Thread: Mismatched Desire

I feel sexually frustrated a lot of the time. In the beginning of our relationship it seemed that we were pretty much compatible. Over the last 6 months or so the frequency has fallen off a great deal. I've asked him what has happened but the answer I get, "I'm not as young as I used to be", just doesn't make sense to me, he's 25 not 45.

I want sex much more than my boyfriend, not to the point of an "issue," but to the point of a minor problem.
I assume that if I talk about it to him some more openly we can resolve it.
But for now, it's back to a long-distance relationship, and he isn't often alone when we talk on the phone, so it's hard to discuss.
But I want to discuss it before he comes home so that it's not a pressuring kind of talk, "I want more sex." Well, when does that start? Tomorrow? Since he's far away, he can weigh it for a while, then choose how to act when we're back together.
Maybe that's the problem in "normal" relationships; the "less" partner isn't comfortable with immediate change, and the "more" partner doesn't see results. It can all lead to a standstill.
Good luck to all the other partners having trouble with this.

This is why I am so interested to hear from the other side. As someone who wants more sex in the relationship, I have a hard time imagining not wanting to satisfy my spouse. There have been a couple of times where I wasn't particularly in the mood when she was interested, but it was still very pleasant - happy to please her. (and I do mean "happy", I didn't feel put upon or pressured at all.

So - if there are any of the people in the "less" category here - what is it like? Maybe though, people with a low interest in sex don't read boards like this. It just isn't important to them.

Originally Posted by Fallen1

I feel sexually frustrated a lot of the time. In the beginning of our relationship it seemed that we were pretty much compatible. Over the last 6 months or so the frequency has fallen off a great deal. I've asked him what has happened but the answer I get, "I'm not as young as I used to be", just doesn't make sense to me, he's 25 not 45.

I agree that 25 isn't old enough for age to be an issue. (45 isn't either by the way). Men of all ages can have "performance" problems though. These are particularly troublesome because the more you worry about it the worse they get - could that be an issue?

Do you think he is bored, or wants something different in bed? Though as I imagine you from your posts, boredom seems very unlikely.

Originally Posted by Little

I want sex much more than my boyfriend, not to the point of an "issue," but to the point of a minor problem.
I assume that if I talk about it to him some more openly we can resolve it.
But for now, it's back to a long-distance relationship, and he isn't often alone when we talk on the phone, so it's hard to discuss.
But I want to discuss it before he comes home so that it's not a pressuring kind of talk, "I want more sex." Well, when does that start? Tomorrow? Since he's far away, he can weigh it for a while, then choose how to act when we're back together.
Maybe that's the problem in "normal" relationships; the "less" partner isn't comfortable with immediate change, and the "more" partner doesn't see results. It can all lead to a standstill.
Good luck to all the other partners having trouble with this.

Does he know that you would like more? Men can be remarkably blind to the obvious. Does he turn you down when you initiate things, or does he just not initiate things himself?

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

I agree that 25 isn't old enough for age to be an issue. (45 isn't either by the way). Men of all ages can have "performance" problems though. These are particularly troublesome because the more you worry about it the worse they get - could that be an issue?

Do you think he is bored, or wants something different in bed? Though as I imagine you from your posts, boredom seems very unlikely.

There are so many things that go through my mind that I think it could be. I have expressed my concern with him about this on several occasions and that (he is not as young as he used to be) is always the first answer I get. I've also gotten this answer "I have a lot of things that weigh on my mind and it has a lot to do me being in the mood.

I have argued with him on occasion, and maybe I shouldn't have, that I believe there is more to it than what he has chosen to tell me. It's just hard for me to believe that these are only reasons that in a matter of months he's gone from wanting to do it sometimes multiple times a day to a few times a week.

However, we continue to discuss this frequently so there is hope.

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

Does he know that you would like more? Men can be remarkably blind to the obvious. Does he turn you down when you initiate things, or does he just not initiate things himself?

When he was still here, he would turn me down often. Weekly ... daily ... whenever I tried to start something. The only time we would have sex is if he initiated it. He told me later that it made him anxious [performance anxiety] if I tried to initiate it, or if I tried to talk about it earlier in the day.
But I'm your average woman and I need extended emotional buildup. I'm not ready-to-go for penetration in five minutes like a man, unless my partner wants to hurt me. So we ran into a brick wall ... and never really recovered before he left. It's a **** shame.

Originally Posted by Little

When he was still here, he would turn me down often. Weekly ... daily ... whenever I tried to start something. The only time we would have sex is if he initiated it. He told me later that it made him anxious [performance anxiety] if I tried to initiate it, or if I tried to talk about it earlier in the day.
But I'm your average woman and I need extended emotional buildup. I'm not ready-to-go for penetration in five minutes like a man, unless my partner wants to hurt me. So we ran into a brick wall ... and never really recovered before he left. It's a **** shame.

Have you tried just flirting throughout the day? Not talking about it and saying, hey, let's have sex later today. But just flirt and get his (and your) interest up.