hey girls. i am a male on a woment health support forums...

this is long.. but i need your help and advice please read it all

iv been incredably ****** recently with my fiancee.....

one night, i was drinking fairly heavely, she was drinking but not so much, that night when in bed i kept asking for things which isnt very like me, she kept saying no, for some reason i dont know why i kept comming back, i stoped for 10 minits then began foreplay, she deny's it but she was makeing noises + grumbling talk, after about 5 minits i asked if she wanted to have sex, she had the most distinct potitive moan iv ever heard, so i taken it as a yes, while i was doing it she was moveing to make things easier... but about 6-7 minits into it i suddenly get a "what the **** are you doing!?!" at which point i realised ****... she was asleep... and instantly stopped

after hours of tears.... because i cant belive i didnt have that level of self-controll and she was obviously upset to wake up to me haveing sex with her! which i dont ever expect to be forgiven for.

she wouldnt let me leave the room that night... i kept saying i didnt deserve to stay in the room that night, that i was gna go for a walk, come back n sleep somewhere else in the flat. but she wudnt let me out of the room... she wouldnt let me leave in fear of me doing something ****** (dodgey area we were in) she just wouldnt let me leave, n she still wanted to share the bed with me. so eventually she convinced me to stay. i asked in tears if everythings gna be ok.. she said she dunno... i asked if she still loved me.. she said yes, asked if she still wanted to be with me.. she said yes.. and if she still wanted to marry me... she said yes...

but the next day when talking about it she admited to saying those things so that i wudnt leave the room that night.. she says she dosent know why but she does still loves me. which im frankly amazed at.

im scared of looseing her but at the same time i wouldnt blame her if she did. were still together at the moment altho she hasnt seen me since that day - understandably she needs some time....

she says she hasent been able to stop thinking about it all day yesterday, she is seriously emotionally hurt... again im not suprised.

she said that she knows i was drunk, she knows i wouldnt do that if i was sober, she knows how sorry i am and she knows if i cud turn back time and change it i would.

weve been thru alot... and i dont want it to end at the same time im not going to think its gna instantly be ok, i know its going to take time.

im not trying to aim for forgiveness, comfort or any form of sympathy by comming here. i know iv done wrong, i know iv been a total ****.... but im so scared of looseing her... i seriously dont want to and cant loose her... i love her so much, i couldnt loose her, she is my world.

i was raped at a young age, so i know some of what is going through her mind, but not everybody is the same. and im very very scared.

again not looking for sympathy looking for honest views

i have to ask you ladies what would be going through your minds?

thanks for takeing the time to read all of this and hopefully reply.

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about all this. Sounds like the two of you are in a very tough spot.

I guess I would suggest making an appointment with a counselor so the two of you can talk openly about it and hopefully work through it. Most counselors are hard to get in to though so you'd have to call ASAP. If you don't have insurance, there are plenty that offer reduced rates you'll just have to call around.

I would let her know that you are willing to talk about it whenever she is ready but don't push her, considering that's what got you into this mess.

Have you drank since then? It may be a good idea to give up alcohol for a while too.

no iv vowed to stop drinking... its scared me that i could get like that.

This is actually a common thing that happens. In fact, it happened to me once. I was asleep and woke up having sex with my man unexpectedly. It freaked me out and I instantly was like "what the heck is going on??" I became defensive and kind of creeped out initially. But I soon calmed down and got over it. I have always been a sleep walker anyway. I talk in my sleep and things like that and never even know it most of the time. We can function on a subcontious level and never even know we are doing it. Especially when alcohol is involved. That makes it more likely to happen. Honestly, I think this is where some of the confusion comes in when a girl gets drunk at a party, the guy swears on his life that she wanted it, but the girl doesn't remember any of it. Sleep seems to have a similar effect on some people.

You should both do some research on this together and talk about the fact that things like that happen every day to people all over the world. It was just a misunderstanding of sorts and you didn't mean her any harm. I mean, if you had plans to get married, I don't think this should be such a big deal as long as it happened just the way you said. Keep doing all you can to reassure her you didn't mean any harm and how much you love her. I think talking about with a counselor could help. They could probably even explain to you how situations like that can happen.

Hope it all works out for you.

I agree:

See a counselor--both of you together

Stop drinking. It's not good at all, and you wind up hurting those you love when you're in a drunken stupor. You don't mean it, but it happens.

Also, see a therapist about you having been raped at an young age. Did you ever get to deal with that part of your life?
That is such a serious and traumatic thing to have happen. Does your fiancee know about this?

If you plan on getting married to her, maybe you should first deal with this very serious and sensitive matter. Get that objective help so that you can heal; and then perhaps the therapist will bring your fiancee in on the healing/recovery process.

I hope this works out for you.

I as prodigy had a similar instance not to long ago, even posted a thread on it because of being upset over it. But after he and I talked about it I was more at ease and haven't given it a second thought. Turned out to be just a big misunderstanding on my part. Talk it out with her, even go to a counselor as Jubes suggested. Communication is a key part of a relationship.

Good luck!