Younger boyfriend who lies
Funny that I have to ask for an advice on one of the most important decisions in my life but I honestly need help. I am 33 yrs old living with a 24 year old for the past 18 months. He is a good person and good morals but he has done some things that make me wonder if I truly know this person. He has stolen $ from me when he did not have a job and lied about it. I forgave him (or I thought I did) but I just found out he has been looking at port and he lied about it again. I don’t like porn but I know men like it and I can live with that but this has re-open the wound. Do I know him and is he really a good person or a fake?
What concerns me is that he denies everything until I show him the proof, he is not honest when I first give them the opportunity, he denies and denies until he has no way out.
Unbeliveble but I still think he loves me.. silly me. We were planning on getting married and starting a family very soon but know I don’t know what to do.
Just by reading my e-mail I know the writing is all over the wall, but is that how it is? Are these the type of signs we should look at before things get out to proportion? Or am I just over-reacting and this is just the way life is?
Last edited by NoraEU; 10-16-2007 at 05:01 AM.
The thing that has surprised me more than anything since I started reading this site is the importance many women attach to men watching porn. In this case, your SO stole money from you, and you could live with that, but maybe not with his watching porn.
Many men do watch porn. Many will lie about it to avoid the (to them) out of scale negative reaction to it from many women.
Originally Posted by NoraEU
I just don't get it.
You mean to tell me you want to marry a 24-year-old man that hasn't grown up yet; is stealing from you and doing things behind your back?
You want to build a marriage based on this?
Where's the trust? Where's the "open-ness" Why steal from someone that loves you? And, if you "love" someone, why WOULD you steal from that person?
Now think: if he does this behind your back, what else will he do behind your back AFTER you're married?
He's showing how he is and how he WILL BE should you marry him... but looking at how he acts, he's not ready for marriage at all---he's not ready for a relationship, either.
Quitters never win; Winners don't give in
I'm in a similar situation with a younger guy. The lies are different but the behavior (on both our parts) is the same.
The problem is that you have set the tone for how he can treat you in the relationship. You forgave him over the money thing and the porn thing. Now he knows that all he has to do is say sorry and everything is fine.
He's not going to stop looking at porn. If it bugs you then you need to not be with him. If the relationship is worth keeping then you need to let the porn thing go. A lot of guys look at porn and don't see anything wrong with it. From the sounds of it, he's not going to stop because you say it hurts your feelings.
Funny You Should Mention This....
A very similar discussion occured today when a woman who
was deep in her forties, and a guy who didn't look thirty were
at a particular place and the center of attention, cause she
looked every year she had lived, and people were all figuring
it was $ or something other than the woman.
A client of mine was in that position and I told her to take
away the car she had bought for her husband. Just put it
in the shop and see what happens.
If he goes insane of 'his' car, then you know exactly what
he's there for. If it doesn't bother him very much, well,
then the car is not the centre of the universe.
It's not the stealing, it's the lying.
For example, You go into your husband's pocket to pay
for a package and say; "Dear, I 'stole' ten dollars from you
to pay for that package."
Lying is cowardice. People full of fear lie. they lie because
that is how they are built. He will lie about anything.
And men who lie, steal and men who steal cheat. It's
a 'fully loaded' system.
Many times in life I've done something and walk in to
see someone shrieking about 'who did this?' and I
say, "Me." I know why I do things, and I have no
problem in admitting it.
His answer when confronted should of been 'yes',
but he's got his sugar mommy, and when sugar mommy
can't give him get him what he wants, he'll get another.
If you marry him, get a good lawyer and invite her to
the wedding, and give her a copy of the marriage certificate
as soon as the ink is dry to save time.
BTW, you better pay her in advance cause lover boy
will make sure you won't have a bus fare when he's done.
When a woman is lonely and looking for love, we will make everything wrong, everything right. She is looking for her Prince Charming. The one she dreamed about as a little girl. Getting older makes these dreams seem farther away and she makes excuses for his excuses. She finds that she accepts what she would not have accepted years ago and she grabs at these little pieces of heaven rather than to sit alone and dream about what she had and wonder if she should have let it go.
We can answer all these women and tell them how wrong that they are but most of us sit with the comfort of a lover and know the thrill of being wanted. If they continue this path that they are walking now they will probably be hurt. If they are able to walk away from where they are struggling to leave now, they know what will face them.
The perils of dating a younger man will always be there, just as the ambition and hunger of a unfulfilled and lonely older woman. This seems to be the thing nowadays. Do you walk and cry now or do you do it later. It seems to me that you have answered your own question to start.....
"We can answer all these women and tell them how wrong that they are but most of us sit with the comfort of a lover and know the thrill of being wanted."
Well guess what? We all weren't born that way!
