Husband needs womens advice and suggestions

sadhubby · 10-22-2007, 11:22 AM

OK ladies, I know sometimes it gets old hearing from us guys on a "womens board" but I thought there isnt any better source to go to but you "guys"......OK here is my situation......33 years old, 2nd marriage, to a 29 year old woman, her 1st marriage.....been together for 7 years, have 2 kids, 5 and 3..I have a daughter from my first wife but have a great relationship with the ex, so none of the typical ex drama....have struggled most of our relationship with issues such as money, jobs, career decisions and her health as she is bi-polar......for the last 3-4 years we have been more of roomates than husband/wife and obviously have had no intimacy whatsoever.....recently, we have both landed pretty good jobs and see the light from the money problems, but the damage has been done...recent talks with my wife has revealed that although she claims to love me deeply, she has no interest in intimacy, doesnt feel attracted to me, has no need for sex and believes this is just who she is now......we have talked about divorce and she feels, I believe that she might be happier w/o being attached or held accountable for working on this problem.....I mean, how do you fall in love with someone AGAIN after several years of going thru hardship with that person??????......How do I just wait and continue to stay in a relationship with only hope that she will somehow come back to me???...the thought of divorce is scary to say the least.....although I carry a lot of resentment towards my wife, I am able to hold it in and disolve it when times are going good and wonder why she cant do the same, after all, I havent cheated on her, done anything "major", she just says that over the years, she has resented me for small things, such as having a child with another woman, having to include her in our lives, not picking up after myself (which I am trying).....I guess the big question is how does a woman re-connect with their husband?...is therapy the only way of repairing such a relationship?....I wake up everyday, EVERYDAY and think of ways to show my wife how much I love her, but dont feel she gives anywhere close to the same effort, but she says she thinks about it all the time......I think she is open to trying to make it work, but I need ideas, things that have worked for other people, not just hope that a therapist, an hour a week will be able to help us out...anyone have any ideas?

Once again, sorry to unload on you ladies, I feel bad enough having to ask help .... as a guy, I want to fix it, but this isnt something I can just fix with a hammer and seems like I am having to force someone to love me.....makes me feel pittyful to say the least.

Thank you in advance,

Adam

**sourpuss** · 10-22-2007, 01:53 PM

You two need to see a therapist. ASAP

It would be good to talk openly while the two of you are still interested in working on it and are still open to hearing what the other has to say.

**JubesInquest** · 10-22-2007, 02:25 PM

Whoa....

what a situation!

"we have talked about divorce"

So what did she say, exactly?

"... she just says that over the years, she has resented me for small things, such as having a child with another woman, having to include her in our lives, not picking up after myself ... "

Ok, therapy is a good thing. Will she agree to it?

Your wife just told you that she is angry with you (or resents you) because you had a child with another woman and you have to include your child's mother into your lives.

I'd love to ask her what the h*ll was she thinking?
Didn't she know all this before you 2 got married? So why is she so resentful now? Why didn't she just turn your marriage proposal down when she saw that you had an ex with a child in your life?

She's basically jealous of you and your ex... and the child you have with her.

Jealousy is a very dangerous and poisonous thing. Once it sinks into the system, it's very hard to recover from. A lot of people don't recover from it.
She has to be willing to admit to her jealousy and insecurity. Always in the back of her mind, she's thinking you 2 are getting together and cheating on her--even though there's no proof and you haven't given her reason to think that way.

You're not kidding: your marriage has taken a rather hard hit.
Is she willing to mend and let go of those insecure and jealous ways? Will you be able to have a heart to make a go of the marriage?

If she's willing to go to counseling, then she's at least taken a step in the direction of healing this marriage---and also, is she on medication for that bi-polar disorder? She also needs to stay on that regularly.
Hopefully this will work out.

