Thread: Used or Loved? Friend to Lover to Affair to a Mess.

My boyfriend is in his 2nd year of medical school and lives in LA. We've been "together" for 5 years; he was my best friend for the 2 before that. I am in my third year of law school in SF. Boyfriend and I have been dating long distance for 2 years. A year ago he cheated on me. I insisted he cut her out. He did.

Immediately after he told me, I broke up with him. "They" insisted it was what I had to do. Boyfriend and I still see each other frequently and act very much the couple when we do. Our families still think we are officially together and expect wedding bells. Basically, we have an open relationship.

Shortly thereafter I slept with a poker buddy. Our fling only lasted until it was painfully apparent he was not boyfriend. I like my poker buddy, he is a great guy, but he came and went without consequence. He was my revenge affair.

I have gone out on dates with a few other men. None of them stood a chance from the get go because of boyfriend. Everyone is kept at arms length and at the first sign of seriousness, I run.

But then there was law friend. I remember meeting him at orientation. We often discuss it. We were close when boyfriend cheated. He has seen me at my worst. For over a year we hung out, discussed everything, and became best friends. He bypassed my defenses. He called me every day, and I knew, depending on the day, what time that would be. We slept together. Law friend has a girlfriend.

For 3 months we had an affair. He asked me once if I would leave boyfriend. I hesitated. Not because I wouldn’t, but because I didn’t know. He took my hesitation as a negative and changed the conversation. One day we would talk about “our” future, the next day would be a conversation detailing why we should cut it off. He wasn’t sure about girlfriend, “you are everything she isn’t” he said. Then it would be, “I am going to marry her (girlfriend).” He told me he loved me once and he said he felt more guilty about that than any of our activities.

At first I felt very much in control. I love boyfriend. Life with boyfriend is planned. But slowly, gradually, I began to realize how happy I was when I was with law friend. Then, on trips to see boyfriend the time was spent sad I was away from law friend. My reaction was to pull away from law friend. I told him we couldn’t anymore. I told him clearly and unequivocally I could not handle it. He became a bit distant but we were still close. A month went by without any illicit conduct. He tried twice but I held fast. After finals were over, I was happy and relaxed (I knew I did well, studied for hours and hours with law friend). I went to his old band’s show as they were passing through town. Law friend came over the next morning for XYZ and 3 minutes after walking through the door he aggressively initiated.

We slept together again. Immediately after, he told me he felt guilty because of girlfriend. An understandable reaction, but it hurt me nevertheless. I made a face and pulled away from him. He asked me what was wrong. I asked him why he had come over. He said, “I came over with a very specific intent. The guys were all talking about how hot you are after the show last night.” I was angry. I threw him out.

He half apologized for blatantly disrespecting me. I told him it would never happen again. And so, we were friends. He tired a few additional times, much more subtly. I always said no. I never talked to him about my feelings or why I had pulled away. He asked me what was different and why it changed and I always just said, “I can’t do it anymore.” He started comparing himself to boyfriend an saying things like, "I know you're used to big men." Boyfriend is 6'4". Law friend is 5'8". Boyfriend and law friend could not be more different. They are opposite in every way.

Then he slowly morphed in to a total jerk. He started treating me like ****. He would cancel on plans to hang out last minute. One Friday night I was out with law friend and two of his friends, at 11:30 law friend told me they were going somewhere else. I asked him point blank if that meant I wasn’t invited. He said yes. I was angry. I left.

Over the course of the next week I sent him 3 e-mails explaining how hurt I was. My e-mails weren’t mean, but they were chalk full of emotion. I never said I wanted to be with him. I’ve never been sure I want that. He did not enjoy reading them. He never responded.

I left it alone over the summer. I saw lots of boyfriend and didn’t think of law friend when I was with boyfriend. I missed law friend, but I was still hurt and angry. We hung out once before class stated back up. We went to lunch. He pointed out to me that it was two years to the day since he met me at orientation.

We had a class together this fall. We started hanging out a bit again. A month ago when we were out for drinks he told me that he is going to ask girlfriend to marry him. He was staring at me intently so I said, “that’s great! I’m sure she’ll say yes.” He immediately recanted and swore me to secrecy because he “might decide not to” and “has purposely been very opposite in his actions with her.” Psychoanalysis please? Why tell me that? What's with the caveat?

Two weeks ago a group of us hung out including law friend, my current man of the moment, and a few others. At the end of the night man of the moment asked what was going on between law friend and I. Man of the moment said he caught law friend looking at me “a certain way” and that law friend “seemed very possessive of me."

This prompted me to call law friend a few days later and, for the first time, have an actual conversation about emotions. Well, I tried to. He shut me down. He said, “We were both just unsure of our relationships, we’re young, and it was just sex.” I asked him why he never responded to my e-mails, talked to me about any of this, or showed any care/concern/support during what was clearly a difficult time for me. His response, “I didn’t have anything to say.”

He has since tried to chat with me every day about trivial BS. I lost my cool a few days ago and sent him a moderately mean e-mail. I told him he hasn’t been a good friend and to leave me alone.

If you are still reading this novel of a post, I would like advice/opinions/thoughts about:
1)Am I overreacting in my decision to dissolve the friendship? Was he as blatantly disrespectful as I think he was by continuing to try and initiate sex after I told him I couldn't handle it?
2)Was this all just sex for him? Or is he trying to get back at me for ending the physical part of our relationship and becasue he is unsure how I feel about him?
3)Why wouldn’t he talk to me/respond to any of my emails? Is it because this has been hard for him also OR because he doesn’t care at all and, hence, truly has nothing to say?

And please, soap box responses are unnecessary. I know the secrecy and malignant lying were wrong. I made a mistake, I admit it. Now I need to know if there is a friendship here worth saving or if an opportunistic male was just using me, and I since I put an end to it, he has nothing left to say. For what it’s worth, I don’t sleep around and law friend knows this, 4 men in 25 years, only 2 in SF.

It's possible he's trying to protect himself from getting hurt more than he already has.