We've obviously learned from some situation--- beit one's very own or of a close loved one or whatever.
#1 -- My mother taught her girls not to buy into that "Prince Charming/Snow White" thing. You don't hang your hopes on some man coming by on a white horse to carry you away from all your problems and live happily ever after.
Real life dictates that you get yourself a good education, become independent and do for yourself. That way, you're not hung up on what someone else does or does not do.
#2 -- Self-esteem: Gotta have it! If it's not built-up, it can be the cause of all kinds rash decisions being made that one otherwise would NOT make.
If "NoraEU" is really thinking that she can go ahead and make marriage a go with this 24-year-old man, then more power to her.
I wouldn't do it because the guy has already shown himself for what he really is to her.
It's all well and good to post a comment here, but if you don't want to know what others have to say or what their opinion is of what you've written, don't post it.
I will tell it like it T.I. is from my P.O.V. I've also seen this in a lot of other posters here.
We all know that you can throw out your suggestions and opinions; it doesn't mean that the poster of the question or situation is going to follow it--they don't have to.
Last edited by JubesInquest; 10-18-2007 at 11:45 AM.
Quitters never win; Winners don't give in
Jubes, we were 'trained' to define ourselves by the
man we have.
If we don't have one; we are failures.
I have clients like 'Hilary Clinton', educated successful
women who are married to men who can't keep their
pants on.
And you know what these women say; "So What?"
Because he is having sex with the maid, the pump
attendant, the waitress in the dive, how does
that impinge upon my competence?
Because we are taught we are nothing without
a man we often get involved with nothing men
and live their lives, not our own.
How many men drop out of university to send
their wives? How many men give up a career
to stay home with the children?
Caroline is right;
She finds that she accepts what she would not have accepted years ago and she grabs at these little pieces of heaven rather than to sit alone and dream about what she had and wonder if she should have let it go.
The 'sit alone' fantasy is what gets to me. Many women can have
a thousand friends, belong to fifty clubs, have an office full of work,
but they are 'alone' because there isn't some man in their bed.
This is one of the issues we as women need to confront head on;
Defining ourselves by the Men in our lives.
Last edited by kaylar; 10-18-2007 at 12:01 PM.
Point well taken, Kaylar.
It's a societal matter. That's what society, from it's inception, has ingrained in women.
I just watched a Susan B. Anthony documentary... it inflamed me for a second, because she was out trying to talk to other women about standing up for women's rights, and boy did the men have a fit! One guy yells, "YOU NEED TO BE IN A KITCHEN... NOT OUTSIDE!!!"
It takes time to shake that I'm-not-a-whole-woman-without-a-man.... ANY man syndrome!
I think if "NoraEU" just "reviews" herself, she'll find that she deserves so much more than what she's allowed herself to accept.
And if she's patient, she'll run into that person that's just what she's looking for.
Quitters never win; Winners don't give in
What we are taught years ago and what was drilled into us does not always hold true. Love blinds. My comments are my thinking like yours are yours. Putting yourself in this situation is a killer to start. You do not think of your Mother's words, you think of your inner feelings. The heat starts and affects all of you as a woman."We can answer all these women and tell them how wrong that they are but most of us sit with the comfort of a lover and know the thrill of being wanted."
Well guess what? We all weren't born that way!
We've obviously learned from some situation--- beit one's very own or of a close loved one or whatever.
#1 -- My mother taught her girls not to buy into that "Prince Charming/Snow White" thing. You don't hang your hopes on some man coming by on a white horse to carry you away from all your problems and live happily ever after.
Real life dictates that you get yourself a good education, become independent and do for yourself. That way, you're not hung up on what someone else does or does not do.
#2 -- Self-esteem: Gotta have it! If it's not built-up, it can be the cause of all kinds rash decisions being made that one otherwise would NOT make.
If "NoraEU" is really thinking that she can go ahead and make marriage a go with this 24-year-old man, then more power to her.
I wouldn't do it because the guy has already shown himself for what he really is to her.
It's all well and good to post a comment here, but if you don't want to know what others have to say or what their opinion is of what you've written, don't post it.
I will tell it like it T.I. is from my P.O.V. I've also seen this in a lot of other posters here.
We all know that you can throw out your suggestions and opinions; it doesn't mean that the poster of the question or situation is going to follow it--they don't have to.
I, like you, just throw out my thoughts. Oh and real life does not matter when the heat is there and blinds you. How you feel is not how this woman feels. She is battling both her wisdom and her hot sexual self. I think that she is just learning herself as a woman, and just growing into her sexual self. I believe that as a woman ages she grows in her need for sex. This woman is wiser than she has ever been in her sexual self hence the need for the man and his love.....And believe me I value other comments.....And expect it....
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