sadhubby · 10-22-2007, 03:51 PM

Yes, we have talked about seeing a therapist together, but initially she wanted to see one first..., thus her appointment this week actually....as far as the issue with me having another child, I dont think she has any issues about me and my ex together, but rather the fact that our family (me, her and our 2 sons) arent the perfect family in her mind as visitations and such as a hassle at times to schedule/coordinate......Her medication for her illnes has always been an issue until recently (last couple of months) as it appears to be on the right track, but I am left standing with all the memories of being the sole parent during the times of the "lows" and placing my resentment aside to offer a shoulder to cry and recoop on....which I have no problem with doing, but I have a problem with her not being able to do the same for me......I just cant phathom why my wife cant see the things that I have done and use this as motivation to let her guard down and the resentment pass......I know as a man, I have expectations that obviously she doesnt have....example...if it were myself that had the "distant, non-inlove" feelings for my wife and I TRULY wanted it to work out......I would force myself into looking at my wife for all the good she has done, all the good that she brings to our family and although I have resentment towards her, I want this to work out so I will make it a TOP PRIORITY to make her feel loved..........so why is that so hard to ask her to do the same?.....Is it that I want our marriage more than she does?...........Im not asking her to jump in the sack and "pretend" everything is ok, but should it be so difficult for her to want to show affection..........I will take some blame here as she does say that I always want more than she has to offer since she has NO drive at all....and I have what I think is a higher than normal drive so it does make it hard sometimes to deal with the denials....but I just dont think I am asking to much, I just want to see some effort put forth from her and she seems comfortable but says she is unhappy????.......what a mess.

**JubesInquest** · 10-23-2007, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadhubby

Yes, we have talked about seeing a therapist together, but initially she wanted to see one first..., thus her appointment this week actually....as far as the issue with me having another child, I dont think she has any issues about me and my ex together, but rather the fact that our family (me, her and our 2 sons) arent the perfect family in her mind as visitations and such as a hassle at times to schedule/coordinate......Her medication for her illnes has always been an issue until recently (last couple of months) as it appears to be on the right track, but I am left standing with all the memories of being the sole parent during the times of the "lows" and placing my resentment aside to offer a shoulder to cry and recoop on....which I have no problem with doing, but I have a problem with her not being able to do the same for me......I just cant phathom why my wife cant see the things that I have done and use this as motivation to let her guard down and the resentment pass......I know as a man, I have expectations that obviously she doesnt have....example...if it were myself that had the "distant, non-inlove" feelings for my wife and I TRULY wanted it to work out......I would force myself into looking at my wife for all the good she has done, all the good that she brings to our family and although I have resentment towards her, I want this to work out so I will make it a TOP PRIORITY to make her feel loved..........so why is that so hard to ask her to do the same?.....Is it that I want our marriage more than she does?...........Im not asking her to jump in the sack and "pretend" everything is ok, but should it be so difficult for her to want to show affection..........I will take some blame here as she does say that I always want more than she has to offer since she has NO drive at all....and I have what I think is a higher than normal drive so it does make it hard sometimes to deal with the denials....but I just dont think I am asking to much, I just want to see some effort put forth from her and she seems comfortable but says she is unhappy????.......what a mess.

So why is your wife resentful of your ex and the child you had with the ex? Well... Nevermind.

She really does need to see a therapist alone for that bi-polar disorder. If she knew BEFORE you 2 were married that you had another child, and she knew that there would be visitation and all that goes with it; if she couldn't handle it, WHY DID SHE MARRY YOU???????
Why is she seeking the "perfect family"? No family is "perfect"; and yet, every family is as perfect as it can be!
A family is what you make of it. You make things work... such as the visitation. Your child with your ex is still part of your family; and since your wife married to YOU, that child also become part of her life as well---whether she likes it or not.

It would be good for her to show you the love you show her, but I wonder if her illness has an effect on her... and she was off her meds for a while, so that needs to get back into her system on a regular basis.

It's up to you if you want to give her more time or just wait for the counseling sessions.
Just give it a try.

