min. No! I've asked these friends multiple times to come see us. They won't do it bc they are busy, or broke or whatever. Okay so I ask for a day I can come visit they say they don't no their schedule... Okay...
To me it seems like they dont want to see me.

Then when my one good friend comes and sees me nearly every day and we go out to lunch or dinner all of my so called friends get mad bc I'm avoiding them and only hanging out with her.... Wtf. Creating Facebook drama, and talking behind my back. Whatever!
The only thing my so called friends have asked me to do is go to a bar. Seriously I can't my baby wakes up at night I have to feed him, he gets up early in the AM. I can't and don't want go out and party.

So yes I think I have out grown them. Say what you want but I believe I've grown up. My main goal in life is to be a good mother.

When you put it that way, it's obvious that those friendships weren't on solid ground to begin with. It's not necessarily about the baby or motherhood though ... if you'd come home to visit and had some reason you couldn't bow and scrape and be called to their sides at a minute's notice, those friends would have had this reaction anyways.
(Sadly, I've been there and done that. I have actually been hiding when I go home to visit from Facebook just so I don't run into this kind of situation.)
True friends reciprocate. They're understanding. They work with you. They keep you posted. You learn to nod and smile through tirades of how much your "friends" want to see you.

I don't have a best friend.

So yes I think I have out grown them. Say what you want but I believe I've grown up. My main goal in life is to be a good mother.

Your original post made it look like since you are now a mother you've "outgrown" your friends who are not.

Based on your second post, which goes into a lot more detail over why you truly don't want these girls as friends, I can totally see why. It has nothing to do with being a mother or being married or anything of that nature. It has to do with the fact that these girls weren't true friends to begin with, and perhaps it took moving away and getting out of that situation to realize that. So yes, you have grown. But, in regards to our responses, you have to look at the message you left us with......and if you had told us that kind of stuff you did in your second post to begin with, our responses would've been quite different. It is always good to let go of unhealthy baggage, and it sounds like they were.

I don't have a best friend.

Some people don't develop their deep friendships until later in life. But of course it requires putting yourself out there and being willing to make friends.