Searching

Hello all. This is my first time posting and I feel a little silly... but here it goes!

I am 22 years old, have never had a boyfriend and never been romantically kissed. I have had a few opportunities for romance, a couple guys have noticed me and asked me out, but I tend to kill any possibilities after one or two dates. I have a terrible fear of intimacy, which has caused me to reject any thoughts of ever finding anyone or being happy. This branches into my friendships as well. I can't get close to anyone! I know where this is sourced from... I've been trampled by friends whom I thought cared for me; people whom I trusted. Now I can't trust anyone, because it seems I'm never good enough for anyone to stick around for.

So I guess I just needed to know if others have gone through this, and what you did or are doing. This is 22 years of bad self esteem building onward and onward as I continue to be rejected by friends. Its a horrible catch-22 (no pun intended): I don't have the esteem to let people get close to me, therefore no one will get close to me. It causes me pain and I watch others fall in and out of love and have boyfriends and I'm on the sideline running away as soon as a guy seems the slightest bit interested.

So anyways... thanks for reading and I hope you will respond because I could really use it. I have learned from this to be extrememly independent and thought I could live without some sort off personal closeness with anyone, but the loneliness is becoming unbearable.

__________________

C

Honey, yes I will answer you but you must give me about four hours. I have debated answering this post, but there is a part of me that just cannot ignore it. Perhaps this is because I see a part of me in a part of you..... I have tried pushing it out of my mind, but it is just too big....I will be back after I have my husband tucked in...C

C

Sometimes I wonder how much I was afraid of intimacy. Maybe because I was too heavy when I was a younger or maybe because I always wanted to be one of the girl's that the boys played spin the bottle with and kissed or maybe because I was told by my family that I was probably going to be a girl that likes girls. I think families and growing up can be very defining on the you that develops inside. Oh, what damage they can do. They think because a girl liked baseball and sports and has a petite younger sister that she was masculine, so they told me and I suffered it out. High school I had dates for most of the dances but never was particularly popular with any one girl as a friend. They never could be trusted. I think girls are much worse than boys. I found as I got older and out of high school that this did not stop. Always competition.. Girls at work still played the clique game and maybe they still do but so goes life. Here is where you have got to learn that you are your own person. If they like you fine, if they don't so what. What is important is that you like you.

You have got to do something about your lack of confidence in meeting men. When you find one you like go for that first kiss. You don't have to wait for him, go for it girl. Get that monkey off your back. You are a very special person who has saved a lot for a very special man and there is nothing wrong with this. As for women stop trying to make friends with them. Be friendly but don't force it. As you age you do get more independent but you can also get lonely unless you sprout some new wings. Try meeting people. Either men or women as each sex always has a new friend. Go to church groups or anything in your area that has groups of people. That is where so many people meet. If one church does not suit you go to the next. You do not have to be their faith. You are just out to meet people and be happy. When you meet that guy, don't shy away. If you find feelings hold his hand. Go slowly. It is up to you to tell him what you want to about your lack of experience but learn to trust.

Smile. Be happy. I found the most interesting fact two years ago that I love to put into operation. When you walk into a store, say Victoria's Secret, as even at my age I shop there, they say you have five seconds to see the clerk or people's reaction to you and their acceptance. See if they smile at you and accept you. If they don't learn to put that smile on your face and be happy. It reflects the inner you. All women are great looking as it is their inner beauty that shows through. At this hilariously funny late age in life I get smiles like mad and a little over two years ago a guy hit on me at the grocery store. Talk about walking on clouds. My husband heard about that three times. But truly at this age I have more confidence than I have ever had. You can too. It is a mind game.

Sometimes being in a workplace or a place with many catty women can be the worst experience in the world. Now may I add it does not go away. Women will be women. Some can be nice but take it easy and be cool. At this age I am having a ball. I love it. I have this hunk that hangs on to me. Look a good 10 to 12 years younger than I am and with my hair having gotten thicker since Orlando and the new me, I shine. But I shine from the confidence in me that you must build in you.

Don't be afraid of that intimacy, it is wonderful. The softness of a kiss and gentle touches to awaken your body. Just don't fear love, embrace it. I wish I could say all the right words but I can tell you that like you, I still carry the open wound of rejection. Maybe it started with a parents and girlfriends carried this on but even yet after all these years married, my husband still has to reassure me that he loves me.

Get a piece of paper out and write all your failings. Work on each one of them. Tackle one at a time and if you cannot get past this, then get some help. It is more than possible that when you are physically awaken as a woman, and sex plays a game in this wonderful game of life, that you just may find as I have found, that this wonderful pleasure of sexual love that has no ending is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow of life. It is the closest intimacy and the nearest thing to heaven that you can ever imagine.