10-22-2007, 11:22 AM	#1
sadhubby Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 2	Husband needs womens advice and suggestions OK ladies, I know sometimes it gets old hearing from us guys on a "womens board" but I thought there isnt any better source to go to but you "guys"......OK here is my situation......33 years old, 2nd marriage, to a 29 year old woman, her 1st marriage.....been together for 7 years, have 2 kids, 5 and 3..I have a daughter from my first wife but have a great relationship with the ex, so none of the typical ex drama....have struggled most of our relationship with issues such as money, jobs, career decisions and her health as she is bi-polar......for the last 3-4 years we have been more of roomates than husband/wife and obviously have had no intimacy whatsoever.....recently, we have both landed pretty good jobs and see the light from the money problems, but the damage has been done...recent talks with my wife has revealed that although she claims to love me deeply, she has no interest in intimacy, doesnt feel attracted to me, has no need for sex and believes this is just who she is now......we have talked about divorce and she feels, I believe that she might be happier w/o being attached or held accountable for working on this problem.....I mean, how do you fall in love with someone AGAIN after several years of going thru hardship with that person??????......How do I just wait and continue to stay in a relationship with only hope that she will somehow come back to me???...the thought of divorce is scary to say the least.....although I carry a lot of resentment towards my wife, I am able to hold it in and disolve it when times are going good and wonder why she cant do the same, after all, I havent cheated on her, done anything "major", she just says that over the years, she has resented me for small things, such as having a child with another woman, having to include her in our lives, not picking up after myself (which I am trying).....I guess the big question is how does a woman re-connect with their husband?...is therapy the only way of repairing such a relationship?....I wake up everyday, EVERYDAY and think of ways to show my wife how much I love her, but dont feel she gives anywhere close to the same effort, but she says she thinks about it all the time......I think she is open to trying to make it work, but I need ideas, things that have worked for other people, not just hope that a therapist, an hour a week will be able to help us out...anyone have any ideas? Once again, sorry to unload on you ladies, I feel bad enough having to ask help .... as a guy, I want to fix it, but this isnt something I can just fix with a hammer and seems like I am having to force someone to love me.....makes me feel pittyful to say the least. Thank you in advance, Adam

10-22-2007, 02:25 PM	#3
JubesInquest VIP Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: MI Posts: 544	Whoa.... what a situation! "we have talked about divorce" So what did she say, exactly? "... she just says that over the years, she has resented me for small things, such as having a child with another woman, having to include her in our lives, not picking up after myself ... " Ok, therapy is a good thing. Will she agree to it? Your wife just told you that she is angry with you (or resents you) because you had a child with another woman and you have to include your child's mother into your lives. I'd love to ask her what the hll was she thinking? Didn't she know all this before you 2 got married?* So why is she so resentful now? Why didn't she just turn your marriage proposal down when she saw that you had an ex with a child in your life? She's basically jealous of you and your ex... and the child you have with her. Jealousy is a very dangerous and poisonous thing. Once it sinks into the system, it's very hard to recover from. A lot of people don't recover from it. She has to be willing to admit to her jealousy and insecurity. Always in the back of her mind, she's thinking you 2 are getting together and cheating on her--even though there's no proof and you haven't given her reason to think that way. You're not kidding: your marriage has taken a rather hard hit. Is she willing to mend and let go of those insecure and jealous ways? Will you be able to have a heart to make a go of the marriage? If she's willing to go to counseling, then she's at least taken a step in the direction of healing this marriage---and also, is she on medication for that bi-polar disorder? She also needs to stay on that regularly. Hopefully this will work out. __________________ Quitters never win; Winners don't give in Last edited by JubesInquest; 10-22-2007 at 02:30 PM.

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10-22-2007, 01:53 PM	#2
sourpuss WH Moderator Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Montana Posts: 1,375	You two need to see a therapist. ASAP It would be good to talk openly while the two of you are still interested in working on it and are still open to hearing what the other has to say.

10-22-2007, 03:51 PM	#4
sadhubby Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 2	Yes, we have talked about seeing a therapist together, but initially she wanted to see one first..., thus her appointment this week actually....as far as the issue with me having another child, I dont think she has any issues about me and my ex together, but rather the fact that our family (me, her and our 2 sons) arent the perfect family in her mind as visitations and such as a hassle at times to schedule/coordinate......Her medication for her illnes has always been an issue until recently (last couple of months) as it appears to be on the right track, but I am left standing with all the memories of being the sole parent during the times of the "lows" and placing my resentment aside to offer a shoulder to cry and recoop on....which I have no problem with doing, but I have a problem with her not being able to do the same for me......I just cant phathom why my wife cant see the things that I have done and use this as motivation to let her guard down and the resentment pass......I know as a man, I have expectations that obviously she doesnt have....example...if it were myself that had the "distant, non-inlove" feelings for my wife and I TRULY wanted it to work out......I would force myself into looking at my wife for all the good she has done, all the good that she brings to our family and although I have resentment towards her, I want this to work out so I will make it a TOP PRIORITY to make her feel loved..........so why is that so hard to ask her to do the same?.....Is it that I want our marriage more than she does?...........Im not asking her to jump in the sack and "pretend" everything is ok, but should it be so difficult for her to want to show affection..........I will take some blame here as she does say that I always want more than she has to offer since she has NO drive at all....and I have what I think is a higher than normal drive so it does make it hard sometimes to deal with the denials....but I just dont think I am asking to much, I just want to see some effort put forth from her and she seems comfortable but says she is unhappy????.......what a mess.