please say it can work?

**Ali004** · 01-18-2008 08:29 AM

This is not normally my style and I'm embarassed to be in this situation, and that probably speaks volumes to me in itself!

I'm in a relationship with a married man. It sounds contrite but we tried to hide our feelings and attraction to and not act on it but it seemed inevitable to fall in love with each other. He is very unhappy in his marriage but for reasons that i won't go into he is not in a position to leave her right now. It is to do with her instability, the repercussions to him right now of going through with the divorce proceeding he has started.

There are so many obstacles in our path, the least of which is his marital status and the fact it will be long distance relationship for a wee while.

Am i crazy and naieve to think that love will conquer all and if I have faith and go with my gut feelings that all will be rosy? I believe that he is the one for me and debate regularly with myself as to whether I am being an idiot, ******, pathetic, weak or am just a hopeless romantic.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and had it work out?

**metalbudderfly** · 01-18-2008 09:19 AM

ali004,
well i debated on replying to this post. this is a touchy situation. my opinion is i don't think that you should continue with this relationship. why? well for one you will always be second in this relationship. oviously he is going through some difficult and emotional times with his wife. if he really wanted to be with you he would get his divorce done with and move out and be with you. i have been divorced for 12 years now and when i wasn't happy in my marriage anymore i got the h*** out of dodge. i gathered up my personal belongings and split. i wasn't finacially stable to really make it out on my own at that time due to having 2 small children but when the marriage went sour i left. it didn't matter to me i just wanted out of there and trust me you don't want another relationship for some time after. my opinion this man could be atracted to you because he is on some kind of rebound. he is unhappy with his marriage and oviously it has failed for some reason or another. not to mention if his wife ever found out about you two she could definatly make life uncomfortable at the least. you know you are the "other" woman right now and pose a great threat. i don't think your pathetic or weak for this. your only human. but in my opinion you should get out and find someone who can give you their full attention. also someone who lives in the same area as you do because in my experiences i have seen long distance relationships are very difficult to deal with.

**Ali004** · 01-18-2008 09:39 AM

Firstly, thanks very much for the time and effort you have put in replying.
It is a very touchy subject. I probably didn't make it clear but she does know, just recently found out and one of the reasons that he can't leave her right now is that she has threatened to cause him a world of hurt financially and potentially end his career if he were to stay with me.
I have been told ten times that I deserve someone who can give me more (he even says that himself) and to be honest there aren't a lack of interested guys - it's just that I'm not interested in them. Maybe I just need to be told eleven times and it will sink in....

**metalbudderfly** · 01-18-2008 09:59 AM

okay ali004,
just like i stated before she can make life uncomfortable at the least!!!! if she is threatening to ruin him finacially and end his career then she could probaly do it and your going to be caught up in that whole mess. not to mention she could be very vengeful toward you to. i wouldn't put it past her to make life a living h*** for you especially if he does finally get out of this whole mess. i am now married again to a wonderful man but his ex is one of these types of women. she has gone to great lenghts to make his and my life very very hard to deal with even though she is remarried and has more children with her new hubby. you would think she would concentrate on her own life but no probaly never. she will try to disrupt our life until she dies. trust me she has done alot of damage i could write a book on it. if it wasn't me married to him it would be any woman he was involved with. yes she has threatened alot and yes she has put a finacial strain on us to. she even lives in a different state but somehow she still makes a huge effort to destroy his life. this has been for 7 years now and trust me she doesn't have any plans on slowing down or stopping this at all. so i know it is hard to deal with. please for your wellbeing just get out of this. trust me if you love it let it go if it comes back to you then it's your forever!!!! if it doesn't come back then it wasn't ment to be. like i said if he wanted to be with you than he would no matter what. so for your own sake move on and find a more stable relationship. you do deserve that. you owe it to yourself.

C · 01-18-2008 10:12 AM

Originally Posted by Ali004

Firstly, thanks very much for the time and effort you have put in replying.
It is a very touchy subject. I probably didn't make it clear but she does know, just recently found out and one of the reasons that he can't leave her right now is that she has threatened to cause him a world of hurt financially and potentially end his career if he were to stay with me.
I have been told ten times that I deserve someone who can give me more (he even says that himself) and to be honest there aren't a lack of interested guys - it's just that I'm not interested in them. Maybe I just need to be told eleven times and it will sink in....

I will be NUMBER ELEVEN. It will never work. She will not let him go. You will be miserable unless you relieve your own misery.

Before I was married, I, too, got into this mess. My affair was not love, but just plain lust. Saying this, I was on the same page that you are on....My sailor was in the service and the tiger in me had been awaken by a very wise older man. Yet I can't fault him entirely. I knew how to say NO. This is another part of you that you are not acknowleging to yourself. The wonderful sexual charge that this man does for you. The hungry feelings of a woman that he is filling. Those are the hidden parts that you must bring forward and deal with. It is not only him, it is what he does to you as a woman.

If it isn't going to work, it isn't going to work. Step away. Why waste more time in your life. The hurt will not be less at a later time. But honey, he is not yours.

I wish you well. A woman's emotions go much deeper than anyone can ever imagine. Take care, Caroline

**oldnotdead** · 01-18-2008 10:24 AM

Are you married or single? If you are single stay away from him and see what happens. He obviously cares for his wife still or he would leave. Does he have children? This will make even more stress. If he leaves and she is unstable will she commit suicide? If there are children, they would then be with thier dad full time. I would think long and hard on this one. May really not be worth it. He could also be feeding you a bunch of lies so he has his family life and a little on the side too. Just a thought. If he is really into you he will leave her if you stop hanging aroung or he may hook up with the next young woman who could fall for his sob story. Be careful!

**Ali004** · 01-19-2008 11:42 AM

Hey thanks everyone again, you all make very valid points.
I am single, there are def no children involved, i wouldn't have touched him with a 9 foot barge pole if there were. yeah i know, hypocrital to an extent but that's how my mind works. We haven't even had sex together so its not just sexual. I refuse to until he is all mine if that ever happens and he respects that. But i will walk away, give him space let him see if he is smart enough to see what he is missing out on (!) and try to move on.

**alibaby** · 01-19-2008 01:37 PM

Originally Posted by Ali004

...i will walk away, give him space let him see if he is smart enough to see what he is missing out on (!) and try to move on.

If you concentrate on "what he is missing out on", then you aren't moving on. Hard as it sounds, you need to just forget about him. He's committed and you don't really know what his marital situation is (you don't live with him)...and you're single. Put yourself in the shoes of a wife finding out that her husband is contemplating having an affair...wouldn't that make you feel crazy to some degree? Go out and find other things to occupy your time...hang out with friends. But the point is: don't wait around for the day that he'll divorce his wife...that day may never happen and you'll have wasted your time waiting.

C · 01-19-2008 02:19 PM

Alli004: I could have been in this same situation you speak of. Only about 6 months ago did I find out a woman that wanted my husband. This was not that long ago and I still cringe thinking about it. Like alibaby said you do not know the situation that he lives in. I would have been like his wife and fought tooth and nail for my husband. I love him more than my own life and no other woman has a right to him when I am married to him.

Honey, if he is divorced it is a different story but he isn't. And that in itself would be another mess to deal with. Move on and find your own life....I know it isn't easy as life isn't easy, but what is right is right and what is wrong is wrong.....Take care, Caroline

**sweetie27** · 01-20-2008 03:44 AM

If he is cheating on his wife, (whether she knows or not) how are you going to trust him when times get rocky? I know I wouldn't have the easiest of times trusting someone that cheated on someone to be with me. Time to step outside the box. How would you feel if you were his wife?

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