Now hopefully some younger person can come up with all the right words to help you, but I knew that the end of the day would not pass before I had broken my self imposed silence to answer the call of a sister woman. Honey, I wish you peace and love. Don't enclose yourself within yourself. Much love, Caroline

Searching

Thank you so much for responding. It's good to know that you went through the same thing, and now have a husband that loves you.
It's not that I can't make friends, that I can't socialize with people. I do all the time. My choosen career path is one where I must socialize. I simply have trouble maintaining and developing these personal relationships. To keep myself from withdrawing or learning to trust. I think it all must boil down to confidence.
Thanks again for your thoughtful post and for sharing your experiences with me.

__________________

C

Yes, you just hit the nail on the head. When a woman finds this confidence in herself she shines. She is happy with the person she is inside and it shows with everyone she meets. Don't step back but reach out. More confidence will come as you mature in life. People do not realize how young a woman is at 22. So much in life is learning and darn, we have no instructions on this.

I think that intimacy thing will just happen. Your body will tell. Boy, will it tell you. When you get the right guy who shakes you to your soul and wakes you up, honey you will know it...... Until that time have fun, relax, strut your stuff and be happy. If it continues to bother you then talk to someone, but I think you will be just fine....

Again my best.....xox Caroline

kaylar

I can identify with these two posts.

I grew up as 'one of the boys'. I could
play ball better, ride my bike faster,
do everything that boys did. Being
one of the boys one hears what
the boys have to say.

And what they say about girls is not
pretty.

As I was also a nerd...(imagine an
athletic geeky nerd if you can)...
I was not going to be one of the girls
that the boys talked about.

When I was asked on a date I could
fix myself up like a model, really
gorgeous, and we'd go to some fancy
place, and then on the way home
he'd start with the 'lines'.

Well I knew all the lines, so would
repeat them back to him, and add the
next line, which of course annoyed him
and then, enjoying my 'drama' do his
voice and then my voice, and then say,
"Well, we've got that out of the way,
now...(and I'd ask him his opinion on
some nerdy/geeky topic).

Well, you can kind of see the whole
idea of romance was shot to smitherines,
and I thought it was so funny.

I went out on hundreds of dates between
the age of 18 and 21, and we are talking
not about 'first base', we are talking
about three fast balls and a quick out.

I got married when I was twenty two.
I didn't miss anything.

You are not missing anything.
You are not wasting time.

Everyone I knew when I was 19 - 22
had trailer loads of baggage they
carried with them.

Affairs, broken hearts, betrayals,
songs that would make them cry
when they remembered, dramas when
they saw their 'beloved' with someone
else, on and on and on.

I had no baggage.

I tried to explain to my kids, but of
course they didn't listen, so my
daughter got to go through all
the dramas in the world until
she finally married at 26.

What did she 'learn' from all her
romances? Nothing. Not a thing.
In fact, it took her a few years
with the chap she would later
marry to get her head around
everything she had inflicted on
herself and dispense with her
baggage...

Searching

I do wonder if I'm missing out on things. It's just harder at Christmas when all my cousins are bringing spouses, boyfriends and babies home for the holidays and I am doing the same things as when I was 4. (I'm really not as desperate for a man as I may sound! lol I just want some sort of closer companionship...LOL maybe I am desperate!!)
I'm simply going to focus more on building my confidence and working on trusting people again. I know some fantastic people but I'm always so scared to go out with them. Group situations are a terror!

Again thank you for responding.

__________________

C

Go out with a group of people. Don't be afraid. Everyone is afraid. They all just pretend on the outside. Honey, I am so loose that I don't know my age anymore. It is what makes life fun. Don't try and act any particular age or any particular way. Be yourself. When my husband asked me out the first time when he was home on leave from the Navy he also asked two other girls out for the same night. He was some catch. But the next day he picked me. Probably because I have this I love life attitude. Maybe taking me home and parking with him for an hour did not hurt but let me tell you he never got to first base. Just some hot kissing. I dated a lot after high school. That is when I found my confidence, lost weight and truly became the woman I am. High school dragged me down. But he found the crazy and down to earth woman that he wanted and after all these years it is still hot. During all the dating that I did, I never found a man that turned me on like my husband did. It is funny looking back at this because he was the first man that truly made me feel like a sexual woman. Before that it was kind of where is this thrill in a kiss.

Like Kaylar said above it takes a while to mature in life. My husband does not have the woman he married. I grew and I think women are wise in waiting until later to marry. My daughter is living proof of this. She told me on this second marriage that she finally found what my husband and I had. Well I wonder where was she for the first. Had three children and then decided it was not there......These are mistakes in life. We all make them. You can be lonely with children if you make the wrong choices in life.

I am sure that going to Christmas dinners are hard because I lived with it. For me it was being brought in the living room to see my sister before the dance and see how pretty she looked with her newest beau. This went on and on. BUT my sister does not have what I now have out of life. Actually nobody does. I got him.....

Take your time and smile and be happy. Life is not passing you by......it's giving you time to smell all the roses......xox